Thrown him out, need to talk, feel a failure

[Nikkimay]

So, at the age of 17, after 2 years of hell, I have finally thrown my son out. He has had so many chances and although I think he has major issues, his behaviour has been so bad, a week ago, just before we were all due to go on hols, I threw him out. Me, hubby and other son went alone. Feel such a failure

You've given him a reason to think. I'm so sorry this has happened though. It must be awful.

Thanks Ohio, it really is.

Wondered if any others have been in this position. I'm sure we can fix things eve tually but maybe not for a long time 💔

Where did he go? Is he gone to family/friends?

Big hugs - but as the saying goes - you have to be cruel to be kind.
As long as he knows that if he changes his ways the door is always open.
But feel so desperately sorry for you that it has come to this.

Wasnt interested to begin with nit Pparnetly staying with friends, mums boyfriend. He has no job and expected.ti pay rent si not sure how that's going to pan out

He's going to have to be accountable.

What was his reaction to being shown the door? There comes a point when it is the only thing to do to save yourself!

My son, now 28, went to live with his grandmother when he was 16 as I could no longer deal with his violent temper trantrams. He smashed lamps, multiple pains of glass in our front door from kicking them and put his fist through 3 internal doors. We even called the police once who came and read him the riot act to no avail. He lived with her for a year, came home for 1 then rented a flat with friends (he was working) and we helped him. He returned to live with me and his twin brother when his dad left me and never put a foot wrong. He is now a wonderful man with a lovely girlfriend. I know how hard it is and how guilty you feel - I still feel it now but trust me it won’t always be like this.

OP I really feel for you! I lived with my brother who was thrown out at 17. He had developed a drink/drug problem although we didn’t know at the time, Stole consistently from the home had fist fights with my Father. He used to go missing and the police would often be on our doorstep. It was hell for the whole family and ultimately caused my parents marriage to breakdown as well as created so much tension within the family that it became dysfunctional.
My Mother still cannot understand what went wrong as we were all raised the same way, myself and other sibling have had very good careers and settled family lives But my Mother feels forever guilty. It didn’t end well for my brother. Lack of education prevented limited opportunities and he continued to drink resulting in an early death.
I was young at the time so would have been unable to help but looking back I think school had become overwhelming because possibly he had undiagnosed learning difficulties the older he became the further behind he fell.The teachers put it down to poor attitude and so he became what they and everyone expected and they gave up on him.
I totally understand the effect your DS is having on the rest of the family, it’s devastating, but please don’t give up on him yet. He’s still young and it’s really possible that with intervention he could change his path.

Thanks, I wont give up but cant face talking to him just yet. He wont accept interventions so I'm.not sure what else I can do for him. Sounds a similar situation as you described with some differences. Son jas been so horrible and said such hurtful things to me in particular and although I can forgive, forgetting may take a long time

The hurtful things said are part of his own internal anger. Try to put it aside for the moment and see further down the line. If he becomes a total dropout you will feel far worse. My Mother to this day berates herself and she will never get over it.
Would it work for you to set a time frame as a cooling off period then arrange to meet some somewhere neutral. If you don’t feel able to meet with him could your husband, or a family friend to try to establish what help he needs and for him to know you are ready to help him.
The longer he stays away I worry the greater chance he will end up with ‘friends’ that will make it seem acceptable to do nothing and from that point on it becomes very difficult to talk or help and in some instances even find him.
Sending you hugs, you haven’t failed you have reached your breaking point.

Sara your experience shows how things can positively change, its very reassuring for some of us parents struggling.

Inever, how do you know the OP will feel "worse"? Your mother's experience with her DS might be very different. If OP's DS "becomes a total drop out" as you say, that will be largely down to him, not sure why you think OP should blame herself. I can think of at least one example with family friend where the DS was bailed out endlessly into his late teens and beyond, and it didn't end well.

Its really hard to know what to say OP. You have to be the best judge of what you can tolerate in your own home, you don't go into detail, but I assume its been pretty bad. All one can add is perhaps meeting him for lunch, coffee, etc, trying to be supportive and keeping the lines of communication open might help him at some point.

Sorry, but it just hacks me off when posters come on here and say to a mother put up with whatever shit 17 year old is dishing out because thats what you have to do as a parent. And guilt-tripping her as the cherry on top!

@detour no one is guilt tripping OP. I was offering my own first hand experience. In fact I suggested exactly the same as you did regarding meeting etc! From your own story you say you know of another teen where it didn’t end well despite endlessly being bailed out, that parallels my own experience, and yet my Mother still blames herself. We aren’t party to the full situation so who knows what the right solution is, but one of the positives MN offers is insights into other people’s experience.

Apologies, I did want to come back Inever as I though my post was a bit reactive, and insensitive.

On further reflection, I think what is important here is the difference between justified guilt and unjustified guilt. I think there is a lot of guilt-tripping parents on MN generally - often unless you are a complete slave to your kids you are open to accusations of not being a good mother. This can make matters worse because being a doormat often combines with unjustified guilt and this also creates enabling in the process, and it can become a vicious circle. Other times, the situation is so complicated and confusing that parents really don't know what to do. I think they can only do their best, and cannot take responsibility for absolutely everything.

As you say, we don't really know what the OP went through, or what the nature of the problem really was, as there is very little information given. One can assume she has tried everything. I think there is a time when its not working for everyone, and the person drowning is going to take everyone down with them.

And I'm so sorry what happened to your brother. When I went back and read your previous post I can see why your mother is still distressed about it. I'm sure she did everything she could at the time, but I also imagine it must be very sad for her and very hard to understand or accept.

need to talk

And to OP, I notice this in your title. I find it helpful to talk about this sometimes - mostly to my mother who is sympathetic to me on this subject, but also has some understanding of where my son's at; occasionally to a friend. I hope things improve.

I’m glad you thought what I said was positive. It was a positive outcome, at the time it was the worst thing ever and naturally I felt like I’d failed him. I’m still sad when I read about other people going through this, but I know that I am a good mum because he is fantastic now.

@DetourTour have sent you a dm. Mumsnet has some really great people and I think you are one of them!