Is there a common theme - Mother and small children escape violent/abusive ex, eldest dd later becomes worlds worst rebel

[Nightynight]

Am I just imagining it, or have several mumsnetters posted similar experiences?

I am a little worried, as violent ex has definitely had a big effect on my children, biggest effect on dd1 of course. dd1 is just 10, and has already "run away" once, over upset to do with her father, and is accusing me of ruining her life.

Is there a common theme? Is there any way to stop mega rebellion developing?

I don't know about the 'eldest' thing, but my father was horrifically abusive (to both my mother and I, in different ways) and I didn't do the huge teenage rebellion thing.

Granted, I wasn't an angel and maybe if my Mum hadn't been as liberal as she was/is then my 'rebellion' may have seemed more severe. I don't know. It's hard to say.

All I can say is listen to her and try not to sweat the little things, choose your battles wisely, even if it means giving way on some things that you would normally kick against.

Hello, thank you for your thoughts.
my theory is vaguely along the lines that dd1 had this big, controlling, ultra-authority figure (papa) in her life, she didnt dare move without permission for fear of being slapped - she thought that mummy was a pussycat - now, suddenly, mummy is the authority figure, and dd resents having to follow my rules.

I am a benign neglect parent, but I do insist on a few things, such as eating dinner with the family, and taking turns with the washing up.

It has to affect them in some way surely?
Im no psychologist but does this not stand to reason?

NN I have mailed you with a suggestion for someone you could CAT about this X

thank you Marina! I have read a few stories on mn over the years. Am a bit taken aback at the suddenness and ferocity of dd's rebelliousness recently.

(ooo cant resist adding that I am on the train and have the most fab view of the Alps!)

IMO you may be able to alter the outcome, but because of the violent ex partner you are going to have a lash back. My family doesn't have that sort of stuff - just very strong characters. I'm glad I made a stand on the face book issue - she has removed our rare surname - and on reflection I think DD will have learnt some useful negotiation skills. When she started quoting "limits and boundaries" at me because I'd invaded her privacy; which by the way I didn't - left fully open on lap top. Some private counseling will probably help a lot, and that even though you allowed that violent ex to run your lives that you are not going to allow anyone to treat either of you with such disrespect again. The Alps sound surreal. tying for smile again (smile)

thank you odjobgirl!
I asked dd if she wanted to go to a child psych, but she said she thought it was a waste of money.
Think I will have to sign up to an OU course in pyschology myself.
I do worry that I am missing something obvious.

Could you all sit down and compile a 'family charter' of agreements (sounds less authoritarian than rules) where everyone has an input, and agrees to abide by e.g. turns at washing up. Having some say in how things are done might take away the need to rebel against them.

hmm, not sure. If I take away the washing up, goodness knows what she will rebel against... Also, I am on a crusade to reduce the total number of words spoken in our house.