Teenage relationships

[Pap02]

I am worried that my relationship with my DD is becoming very strained. She is a bright girl who left school last summer and was due to go to uni. She then decided to defer for a year and has had a series of dead end jobs so far. She then changed her mind about going away to uni and managed to transfer to our local uni so she could stay at home. At the end of August she met her first boyfriend. It has become serious very quickly with conversations about moving in together taking place after a few months. I can’t say I particularly like him, his values are different to my families but he does seem to make her happy. She has now decided not to go to uni at all and withdrew her application without telling me. All we seem to do is bicker and she is spending more and more time at her dads . I have told her that I think she is making a mistake about uni and that she is far to serious about the boyfriend. We used to be so close but she doesn’t seem to listen to any of my advice. I feel she could make so much more of her life and am worried that she will regret her decisions in the future. Any advice welcome.

What age is your dd
When they have their first love they don't need us mums. I miss my dd when she goes out and when she is in she drives me mad.
She can always go back to study later in life.

She is just 19, just 18 when she met the boyfriend who has just turned 23.

Seriously, if she is hung up on the boy, then maybe deferring for another year is for the best.
Certaiy better than starting and quitting, or starting and failing.
Maybe she just needs to get this out of her system...

No uni - get a job, pay rent

I think you probably need to be accepting of her right to make her own choices over uni and boyfriends if you want to keep a good relationship with her. She knows you think she should go to uni but she has chosen not to. You can offer advice but it's her life choices to make. If you show her you accept that the relationship may improve.

What pp have said. Basically, you need to accept that she is an adult in charge of her own life, and she needs to accept that she is an adult with some of the responsibilities of an adult. In other words, if she doesn't go to uni, she needs to have a job, contribute a percentage of her earnings towards household expenses and do her part of general chores. But gets to make her own decisions re boyfriends and career choices.

I would find this very difficult and know how you feel, having a 19 year old son who never takes advice. Unfortunately I find it almost impossible not to keep trying to tell him what I think and it's had a very negative effect on our relationship. I know I need to let him make his own mistakes but that's easier said than done.

I would therefore agree with the others, it's probably best to try to accept her decisions and wait and see how it works out. If she goes to uni now she may end up leaving anyway and it's always something she can do in a couple of years.

Over 18 and not in full time study - she should be paying rent and board. If she refuses she can couch surf until she runs out of friends (still welcome home for Sunday lunch). Might take a year or two but she will grow up a lot faster than if she has the option to live the life of a carefree responsibility-less child (and who wouldn't if they had that option?)

Oh thats tough Op. I'm sorry. My DD just split with her boyfriend - she is 19 but was home pre university doing a foundation degree. In many ways I liked her BF - he was a friendly and decent guy - but, and its a big but, he was suffocating for my DD - didn't really like her seeing friends. I knew a while ago she planned to end it.

So opposite position to you maybe. But I have always been careful to let my DD make her own decisions on her relationship. I have supported her now she's made up her mind but I never pushed my view on her.

So I think you really need to reel back. Let her make her own choices but be really, really clear on the cold hard reality of all her options.

1. you don't go to university - 2 options - you find a job or enter an apprenticeship programme. Depending on which she chooses you determine what contribution she makes to the household. If she is choosing to go to her Dads you need to have a conversation to ensure you have a united front
2. she defers - make sure she is earning and contributing to the household or has appropriate plans to work, save and travel/intern in a positive way. Again, you need to agree with her Dad a united front. Ambition, purpose, experience should be supported, just hanging out and sponging don't deserve subsidy. What are her plans? Keep it close to cold hard reality - who's paying her bills and upkeep?

My little bit of core advice - keep hold on reverse psychology. I'm sure you totally get this - but don't be the excuse for her to rebel on her best interests. Always sound balanced about her choice of boyfriend. Be fair. But realistic about her choices. Give her space to realise for herself the limitations of her life now and in the longer term without going to uni.

Good luck OP. Its shit being a parent sometimes and I am no way getting it right with my DS right now who is probably gonna fail his A levels. But dont let yourself be blamed for your antipathy towards the BF - let her see the starkness of the choices she's making for herself.