I need to vent - my DS is a shit

[RGPargy]

My DS (17) is one of the laziest people on the planet, i'm sure. When he was 12 he couldn't wait to be 13 so that he could get a paper round and earn his own money. When he turned 13 he couldn't be bothered to get a paper round and no longer wanted to do it. And so begins the pattern of behaviour that leaves me in tears today.

For the last year he's been at college doing a bricklaying course (or Trowel Trades as they call it now) but as he got EMA, he wouldn't get a part time job on the the days he didn't go to college. So now he has left college and i gave him a good couple of weeks grace for him to bum around, have his 17th birthday etc etc.

Now i have told him that he has had his bumming around time and it's time to crack down and get a job. Any job. Ideally he wants a labourer's job on a building site so that he can eventually start being a brickie, but for this he needs a CSCS card (i think it's a Health & Safety thing), which he hasn't got. My DP (not my DS's father btw) and I are willing to pay for him to do the CSCS exam so that he'll have more chance of getting a job that he wants.

Another hurdle he has come across is that most labourers need to drive to get to the sites and he doesn't drive yet but is taking lessons (paid for as a birthday present by DP and I). So we have said that he really needs to get ANY kind of job so that he can save up to continue his driving lessons (we only bought him 10), buy a car and then get the job that he wants. However he has made no proper effort to get work. He makes token gestures of going to agencies but always comes up with excuses, e.g. you have to be 18 to sign up with them or they're not recruiting for another week. He also wont go to the agency on his own as the walk there is boring. (He should try commuting every day for a gazillion years!) It's only a fruit packing agency, which is boring as f*ck, but it's MONEY and he needs to transition from boy to man (or at least half-man) FAST!

I had a long chat with him last night about his behaviour in general and how his sloppiness around the house and general lack of consideration for other people just will not do any more.

I suggested also that he get to the agency in the morning as by the afternoon, the temporary work will have been placed and he'll come back empty handed yet again.

I rang him at midday only to find that he'd not been down the agency yet. When i asked why he said "i dunno" (the usual answer). I told him he had to get up early and had he not listened to me last night etc? He said "Well i'm not gonna get up at like half nine am i?" I asked him why and he said "It's too early". Honestly, i wanted to wring his lazy little bloody neck!!! I pointed out that DP gets up at 5am and i get up at 6.45am to go to work so 9.30 is a friggin' lay in!!! I also told him he was being lazy, which he denied. I had to slam the phone down on him in the end because i was just sooooo mad and i cant really shout at him when i'm at work.

I also mentioned to him last night about him leaving cups etc everywhere and leaving his sodding tobacco everywhere and yet this morning i came downstairs and there was a cup on the floor and his tobacco everywhere. I knew then that he'd not listened to a word i'd said.

I really dont need the stress right now (I'm 23+2 pg) and the fact that he has reduced me to tears (not in front of him tho) has made no bearing on him.

I am sorry to say i am beginning to not like him very much at all.

My DP is in despair. He has been so patient and tries his hardest to encourage him to find work. But now he is at the end of his tether too, especially when he sees the state i get in over my DS.

To top it all off, my DS was at home yesterday and left the back door open as it was a nice day. Then he went upstairs and WENT TO SLEEP on his bed, leaving the back door wide open for God knows who to walk in. As it was, a cat came and had a vicious fight with one of my cats - fur and blood everywhere - and all because he was stupid enough to leave the door open. Now my cats are hiding under the bed and are scared and dont feel safe in their own home. We've only just moved and they were settling in so well so this has REALLY pissed me off too. I may have to take my poor kitty to the vet as he has an injured leg from the fight. All thanx to my DS.

I'm so angry i dont know whether to laugh, cry or just absolutely explode.

I told him that he has to come back with a job today or else. He doesn't look hard enough.

If he has no job, i will cut off his internet and if that doesn't work, i will then confiscate his phone.

I know it sounds drastic and childish, but i feel he is acting like a 14 year old, rather than a 17 year old.

I'm so unhappy with him.

Thanx custardo, wonderingtrelawney and makemineadouble.

Custy - i think your shelter idea is a very good one. I think if i were to say that to him, i'd be met with lots of huffing and puffing and "i'm not doing that!" type answers.

Makemineadouble - my mum would be exactly the same with my DS too. As tempting as it is, i agree that Spain is deffo not an option. It is only used as a treat and would certainly not be a punishment.

I think i do have lots of patience with him because i brought him up on my own for most of his life and always see the "mummy's little soldier" side to him. This of course makes me (a) a pushover sometimes and (b) yearn for him to be like he was before the Curse of the Teenager got to him. He IS such a lovely boy and we have really had some great times together. I'm just so paranoid about him hating me or only remembering the times when i shouted at him or locked him out etc etc. I always remember one time that my mum and i were arguing and in her frustration with me, she SPAT in my face. I have never forgiven her for that and i will never forget the incident or her contorted face when she did it. I dont want my son to have memories of ME like that (not that i'd ever do anything like spit in his face!!!). Do you see what i mean? I'm too worried about hurting him or upsetting him, which is silly because now it's me that is getting hurt and upset.

I am going to try my damndest to encourage him re his CV etc tomorrow. I will make him sit with me and we will create a good enough CV and covering letter to at least get his applications looked at, even if it is for Toys R Us or Asda til he gets his building industry job.

I really appreciate everyone's support and comments. It makes me realise that I am not being unreasonble by expecting him to pull his weight. I thought perhaps i was expected too much of him, but you have all proved to me that i am not, so thank you all very very much.

i know i sound like a hard bitch - am i am - with regards to work and giving me board money - but i swear my oldest lad has these gorg stealy blue eyes and he has dimples when he smiles and if i shout he says something to make me smile...the twins can't do that.... i know about soft spots they are always your baby really.

my son quit college becuase he couldnt get enough experience at work in "trowel trades" to finish the course.

the college found him somewhere else to work but he gets such a good pay he just couldnt see his long term future.... ah well.

I have agreed that he can work at butlins when he is 18 - i mean he has 60 years of working ahead of him so i want him to have this kind of experience - that usually stuents have before uni - or during holidays at uni - so fuck it.

but told him got to be in job at all times.

thing is - if he dicks me about - i kick his arse - if he is on my wavelength i will help him out no end.

Hmmm.... Butlins sounds like a GREAT idea! My mate did that many many moons ago and she had a whale of a time! Nothing "glamorous" like a red coat or anything, but i think she was waitressing or something like that. Parties most nights in the chalets. Sounds like his cup of tea. I might suggest it to him. If you have any contact info for Butlins recruitment that would be handy too.....

i haven't i'm sorry there must be something on the website - you have to be 18 though so use it as an incentive. we have a butlins not too far from us which means if he gets into trouble, arrested whatever its only a 20 min drive.

Ah yeah, he'll have to wait another year for Butlins then! Bugger.

just caught this. Go for the Mum in Spain option. GrandPs are wondreful smoothers... I feel for him, only as I am torn by yuo (mega stressed pg ) and him (male directionless lost). We know about p.n.d., but did u know (not to worry you) that the highest suicide rate is young boys/men 17 - 22. Girls/women talk about it, text about it msn about it. You want the best for him, it is just one summer... LOL battery going

I see what you're saying Browniedropout but it's really not going to make the situation go away. My mum will spoil him, give him what he wants, give me money, cigarettes etc and then he'll come back feeling smug because granny was nicer to him than mum!

It's deffo not the solution. We're going to create a cv this afternoon so we're going to go with the sensible approach.

Hey RGPargy, no experienced advice here but just wanted to offer my support and say you're doing the right thing. Just try not to get too stressed out with him, for the sake of your own health. It's ridiculous how lazy and selfish some teenagers can be, when the silly thing is he'll be so much happier when he does get a job. My nephew is 17, he's just got himself a job at sainsbury's and he's really loving having money to be able to take his girlfriend out, and the independence it is giving him.

I would give a sneaky call to these agencies he is supposedly visiting and just ask when they are recruiting etc Catch him out in his lies if he is lying, to let him know this isn't an issue you're prepared to drop.

Is he looking at shopwork apart from supermarkets? No idea whereabouts you are but everytime I go into town I always see loads of signs up in shops looking for staff. And mcdonalds/burgerking are always recruiting! It's standard practise now though to ask for a CV, so once you get that done he'll stand a better chance. But tell him he's actually got an advantage agewise, as employers would rather pay him than pay a 25 yr old, it's much cheaper for them.

Good luck with it anyway, hopefully he'll get something soon. Tell him he has one month to get off his arse and find something or you're going to hold his hand and drag him to local factories until he does!

thanx bananabump. i was telling my DP last night that i had to be nagged into finding work too by my dad at that age, so at least i know where he gets it from.

I know what you mean about once they find work they'll be happy etc because i remember it so well! One minute i was on a YTS scheme, the next i was working in London and have done so for years now!

I know it's very easy to assume he's lying about the agencies etc, but to be fair to him, he has NEVER lied to me about stuff like that. he'll lie about whether or not he's eaten the last bag of crisps or nicked the change from the jar, but he wont lie about stuff like that so i'm pretty sure i can trust him. I did actually phone up one agency to check the age limit and he wasn't lying about having to be 18.

I'm waiting to hear back from someone on another discussion board that i frequent. I haven't gone into detail or anything on there but have just asked if anyone knows of any labouring jobs and someone has kinda said a few words but i'm waiting to hear back. Hopefully they'll get in touch this weekend with some good news. We'll see tho.

In the meantime, i'm gonna try and get my printer working!

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm sorry if I repeat any suggestions.

I think he will have a problem because he isn't 18, my brother couldn't get work with an agency because of this.
My DP is a site manager and also can't employ anyone under 18 because of some H&S ruling.
My 17 yr old brother however did get an apprenticeship with a local building firm so it may be worth getting the phone book out and calling around some smaller firms.

Also, I hope I'm not going to offend you but do you think he is smoking cannabis? Smoking a lot of dope would make him behave like this.
Sorry if I'm completely off the mark there.

I really feel for you, it would drive me insane. But he's almost an adult so what can you do? He's under your roof though so he needs to accept your rules or ship out.

Is it normal for a 17 year old to work for a living? In the US they are still in high school. After that they have a choice of working or continuing with college. If they go to college it two to four more years, before they get a degree. Two for an associates and four for a bachelors. 17 seems so young to me to expect him to work for a living. I do think he should clean up after himself and do chores around the home. And if he is not going to school then I suppose it is fair to expect him to work. Just seems so young to me.

I totally sympathise with you.
My DD is 18 in October and at sixth form college,she also works one or two days a week for the National Trust,which is great.
However she spends all she earns,usually on cigarettes/drink and clothes,so never has any money.
She has 'lost' 5 front and back door keys god knows where,had a 'party' whilst we were on holiday to which 40 teenage boys turned up(to the delight of the neighbours),a large quantity of our wine went missing as well as my husband's bike(worth £700).She claimed none of this was her fault,and was really rude and arsey about it!
We reprted it to the police and they took her in for qustioning! Was the best thing we could have done,the sergeant really put her in her place and threatened to lock her up when she swore at him!
Sorry to go on,just wanted you to know you are not alone!

usandnosleep - I appreciate that 17 is a difficult age. So infuriating about H&S stuff!!

I know he has dabbled in smoking joints etc but with no money, he's not going to be able to fund a regular habit so if he is smoking it when he meets his mates he will only be having the odd "toke" IYSWIM. Bad enough, i know, but unless i handcuff him to me, i cant keep an eye on every single he does when he's not at home.

Leati - 17 isn't that young tbh. Over here we leave school at 16 and then some go on to college, some start looking for work etc. I was in a training programme for teenagers at his age and have been fully employed ever since - i'm now 39! i do wish in some ways that this country kept the kids in school a couple of years longer than they do over here. i dont think 17 is that mature an age to be entering the big wide world, but unfortunately it's the way it is. i agree he should be helping out with chores. I will press him to pull his weight more. he doesn't even make his bed in the morning - so lazy!!!

Silent Terror! Wow!!! What a little cow bag!! i am terrified of leaving DS alone because of the exact same party reasons you have described! If we do go away it's for no more than one night and then i always ring him to find out what he's up to, not that that can stop him from "shushing" his mates if his phone rings, but i think he wouldn't even DARE to have anyone in if we were away for the night! I totally sympathise with you on that one tho! ouch!

Out of interest, did it change her after she got taken in for questioning? Did she have more respect for you and your stuff/home?

RGPargy,

I agree with you that laying in bed all day is lazy. I was just surprised by the age difference between here and there. Here a child is considered and adult at 18. They can vote and smoke but they can't drink until 21. And if they want to work before their 18th birthday, they have to get a work permit. And to get a work permit they have to have school and parents approval. Then there is a limitation on the amount of time they are allowed to work. It is just so different, it surprised me.

She was very upset and subdued following questioning,she laid low for a few weeks!
Overall a slight improvement maybe,but was def worth it anyway,she knows she cannot mess us about now,and I prob would trust her alone,strange though that sounds!
Actually she is away on holiday with boyfriend ATM,another saga getting that arranged I can tell you.
The joy of teenagers!

Seems like a much better deal on your side of the pond, Leati!

stop washing and ironing his clothes and stop cooking for him. if you buy any nice food hide it until he pays his way.

if he's not a morning person what about a barman or waiter? generally they don't have to be in until 11:30 or 12am and most shifts are in the evenings anyway.

Good idea, nappyaddict, but he would not be very economical with my washing machine and would tumble dry EVERYTHING!! I prefer to at least do all the washing together and that way i know that it's all been done properly and in the most efficient way!

I cant not cook for him either. I do all our dinners together. if i didn't, he'd live on toast or beans on toast and milk and when i went to have a cup of tea, he'd have drank all the milk. i prefer to at least cook him one meal a day to ease my (far too soft) conscience.

Barman won't work - need to be 18 to work in a bar.

A waiter who was willing to do weekend shifts, however, would be snapped up very very quickly indeed!

50% of people in the UK leave school at 18 and then go to university for 3 years but this boy is not one of them. My son just turned 18, has just finished his first year at university and he sleeps most mornings which I don't mind. At that age they do need more sleep and function better in the afternoons but yours has no direction which is the sad thing.

Where do his interests lie other than laying bricks?

My daughter worked in a holiday resort abroad at that age in the holidays but some may need you to be 18. It's a good way for them to get some independence but have board and lodging and experiences abroad too.

My DS is a shit too, RGP. After 6 months of him hanging around the house, resolutely not getting a job for more than a dozen hours a week, as well as doing all the irritating stuff yours does (apart from smoking), when he came in pissed at 2.30 this morning and woke me up coming into my room to turn the PC and then had a drunken row with me in which he stupidly said he hasn't bothered to find any more work because he is enjoying doing almost nothing, it was the last straw and we have kicked him out until he finds a job - we should have done it months ago.

He assumed he would be able to stay at his grandma's but she has the builders in and doesn't want anyone else there. He will presumably be sleeping on friends' floors until their parents kick him out too.

He is 19 and I don't like him either.

I don't suppose this will make you feel any better but at least you know you're not the only one. It's horrible thinking you're responsible for your child being a waste of space

Xenia - i'm not too sure what his interests are as he hardly spends any time indoors. I know he likes cars, which was why i was really surprised when he decided to take a course in bricklaying. I thought he would do a mechanics course or summat!

So other than cars, i have absolutely no idea.

I know he would probably LOVE to be abroad as he absolutely loves being with my mum in Spain. Not sure about the "work" thing tho.

WendyWeber - so sorry you are going through crap as well. I do hope things improve for you and your DS sorts himself out.

No advice but sympathy. We have 2 of them back from uni. DD1 has finished and was planning to doss about then trot off to Bristol with no money to live with friends. She got it from me with both barrels when she moaned about the noise in the house (baby and assorted animals) and the mess... I pointed out to her that there are 6 adult sized people in the house and only 2 doing any work . She has had to go back to McDs cap in hand for the time being.

DS1 has been home since May. He also switched into "home" mode and did sweet FA for 2 weeks. When McDs rang to see if he wanted some work I told them yes he'd love to do 8 hours on Thursday... He's been full time ever since.

They are both out at work but doing nothing in the house and contributing no money.

RGPargy I think the pregnancy hormones don't help. My DD2 is only 4 months old and it's hard to switch from teen to baby.

At least your DCs are working, Evenhope. I think it's the fact that he does NOTHING that riles me most! I could handle his mess and tidying up after him etc if he'd been out at work all day too.

I do think the pg hormones are making me more picky. Although today he has been pleasant and a bit chatty (although i was the one to instigate it all this morning after yesterday's trailer trash shouty moment ). he then went on his driving lesson, came back for a bit and then went out again. When he came back he had something to eat (but asked before he did so) and then told me where he was going and what time he'd be in. Very pleasant indeed, i'm happy with manners!