12 year out daughter is lying

[noregretsinlife]

My daughter is 12 and it’s been one thing after another with her in the last 2 years just never doing as she’s told the constant cheek the language that comes from her mouth etc but I was finally starting to feel like she was growing out of it I’m 30 weeks pregnant and she’s over the moon about having a sister because it’s a brothers she’s got! So I was away for a few days with my boyfriend and his 2 little girls we offered my girl to come but she said no because it was a good few hours drive away so my mum watched her and I left my phone so we could FaceTime her (her iPad doesn’t work) every nite I came bk yesterday and just happened to see something she wrote in my notes about how hard her life has been her uncle dieing (my brother) and her gran who isn’t well and the problems she was haveing in school for a while in witch iv tried to help her through this showing her that it’s ok to feel upset and she can tell me anything no matter how big or small I’m always there but in the notes it also said me and her dad used to hit and she got put into a care then came bk and her dad left and that I’d kept her away from him for ages witch is not true at all because her and her brother have never been took into care and when her dad did leave us I never once stopped them from seeing him so I really don’t understand why she’s lying not long ago she also told her friend in a text that I’d dragged her into her room when I was giving her into trouble that also never happened iv never laid a hand on my kids and never would I’m upset and shocked but not sure how to talk to her about this or what to say to make her understand this lying is not on 😮 please please give me advice I seriously can’t take this stress anymore x

I think your expectations are a bit unrealistic. She is 12. How many 12 year olds are really OK for their mother to disappear on holiday with their boyfriend and his family? And would she really either want to go herself or feel happy for you to go away with them? But if you have just acted as if this all fine and there can't possibly be a problem then she can't express her true feelings which might be anger, fear, resentment, jealousy, and instead she has had to make up a fantasy about why she feels that way.

Also you are expecting a new baby. She may be looking on the bright side and being pleased in a way about having a new brother but really (if she is just a normal 12 year old girl!) she will also be having a lot of other feelings as well - resentment, jealousy of the new baby, fear of being replaced, fear of losing you to your boyfriend's family.

You've said it's OK for your DD to feel upset about death, family illness, school problems. But other things - family changes - that are genuinely upsetting for many young teens, you haven't mentioned those. And if her mother doesn't seem to understand her mixed feelings about the new family then she wont expect anyone else (like her friends) to understand her feelings either, and instead she has made up a story about care and geting hit and so on, so that her friends will sympathise with her feelings.

So what to do? The stories are not really a big problem, they are so obviously made up. The problem is that she is unhappy about what you are doing and she can't tell you how she feels. So have you said to her that it's OK to feel upset about you going away on holiday with your boyfriend? Or that it's OK for her to feel anxious or resentful about the new baby? Have you reassured her that you will still have time for her, still be there for her? Those things will help to make her feel it's not necessary to make up stories to get sympathy.

There is absolutely no reason for her to feel upset or jealous about me going away with him and his family because it's the first time iv ever been away without my kids ( there choice) i told her before I went that I'd rather she came with us to make it extra fun and she's involved in every thing with her new sister to picking her name and picking the pram and in my household it's only me and my 2 children I only see my bf maybe twice a week due to both of us working and yeah obviously it's ok for her to be upset she always comes to me when she is feeling upset and I'll give her advice with any problem she has she gets all the hugs and love that mums should give there kids but that doesn't mean it's ok for her to lie and make things up that could get people into serious trouble I don't have high expectation far from it! My kids are my life and never will I put another man and his family be-for my own kids there happiness comes be-for anything I came on here to ask for advice on how to approach my daughter about what she wrote not to be judged and told basically it's my fault for going away for 3 days because no it's not ok for a child to lie about there parents hurting them

I didn't mean it was your fault, just that 12 year old logic isn't the same as adult logic and their feelings aren't always logical to us. Of course you put her first and you know that, but she might not see it because these are big changes in her life and it's scary for her.

For now I don't see how her stories could really get anyone into serious trouble. Even if it got about and someone asked questions she obviously hasn't been in care. If you give a lot of attention to the how bad the stories are when you talk to her, then you are giving them too much power and a very good reason for her to keep on writing them and even make them worse. Focus on her feelings behind the stories instead - for some reason she feels hurt even though she wasn't really hurt.

None of us get things across perfectly to our children. Those stories are her way to get her bad feelings out there. So letting her express anger and jealousy and other "bad" emotions, without you getting cross about it (but without necessarily changing your holiday plans either!) means that she doesn't have to invent stories. Concentrate on reassurance rather than advice.

The advice I gave you about how to approach your DD was genuine. But this is the Internet, I'm a total stranger and of course you don't have to accept my point of view. Maybe someone else will come along with better ideas.

Thank you x