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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage girls on instagram - is this normal?

51 replies

Pebbles574 · 01/08/2019 14:12

I have two older teenage boys so have very little experience of teen girls (none in family, for example).

Yesterday my 16 year old was scrolling through his instagram from my laptop in the kitchen (phone was charging upstairs) and left it logged in. When I came to use it I noticed a post from the 15 year old daughter of some friends of ours who are currently on holiday. She was topless, but turned to one side so you couldn't see her nipples and was wearing a thong bikini exposing virtually all her bum and was sitting astride a chair in a fairly provocative way.
OK, I'll admit it, I was a bit shocked, so I was nosey and looked at this, and some other of her posts. It had over 400 likes and when I looked at her profile she has nearly 1000 followers. Some of the comments were clearly not from schoolfriends but were from companies and agencies etc. Some were a bit Hmm but lots were about 'nice peaches' etc and requests to DM etc.

I had a quick scroll and it seems as if nearly all the teenage girls are doing this while they're on holiday - scantily clad, posing like porn stars, pouting, wide legs, licking things Hmm and they all seemed to have many, many more followers than they must know people in real life.

Is this really how it is? I can't believe my friends know about this and would be happy about it. Just a few weeks ago they were telling us that she's quite young for her age and not really into boys yet Hmm

Is this really what teen girls are doing these days? Do you monitor or have any idea what your daughter posts? Would you want to know about this sort of stuff?

OP posts:
JustLooking2019 · 06/08/2019 14:31

I think this is quite normal but it’s very sad.
I have two teenage boys and looking through the Instagram accounts of their school friends shows exactly what you’re describing. DS2 is 13 and girls from his year group are dressing up, low cut tops, short skirts, pouting and posing. They look about 15/16! It’s very dangerous and I’m shocked their parents either allow this or don’t check their social media

FaithHowellsYellowCoat · 06/08/2019 14:58

That’s fair enough Sushi.

Aragog · 07/08/2019 09:17

Dd and the majority of her friends don't post such scantily clad photographs, nor are they provocative. Even at 17y dd only has people she knows in her social media accounts, and keeps her accounts private access, but I know some have open accounts.

I do know one who posts the odd picture I'd deem inappropriate and she does have an open account - wannabe Inst-star I guess. But even they're not as bad as what you've described in the op.

When dd was younger I always oversaw her social media use, though obviously I've stepped away now she's older. I'm still 'friends' with her in some social media even now thoughi don't actually enforce that.

I've not been afraid to let my friend know if I think they're dd has overstepped the mark. And she's dealt with it.

Unfortunately these girls are copying what they see celebs etc doing and, like many teenagers, re influenced by these. I do think it tends to be the slightly younger ones - I'd say 13-15y seems peak for some of it - and many do grow out of it. It's sad that it's how some girls think it's how to get 'likes' and it's scary how some parents don't have a clue what their teens are up to online.

Mind I do a lot about online safety and it's moving even younger, especially for girls. I\some of the cases coming up involve children aged just 9 or 10!

As parents we really need to be active in our children's social media use

Aragog · 07/08/2019 09:20

And I agree some of secret accounts they think their parents won't know about.
Hence it's also important to retain the right to access to their devices should you wish to, especially,got the slightly younger teens.
Technically we still do though dd is 17y and I've not felt the need. But as it's on a contract the phone and account technically belongs to us, not her.

EleanorReally · 07/08/2019 09:26

dd of 19 says it is anti slut shaming, intentionally being provocative. her friends do this. thankfully she doesn't.
just doing this because they can!

notacooldad · 07/08/2019 10:42

dd of 19 says it is anti slut shaming, intentionally being provocative
I'm not sure the 13 year old girls I work with are doing it to ' slut shame'from the conversation we've had with them although I can see why a woman of 19 would take that view.

EleanorReally · 07/08/2019 11:31

what is their reasons not a cool dad?

notacooldad · 07/08/2019 11:41

EleanorReally
In their words, they want to be as 'fit as fuck' ' sexy'' 'gorgeous' and other words to that affect.
We have done work around body confidence ( it apoears that some of the girls are rather confident about their bodies which in relation to this subject is a double edged sword, I think), we do a 6 week course on internet safety, work around CSE and grooming but the current culture for posing on insta, Snapcat and other social media platforms isnt waning at the moment.
Not all the girls do it of course, I dont want to imply by any means.

Original poster
Pebbles574 · 07/08/2019 17:27

I have to say, as the parent of two teenage boys, I do worry about how they have to navigate the mixed messages that these sort of pictures send out Confused
So girls get to be 'intentionally provocative' and want to be seen as 'fit as fuck' ' sexy' and 'gorgeous' appearing to present themselves to all as soft porn models, however boys must be careful not to objectify them in any way Sad.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 07/08/2019 20:47

So girls get to be 'intentionally provocative' and want to be seen as 'fit as fuck' ' sexy' and 'gorgeous' appearing to present themselves to all as soft porn models, however boys must be careful not to objectify them in any way
Not all girls act this way but many of the ones I work with do. Unfortunately some boys are definitely not careful to objectivity them. There has been more than one occasion that the police have been involved Im afraid to say when the girls have gone too far with photos. This has serious a serious impact on all involved including issues such as cyber bullying, self harm, social work involvement, lack of education ( for refusing to go back to school), social isolation and so on. I

Lindormilk · 09/08/2019 09:45

Ive seen them too. Lots of girls have thousands of followers and they are world wide. pervy comments like “you are hot” from a guy in Timbuktu and PM me for collaboration, full of shit.

Who knows where the photos end up.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 09/08/2019 09:57

I think it’s only normal if the parents fail the child tbh.

I mean come on what parent let’s a 15 year old go topless & wear a thong on a beach? Then lets them upload it to Instagram? Over my dead body would it be my dd when she’s older!

Yes some have secret accounts but a responsible parent should be checking a child’s phone for photos/internet history anyway.

IF an adult woman wants to upload a topless shot, fair play to her it’s her body and her choice but we are talking about a child here.

Arewedone · 09/08/2019 12:12

It would be quite interesting to know how the 15-18 year old boys view these types of post. As mentioned before my own 18yr old DS says these are ‘ wank bank ‘pics only and he and his friends wouldn’t consider dating any of these girls and would be unhappy if his GF was posting such. His opinion is that it’s the girls competing with each other???

Setting3 · 09/08/2019 12:26

As mentioned before my own 18yr old DS says these are ‘ wank bank ‘pics only and he and his friends wouldn’t consider dating any of these girls and would be unhappy if his GF was posting such. I'd be worried about your ds's attitude towards women tbh I don't like the sound of him and his friends.
One of dd's friends has a boyfriend who isn't happy about her doing lots of things that might show her body - I am worried about dd's friend because her boyfriend sounds like an over-controlling prick.

Arewedone · 09/08/2019 16:37

@Setting3 sorry if it offended you but I think it’s unrealistic to think this doesn’t happen.

Setting3 · 09/08/2019 16:48

Arewedone I've no doubt some nasty boys speak about women like that - doesn't mean they are right, I'd be horrified if I heard my son or his friends speak about women in that way...you seem to think it's ok - or maybe I've picked you up wrongly.

jjaydaw · 09/08/2019 17:26

setting3 can you stop with the personal attacks on Arewedone. You are just showing your naievity and double-standards. Whats your take on this by the way - do you think its girl power or anti-slut shaming? Instead of attacking other posters, why not express your views, or would that not be what you're here for?

My view is that it is sadly normalised - the likes of Kardashian, porn culture and so forth. If I had a DD13-16, I would definitely be keeping an eye on her phone - and more importantly I would be discussing the whole issue.

Just a few weeks ago they were telling us that she's quite young for her age and not really into boys yet

^Laughable, of course, but many parents are living in a dreamworld and are completely oblivious (or don't care) how women are treated and expected to abase themselves.

Setting3 · 09/08/2019 18:58

Whats your take on this by the way - do you think its girl power or anti-slut shaming? Are you asking why I think they do it? I think it's probably all sorts of reasons. A combination of insecurity, attention seeking, sexual awakening, maybe a bit of rebellion and risk taking, maybe a political protest against "slut shaming" maybe they think it's a way of getting a boyfriend, being proud of their developing body...but none of those reasons makes them bad kids.

Sfj1978 · 10/08/2019 17:17

I discovered my DD was posting stuff like this a couple of months ago and had to talk to her about it, and got the exact two responses I expected: her friends do the same thing, and there are lots of actual models who do the same thing. Sigh. Oh and because its private it doesnt matter (she says its just friends from school or friends of friends, which I do believe going by the follower count). We did eventually agree for her to tone it down a little, and for me to be able to look at it occasionally to check. She has toned it down thankfully (though it is still summer of course...) so far

As someone has said, it's a double edged sword. The comments she gets are mostly from girls, they all compliment each other on their clothes/figure/whatever. Which is good of course in the sense of body positivity, they all reinforce one another. But how do you separate that from the crude comments from the boys, which are admiring for different reasons? The comments she gets tend to be a little boob-centric as shes well-endowed but how do I say what the difference is between a comment from a girl complimenting "her figure" to a comment from a boy complimenting "the size of her tits"?

I did cautiously bring up what in this threads being called the "wank bank" thing with her and she said something along the lines of "thats just what boys are like", so I don't know. I'm scared of pushing the issue any further as I'd rather she had the account she has now and I get to see it instead of her setting up a new second one that I don't get to see. Her account being private is the only reason I've let it stay up, really.

FaithHowellsYellowCoat · 10/08/2019 17:51

Sfj I don’t envy you at all! So difficult.

FishCanFly · 13/08/2019 11:11

What those girls need, is an honest male opinion, that isn't their dad's or boys' from her class. If some 20somethings guy mentioned how trashy it looks - they'd pack it in for good.

skippy67 · 13/08/2019 13:55

No they wouldn't. They care more about what their female friends think, than some random 20 something old male.

Sfj1978 · 13/08/2019 20:55

It's all very strange to me. They (the girls) don't care about and ignore (as well they should) what boys/men think directly, but they do seem to still care about what they think after a fashion, in a competition setting online? I don't understand what the point of it all is

FishCanFly · 13/08/2019 21:06

Doesn't have to be random. Someone who they would admire and look up to. After all, female show offs boil down to impress the opposite sex.

Gwynfluff · 13/08/2019 21:10

My teenage DDs 13&16 don’t. Older one barely posts. Younger one does a few pouts but mainly posts in stories about loving her female friends. Because of them I see a few other teenage posts and all very similar.