Dad struggling with teenagers drifting away

[Drainage]

Hey
Just looking for some sympathy/empathy I guess or shared experience. Men are crap at this.

Separated for a few years now. Three children 19f, 17f and 14m. The eldest mainly lives with her mum. The other two half and half between us.

Really feeling like I've lost my daughters such a lot! I know this is normal to some extent but the separation and my eldest not really being here very often is hitting hard. I expected my children to drift (obviously this is life) but I wanted it to be more gradual and I wanted to maintain a good relationship.

I really tried hard with them growing up and used to spend loads of time with them and take them places/read to them/drawing etc (I get on with my son really easily in a father/son/games etc way and that's barely changed)

I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for here. Do I have unreasonable expectations as to what I expect my relationship with my daughters to look like.? It's not terrible by any means but I never expected such huge changes.

John

Parents main role as kids get older is
Taxi service and bank .
Fixer of things broken.
As they get older you work what you have in common and try and thst together.
As they get older sit you can become friends if you have a lot in common.
Then grandkids might come and you can help if you want.
Then you get old and or ill and they might care or help you.

Yeah I strongly suspect you are absolutely spot on.

I don't think there's a specific way it needs to look, it's really about what works for you.

I also don't think anything you've said is cause for concerns. As kids get older they get their own lives, start to make more plans with friends, pick up more hobbies, have more to do and it's natural that they will pull away. The main thing is that you make sure it's clear you are there for them at any time, and that you are thinking of them.

Do you have them on whatsapp? Even just sending them little messages, photos, articles a couple of times a week is a nice way to 'stay connected' without making it seem like you're trying too hard.

It must be difficult - genuinely, I do empathise, not being in the home they base themselves in, must be tough. But this is what kids do.

I suggest, without hounding them, you keep in touch. When you see them, try and find out what's going on in their lives (in a nice way, rather than interrogating them) so you can talk about their interests. Also, try and arrange regular times where you can meet up with them, and do nice things if you can - a bbq, the movies maybe??

The ages that your kids are, are notoriously busy, with their school/college/uni and their main interest will be socialising with their friends. They can also be really selfish and self centred at this period in their lives.

Stay in their life, don't give up, there's a saying that your kids go away from you, but eventually return. Make sure you are about when they do.

Good luck.

Thank you for the replies. It's the strangest thing that you don't know what you're really signing up for when you have children and the next minute they're teenagers and ignoring you.

I know, you think it's for life but it's not really, goes fast

It is difficult, it's as things should be, them growing away from you and forging their own lives, but it doesn't mean it isn't hard.

I find with mine (late teens), that any offer of food out seems well received, however, that can get expensive.

My DD is 21 so been there got the t-shirt

I agree with @BigSandyBalls2015 coffee / lunch out works, I am not well off by any means but I always set aside some money to take her out for a coffee / afternoon at the weekend if she was free.

Also see if you can find a common interest - DD and I both went swimming at the local pool most weeks which was lovely. In the hols we tried to do some knitting / sewing together.

I use to come and watch DD play club hockey some weekends too.

My DC have both grown away from their Dad. I have advised him to take them to do specific treaty things on their terms. DD19 loves Starbucks and a natter, dinner or cocktails out, going to the cinema or theatre.

DS17 is harder but he could try taking him to play babminton, tennis or squash, bowling, mini golf or to the drive in MacDonalds. But he doesn't - just expects them to go to his house for dinner then disappears to his computer. They both got fed up with the swapping houses thing but like a treat! Think about what works for them. And fit in with their timetable. Be ready for a last minute off chance do you fancy going out tonight? And never make them feel guilty - they will avoid anyone who makes them feel bad.

It's tough I know.