Anyone got a teen who does not socialise

[tcookie]

Hi feeling a bit sad tonight, just been to a friends party where their son celebrated his 18th birthday, he had some friends over and it got me looking at my own son who is 19 and it breaks my heart. My sons at uni now but does not seem to have any friends to hang out with. He seems happy enough at home and is making good grades but dosen't seem to have any social life and while he is not depressed he seems sad sometimes and I know he is feeling bored. All he seems to do is come home from uni and sit in his room on the computer. He has been off during the summer and although he does go to the uni gym he dosen't go out anywhere else. I know he does find social situations difficult but I was hoping uni would help with this, at school he had several friends but they all seem to have drifted away.Am I just being over concern, I just want him to have some friends and be happy.

Could you encourage him to find a part-time job? And maybe talk to him about it to find out what he's finding tricky?

Hi tcookie, I understand how you feel as I have one extremely similar, DD 20yr. Infact your post is so like one I could have written I had to rub my eyes!
First point I 'd like to make is that it is easy to compare your own DC with others and start worrying but we have to remember that they are all different peronalities and parties aren't everyone's 'thing'. My 2 (also have DD 17yr) are just not that interested! But I do know what you mean about the socialising thing, you just automatically think that it would be good for them, even just one person to hang around with.

What is he into on his computer, does he do gaming with anyone online? It sounds like he would benefit from another hobby but at his age now there's a limit to what you can do, except the odd subtle suggestion and encouragement. I'm sure he will be fine, he is still young and finding his way and it is great that he is happy at home and doing well at uni, take heart from this it is a big thing!

Hope that helps a little.

Also I have a friend whose DS 18 yr does not socialise, he is just into his studies. There are plenty of teens out there like this I'm sure, ours are not abnormal.

I know you will be concerned about him being sad at times, do you think this could be normal teen hormones? Could you or anyone have a gentle word with him about how things are in general?

DD 18 is exactly like this, she does seem to be messaging a few college friends on her phone but never ever soicalises outside of this. Since high school she has never gone out after school/weekends with friends. Shes now finished college for good and starts a job next month and has absolutely no friends. It worries me a lot but she is happy so I just have to take a step back and leave her to it. I know that when in social situations she will socialise if that makes sense so shes not awkward etc, she just doesn't seem to want friends.

My child is also very similar and is at uni now. The one thing that has helped him at uni is joining and attending SSAGO - student scouts and guides association. It stunned me because he is not at all outdoorsy but he has been on camps with them and loved them. They seem to be very accepting and accommodating and there is no need for people who join to have been a guide or scout. Perhaps your son would consider this if they have such a club at his uni - if not, there is also something called network which is not limited to students that he may wish to consider.

He really needs to be working over the summer, which has the triple benefit of earning, getting out of the house and being with people, and good for his CV. He could still get a job for the remaining weeks.
My son is always out, but my daughter (14) only occasionally go out to meet up with friends, but she does have a few and sees them all day at school.
I think the thing is his happiness - if you had said you though he was fine and didn’t care then no worries, but as you say you thinks he’s sad that’s another thing (but is he? Or are you projecting your thoughts on to him?). Have a talk - not too pressured maybe while you are both driving somewhere. See what’s his take on it. You can’t make him make friends but maybe lending an ear and sounding him out will help. And encourage him to find a job over Xmas holidays.

Thanks its good to know that there our other teens like him. He does seem happy in himself and he games online with friends. In fact one of his friends from his old primary school who is very like my son in that he also doesn't socialise. They have been out a few once or twice but like you've said there just not into partying. He did try and get a summer job. We have had a chat and he tells me he's happy and is going to look into joining a few clubs when he goes back to uni. I think I just panicked after looking at my friends kids.

Glad to hear that tcookie, he sounds like he is doing fine.

If it's any help aswell, DC's have an relative who did nothing but partying and socialising and ended up dropping out of uni bumming from one crap job to another. It's not is not necessarily a good way of life! Some people are happy enough on their own or with just a few others, some need to be in a big group etc.

I have one the same but minus the gym. He's too shy and anxious to get a job though I think it would be good for him. I tried to get him to join uni societies but no go. He's studying computing so I guess inevitably a lot of his class mates are similar. DH says it's like he is in solitary confinement, only leaves his room for meals and occasional fresh air. Basically only goes out if he's with us. He's living at home for uni as didn't want to go further away. No idea what the solution is but there seem to be quite a lot of them about

I have two friends who have DSs the same. They both have opportunities to get to know others more but either don't ask if they can join in or come up with ideas themselves and invite others. They are both lovely lads.