Early Signs of an Eating Disorder?

[TwoFineRats]

Hi, I'm brand new to Mumsnet and I've joined hoping for some advice.

My 18 y/o son has lost a bit of weight this summer and I'm worried he's starting to get too thin. He used to be overweight till he was in his mid teens, then he got so he was about the right weight for his height, but recently he's been eating noticeably less and has lost more weight. My husband's commented on it too. We don't think he is actually underweight yet but I'd say he's moving towards it. My son's about to go away to uni in the autumn and I know he's anxious about that, even though he wants to go, so it might be a reaction to stress.

The reason I'm worried is that I went through something similar myself as a teenager and now as a 50-something I still have a really screwed-up relationship with food. I'm slim but don't enjoy eating and constantly stress about my weight. I have no doubt I've passed this attitude on to my son, even though that was obviously never my intention, and I bitterly regret that now.

What I'd like your opinion on is, should I try talking to him about it or could I make things worse? When I was in my 'anorexic head', I loved it when people got concerned because it meant I was "winning" and it spurred me on to lose more weight. That's a shameful thing to admit but it's how I thought. So I don't want to trigger anything with him. On the other hand, if I leave it and he does start with an eating disorder, he'll be away at uni and I won't be able to keep an eye and I'll be kicking myself for not intervening earlier.

I wondered if you had any thoughts? Apart from the fact I've messed up.

That's interesting about the 'winning' interpretation (!)

Could you just talk to him about what he will admit to : that university is boing to be a challenge? Ask him what he's planning & thinking about it. As much as possible, Listen.

*going....

Please don’t think you have messed up because you haven’t and parenting is so hard. You are not alone.
I would speak to your son and be honest with him that you are worried about him not eating. Could you suggest a trip to the gp? Do you think he would go? (with you better, without you there that’s ok).
I was in a similar position with my dd: I was so worried about her eating, but after talking together (well a full blown argument which I’m not proud of), a trip to the doctors and a referral to CAMHS eating disorder unit we got to the bottom of it and found anxiety over exams and school was causing lack of appetite and panic attacks.
I think you are doing a great job. Im sure you will let your son know that you are there for him whatever. I would recommend the website moodjuice which was good for helping with and working through anxiety and Eva Musby and the charity BEAT has good resources for eating disorders
Hope this helps.

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful posts. I'll take a look at that site and I think I will try and talk to him about it and see what reaction I get. I might have a quiet word with his older brother, too.

Just to update: he refused to have lunch in a cafe today, he said he wanted something at home. So I asked him straight out was he worried about his weight. There was a long pause, and he didn't say no, but then he talked about not wanting to waste food in the fridge. When we got home I measured his height, something we do regularly, and he was just under 6 foot. I screwed up my courage and asked him to hop on the scales. He was 10 stone 4. I showed him on the NHS BMI calculator that this is still in the healthy weight bracket but only just, and if he lost any more weight he'd be underweight. He seemed surprised. I said I didn't want him getting in a pickle about his weight before he went away.

If he's just wanting to trim down a bit, then this will be enough to put the brakes on. If it's an incipient eating disorder, I'll probably have precipitated things. But I think I had to try.

I think you were right to broach the subject and you did it in a very good and sensitive way. I found communication is key and you are doing it well.
It can be harder with older teens as they have there own opinions and views and I know with my dc they don’t take too kindly me telling them what to do.

Thanks. It's really hard to get the tone right! I've told his dad and we're going to watch his eating a bit more closely, and if we're still worried ask if he can step on the scales again in a month. If he's lost more weight then we'll need to take it further.