Is this normal teen (14 YO) behaviour or could it be autism?

[NorthernSpirit]

I’m a DSM to 2 kids. I’ve had a suspicion for a while that something isn’t right with the older 14 year old DSD.

I want to ask other mums for their thoughts (I don’t have teenage kids of my own so have nothing to compare the behaviour to).

I suspect my 14 YO DSD has some autistic traits. I know autism is banded around a lot so would appreciate others view points.

I’ll list out some of the behaviour i’ve observed:

• Struggles to make eye contact
• One minute won’t stop talking, the next won’t communicate at all
• Can’t communicate on the phone- phone calls are painful, just one word answers on her part.
• Never ever asks anything about another person. Only responds with one word answers about herself.
• Can’t socialise in social situations. We went to a BBQ last summer - a few girls her age (then 13) were there. She spent all afternoon glued to her dad (mainly sat on his lap). Wouldn’t speak to adults or kids.
• At 14 can’t remember to brush her own teeth without being reminded numerous times
• Refuses to bathe / shower. Does it twice a week with much persuasion
• Seems to be in a world of her own most of the time.
• Isn’t independent at all - can’t or rather won’t take public transport on her own and has no interest in doing it learning. Has just about learnt to use the toaster (doesn’t think she should have to).
• Doesn’t participate in any group sports - starts then drops out
• Extremely fussy eater - basically lives off 3 oven meals dosed in tomato sauce. Will have a melt down if encouraged to tray anything else. I think this is textural.
• Won’t try any new experiences, has no interest in trying anything new.
• Prefers routine.
• Can’t get herself ready for school without being reminded to brush teeth, hair, what goes in bag etc.
• Can’t do any chores around the house and has no interest in learning. Even laying the dinner table is a massive event as each time she’ll need to be reminded that she needs to put on
• We offered money if she did a few chores. Wasn’t interested
• Has no empathy whatsoever for people’s feelings. An example - her very sick grandmother came back from the hairdresser. I said ‘oh your hair looks nice xx’. Her response ‘I can’t see any difference’. Her dad and I got engaged, her response ‘it won’t last’. I could go on.... seems to have no thought for how people might feel

I wouldn’t say she’s shy or introverted. Is doing ok at school.

What do you think? Normal teen behaviour?

I don't think it says Autism as much as average, weird teen who'se been spoiled.

I have a 15 year old DD and a LOT of what you describe is her at some point or other.

I think there's a lot of pointers there for autism to be honest. If it was just a few examples like the communication ones then you could say it's just her personality but having a meltdown over food and needing so much prompting to do anything for herself is not normal. As the PP said she could just be very spoilt and pandered to? Do you think that could be true? How does dad handle the things you've mentioned? What does he say?

Aside from the food issues, she sounds pretty much exactly like my ASD DD who is the same age.
Question is, what will you do with your insights? Have you spoken to her dad about this?

Sounds similar to my DD 17 who has just been diagnosed with autism. You can go privately for diagnosis although we went NHS... Haven't felt supported, in a wilderness of knowing how to cope. DH and I have a different opinion of how to handle her behaviour

Thanks for the feedback all - much appreciated.

Sadly dad and mum don’t co-parent at all (not for want of trying on my OH’s part) so we don’t know if all of the behaviour happens also at mums house.

What I do know is that she’s over indulged at mums house - apparently mummy says it’s too dangerous to use the toaster.... Mummy says she’s not old enough to take the train on her own.... Mummy says the oven is too dangerous to use.

She doesn’t do anything at home as far as I can work out. But.... I don’t know if this is actually the case or she’s playing one home off the other to get out of doing stuff.

I had a melt down last week after another pair of blood stained knickers where inside jeans and the lady in waiting (me) was expected to pull them out and wash them. Asked her numerous times not to leave dirty knickers inside trousers, it goes in one ear, out the other.

Personally I think she’s over indulged. At 14 I did a lot of my own washing, could cook a meal, did chores around the house and was getting to Independence. I’ve started to get frustrated that at 14 she can’t or won’t do anything.

The food situation I worry about. We went on holiday to Portugal last year (and weren’t in a burger & chips type of resort). Despite looking at the menu every night of circa 20 restaurants there wasn’t one thing she would eat so each night the restaurant made a plain omelet for her. Not one thing she would eat.

We’re just back from holiday again (France) and it was similar. There was a melt down because burger & chips (this is the only thing she will eat when in a restaurant) wasn’t on the menu.

I haven’t approached the autism topic with my OH as he gets defensive and says i’m picking on her. I only want to help. I think he’s realising something is wrong and I think he needs to get there himself.

She could be over indulged and have ASD, of course.

Being overindulged wouldn’t cause the first five points on your list, but the normal teenage stuff (not being bothered to do things without repeated prompting) could be that or ASD.
How is she at school? Does she have any issues there socially or in lessons e.g. working in groups?

Possibly, my daughter is like that and is autistic but she also has crippling anxiety that caused her to be in isolation at school for nearly 2 years (they handled it brilliantly and found her a disused office, even let her decorate it), and it's been since she was born, autism doesn't start in the teen years (unlike some mental illnesses)

I have a 14 and 15 year old and most points on your list point to one or the other of them. My third child has diagnosed ASD and and other than the eye contact and socialisation aspects I don’t recognise any of what you’ve put in him.

It could be worth speaking to the school and see if they’ve flagged up any concerns but a lot of what you’ve put are imo just lazy habits she’s been allowed to get away with.

Thinking about it op, she is your DSD and of your DH is getting defensive about it, I would back off. Sounds like a recipe for lots of arguments. You shouldn't have to deal with her stained washing though, raise that with DH, if he thinks you are picking on her, he can wash her clothes

So much of it sounds like any teen.
Does she take any interest of other teens' feelings, influencers or her friends?
Feelings of adults don't count. We are furniture.

Has she shown these behaviours from a young age? I was told that if they start at puberty its typical teen behaviour. My dd was diagnosed aged 16 but she had shown traits since age 2.