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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager's job when she has access to father

25 replies

westendgirlx · 26/07/2019 19:51

Hi, I'm sure that I can't be the only one with this issue.

My daughter's father and I are divorced. She goes to see her father (150 miles away) whenever he asks, which is weekends and some school holidays. Approximately once a month.

She's 14, and I'm aware that already some of her friends have part time jobs! Most of these are at weekends.

How does a teen who has access to their non residential parent manage a job plus the access?

I was taken to court previously by her father re access, so I don't think he would necessarily be reasonable.

He also does not drive. The judge's view in court was that she still had to see her dad about once a month with me doing the travel arrangements.

Hmmm?

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 26/07/2019 19:53

Could she still do a dozen trips to see him during the school holidays if her weekends were taken up with a job? Perhaps her father would be agreeable to that as they would still see each other for the same amount of time.

Did you move 150 miles away or did he?

Original poster
westendgirlx · 26/07/2019 19:56

He says that school holidays aren't always possible because of his job.

I moved away because his family were harassing me.

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Original poster
westendgirlx · 26/07/2019 19:57

He prefers a Friday to Sunday so he doesn't have to take time off

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DecomposingComposers · 26/07/2019 19:59

Ime, with my children, nephews,nieces, friends etc part time jobs aren't really available until they are at least 16 and often older simply because of the laws around children working, so many places won't employ them. Do you need to be thinking about it now? Maybe in a couple of years, when she's older and then able to make her own choice re access things will be different?

mcmen71 · 26/07/2019 20:05

She probably won't get work to she is 16 and she will want to socialise with her friends then so she will be old enough to make her own decisions and if he wants to see her let him get on public transport and work around her and not what suits him.

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 26/07/2019 20:14

Zero hour contracts would work. Although like the PP said jobs are not really available until age 16 (unless in a charity shop - and then that's unpaid). My children both have had zero hour contracts (not for the reasons you gave but for other flexibility reasons). They can turn hours down when they don't want to work - but conversely work may not be available at times - but it suits them.

AllFourOfThem · 26/07/2019 20:17

I agree that she is unlikely to get a job for at least a couple of years.

As you moved away, I would imagine that you will still have to facilitate travelling regardless of your daughter’s job. Perhaps the situation with his job will be different by the time your daughter is working and you can look at things again then.

AuntieStella · 26/07/2019 20:19

I think that, if she shows an interest upon having a job, you will need to steer her towards something like babysitting, which does not conflict with weekends with her DDad. There are bound to be friend doing that as well as weekend fixed hour employment, so she won't feel as if she's missing out.

It sounds as if she isn't particularly interested yet, as she is something you have noticed, rather than something is is asking about. So I'd be an ostrich unless it actually comes up from her

BloodyhellMartha · 26/07/2019 20:39

All these folks saying 'she probably won't get a job' - it depends ENTIRELY on where you live.

We live at the seaside - and all mine have worked from 14. The comment from OP that some of her DDs friends already have work suggests this is a possibility in their area.

My DS 14 has worked for several hours on 4 out of the last 6 days since breaking up for the holidays. (His choice).

Original poster
westendgirlx · 26/07/2019 21:54

Actually, she brought the subject up. I worked picking fruit at 15. My daughter is frustrated because there seems to be less work for her age group nowadays. Her friends do washing up and some agricultural related help.

I agree that jobs such as shop work, waiting on tables are unlikely until she is 16.

He won't travel to see her and he judge said that he didn't have to. I had to take her the 300 mile round trip each time. (Double trip for me.)

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Rtmhwales · 26/07/2019 22:19

When did you last see the judge? If it was several years ago, they may take into consideration her choices about wanting to see him or not at this age. I stopped seeing my dad in the summers around 12/13 because I wanted to be with friends and he wouldn't be flexible. The judge agreed that was fine then.

Original poster
westendgirlx · 27/07/2019 08:10

Two years ago and my daughter, my ex, myself, his parents, his brother, her teacher, her former teacher were all interviewed. Going through that again would be stressful. My daughter had counselling as a result. Her father wanted actual custody, but was denied when she said she wanted to live with me.

Anyway, I was hoping that someone in our situation would tell me what their kids did, other than not have a job. I'm mostly concerned about her getting one once she's 16 as it will get her on the ladder.

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Original poster
westendgirlx · 27/07/2019 08:13

The judge had her travelling the 300 miles every other weekend when she was 11 years old, before we complained about the negative effect on her. Honestly, I think the judge was biased. It was very difficult to get what my daughter wanted. If she had said no to access at 12 because she wanted to see her pals, that judge would have said that her father's rights are more important....you get the picture!

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Penguincity · 27/07/2019 08:19

She's 14, can she explain to her dad? My ds told his father at 8,that he only wanted one night at a time, so contact halfed. Ex listened to ds and he was very abusive to me prior to this, jailed twice etc.

GaraMedouar · 27/07/2019 08:28

She’s 14 so her views would be taken more into account. Does she actually want a job at the moment or are you thinking about the what-ifs if she gets a job? Also at 16 doesn’t the court ordered contact order stop? So you only have 2 years to wait. Will she speak to her dad herself and put her foot down. My boys started to say no to their dad at around age 15 and do what they wanted. We live 60 miles from ExH and I used to drive them EOW. Eldest is 18 so goes sometimes, his choice though. Youngest is 15 and still goes but if he has something on (like a party) then he will just tell his dad he can’t go. Also they boys get a train now (not direct, 2 sometimes 3 changes) but it’s fine, boys are happy and saves me the long drive!

Alienspaceship · 27/07/2019 08:30

This situation isn’t her fault. You and her father are responsible for her not being able to work. You need to give her an allowance. Otherwise this is just ‘another’ thing, along with hours of travelling etc that she has to suck up due to both your behaviours, choices etc.

poccadot · 27/07/2019 09:29

I was in a similar situation when I was 15. I started working in a pub/restaurant and agreed with them I would only work every other weekend so I could still travel to my dads some weekends. It worked well for me until I could drive and be more flexible

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/07/2019 09:37

Dish washing/babysitting jobs are more flexible until she's 16. At that point, remember - she's an adult. If she wants to stop contact then she can. If she doesn't, something like a waiters' agency for corporate events, or conference and banqueting waiting in a hotel is flexible - you work when there's a function on. Shop work I agree wouldn't be possible if you have one weekend in four off.

But I think this problem will solve itself in a year or two.

Original poster
westendgirlx · 27/07/2019 20:49

She already gets pocket money from me. I'm doing my bit

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Original poster
westendgirlx · 27/07/2019 20:54

Thanks for some constructive and supportive messages folks. Think my daughter needs building up to tackle this issue when it arises! She can get a train in the future but that's still her having to do all the running. He's quite a persuasive character and is used to having women run around after him. Still spoilt by his mum and now his new fiancé! I'm trying to protect my daughter from that obligation.

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namechangedforthis1980 · 27/07/2019 21:00

In a similar position myself at the moment, with a soon to be 16 year old DS keen to get a job. When the time comes, we're going to look and if his Dad refuses to be supportive then I'll be asking that he ups his maintenance to give DS pocket money!

Original poster
westendgirlx · 27/07/2019 21:34

Great idea, but it would be a miracle.if it works for me!

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DecomposingComposers · 28/07/2019 11:13

When she's old enough there are lots of zero hour jobs out there. My son worked in 2 restaurants when he was at school and uni doing waiting and bar work. Both places he would give them his availability and they would offer him shifts accordingly. This worked especially well when he was at uni - if he came home for a weekend or during the holidays he gave availability to the restaurant at home, when he was at uni he worked there.

ChilliMum · 28/07/2019 11:31

Do you have any sporting venues near you?

I waitressed at a football club as a teen (long time ago now) but with the home / away / televised / midweek games work was not every weekend but the pay and tips were pretty good and there was often options of other sporting events eg cricket / boxing / concerts etc.. to make extra cash.

Obviously depends on your proximity to a city but if not it might be worth looking at what events do run near you and who organises and staffs these.

Original poster
westendgirlx · 28/07/2019 12:30

Thanks to the last two comments. Very useful. We are near a small city with a football and cricket club.

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