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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

13 yr old DD not very independent and wary of everyone

3 replies

billsnewhat · 23/07/2019 23:43

My DD is 13 but isn't very independent. She hates being anywhere without an adult she is very scared of the big wide world, Probably my fault as I thought bringing the children up in a most realistic and grounded way as possible meant that they would be less scared of people and situations when they are older but it has backfired and both my children are scared of the world. Unfortunately her friendships are suffering as friends ask her out and she makes an excuse (the excuse is "my mum won't let me"!!) She worries that her friends may gang up on her if there is no adult. She is also scared that she may get snatched like Madeline McCann (she heard this on the news when she was about 8 and has been freaked out ever since) men might follow her and she may get attacked. She refuses to stay in the house on her own. At 13 she wants to be with me all the time but she hates missing out on stuff with friends. I was very independent at 13 probably too much so but it was a different world then. I have a 10 yr old autistic son and I wonder if she is maybe on the spectrum too but in all other ways she is completely like any other 13 old, she is really social as long as there are adults around she loves fashion and make up and is doing really well at school, she is just exceptionally reliant on an adult to feel safe. She won't walk to the shop on her own. How can I get her to be more trusting of people? Another problem I think is also that her friends are completely the other way and trust EVERYONE! Any advice on how I can make her become more independent and not so reliant on me.

OP posts:
ContactLight · 24/07/2019 09:35

She worries that her friends may gang up on her if there is no adult

This part of your post stood out for me - is there a chance that she is being bullied, or afraid of it? Do you know her friends well?

hairymclairie · 24/07/2019 09:45

Have you guys ever chatted about strategies to keep her 'safe' if things go wrong when you're separated? So for example, she could text you (you could have a code phrase to make it private between you) and you'd immediately come to get her, and make up an excuse to her friends if necessary?

Could you start small and build up? Could she invite one friend to come to play, based at yours, and you could ask the pair of them to head out to the shop to buy stuff for lunch or whatever? Or they could stay home together for a few minutes while you nip out?

What about really tempting activities or groups where there's a rule that parents have to leave / watch?

My only experience of this is with a younger child, so it might not be quite right for you, but we've had success building on teeny tiny achievements.

AnneOfAvonlea · 27/07/2019 08:46

Why dont you invite friends to yours first so she can get used to them in her safe space? Then gradually encourage walks to the shops without you or something.

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