Smoking/weed

[crappiestparent]

Bit of a backstory - DS16s best friend moved to a not so nice part of town a couple of years ago (burglaries, drug use amongst other things). DS has visited him regularly and had sleepovers there and at ours. DS' friend has always been nice enough, but we now don't know any of the other kids they're hanging around with. I saw a couple of the girls recently, and they were a bit rough looking (yes, I know how snobbish I sound). Since DS finished GCSEs last month he's been over there a lot more. We noticed that when we picked him up or he came home he'd be reeking of deodorant and always chewing gum, so our suspicions were aroused. Both DH and I a very anti smoking and have never wanted to try it (I always hated breathing in other people's smoke, the smell, the cough, the yellow fingers etc.). DS knows about all the dangers.

Anyway, he came back today and DH checked his bag. He found a lighter and said that the whole bag stank of weed.

He's got a full time summer job starting next week which means very early mornings and days labouring for a builder so he's not going to have much opportunity to see his friends much, but it also means he'll have money to spend and if he wants to buy cigarettes he's legally able to.

I know he's 16 and I can't control what he does like I used to when he was 6, but just looking for some advice on how to handle this. I'm for the gentle talking to approach while DH goes in all guns blazing. I also know it could be a hell of a lot worse, so apologies if anyone thinks this is trivial.

Don't you have to be 18 to buy cigarettes?

Untamed has the age gone up? It used to be 16.

It's 18 now. Changed about 10 years ago I think.

I think I'd also go for a more gentle approach given his age and given the fact that he'll be busy working you may find this pretty much resolves itself. Fingers crossed.

4under4our I used to work in a supermarket 30 years ago (eek!!) and it was 16 then.

I know I could buy cigarettes when I turned 16 but my younger brother couldn't. That's how I know it must have changed roughly 10 years ago!

I'd say you were taking the right approach, OP.

I've been talking to my son about this issue for the last couple of years (he's 16 now).

I'm not "vehemently anti drugs" or anything like that. However, I personally (and it is a personal view) believe weed at a young age is a negative thing. I suppose a tiny amount of experimentation is not the end of the world, but "weed" is very strong these days. If there is gradual 'addiction' you can end up with a very unmotivated, depressive young person. At worst, you can end up with psychosis and it can trigger schizophrenia. Read up on it and talk to your son about your concerns I would say is the best way. At 16 he is still young enough to have a developing brain that is (permanently) affected by drugs. And the younger the habit starts, as with many habits, the more difficult it is to give up. Of course it may be rebutted (my son's friends tell him its not that bad of course!) but he needs to be alerted to the dangers, as, with all drugs; they do exist. Especially as the stuff they use nowadays is so concentrated and strong, its really not childsplay bit of 'grass'. I personally think your DH's approach of going in "all guns blazing" may be counter-productive and have the opposite effect intended. There is a 'third way" between all-out-liberalism and all guns blazing is my own view.

p.s. when I say (over the last 2 years) "talking" I don't mean all the time, just when it comes up, as it does; most of his year at school have tried weed and some MDMA too!!!!!!!!! I'd say its pretty common now, so to ignore is to give all the power to those who only see the positive side is my reasoning!

Ask anyone most people who have taken drugs if its made them happier in life, or even at the time. I think you'd get very few genuine affirmatives.

It's definitely 18 now, my best friend is 28 but looks 12 and gets ID'd for cigarettes regularly.

If his bag stank of weed it's possible he had a small amount in there, it stinks to high heaven long after the stuff is gone! So it doesn't necessarily mean he's actually been the one smoking it if that makes sense?

I'd keep an eye but not make a big issue at the moment, the more you push against it (unless teenagers have changed since I was one) the more he'll hide it and you'll never know what he's doing.

I tell DSDs (teens) that I'd rather know what they were doing so that they know they can call me if they need to. I tell them I'd be disappointed if they drank or smoked, but that I also wouldn't flip it completely if they were honest.

It worked. One night DSD1s friend took some dodgy pills and I was the only parent called, because of that I was able to get her to hospital, and contact her parents to explain what had happened. Thank god she survived with intervention.

So it may seem that I'm being soft, but I need them (and my own kids when they're older) to know that if the shit hits the fan it's always best to be honest and ask for help. I did tell them straight though, pills are an absolute hell fucking no, as are any drugs and that I'd be devastated if they used them.

historytide2 we also talk about it. Doesn't help combat peer pressure though (if that's what it is). I'm concerned about the mental health aspect of smoking weed. While he was in years 6 and 7 he was under CAMHS. He has learning difficulties and at that time his teachers were pushing him, saying he wasn't trying hard enough, that he must be able to do this, that and the other (blaming me for not doing enough), and it absolutely devastated his self esteem, so depression is something that I'm concerned about with him.

IntheheatofLisbon you've given me a different angle to approach this. All I was thinking of was the negative impact on his physical and mental health, but I think I'll just say that I can't stop him doing it but that he can tell me if he's concerned about anything or if anything happens. I don't want to come down hard on him because it will likely make him want to do it more, but it's so hard.

Ironically, I work in pulmonary health so see every day the effects of smoking.

By 16 both my kids had smoked weed but neither really smoked cigarettes. Which are you worried about? To be completely honest its very normal at that age to try these things - neither of mine were great fans of weed, as I wasn't as a kid. I'd not go overboard about it for risk of making it more exciting but I'd be honest about the downsides. I knew a few guys who ended up with severe mental health problems/schizophrenia but I was never a crazy alarmist in what I said to my DC. My kids worked out that it wasn't so exciting for themselves.

I'm interested that you say neither of you have ever smoked but you can detect the smell of weed!

We've never chosen to smoke but we're not completely naïve.

I think the issues nowadays are the strength of weed. We had huge issues with a teenage family member last year who got hooked on the stuff, ended up really paranoid, calling for ambulances in the night as he thought he was dying, couldn't eat, throwing up 24/7, and the only thing that helped in his mind was more weed. It was a viscous circle of destruction, but eventually managed to snap him out of it, and a year later he's a different person and knows now how badly it was affecting him. He wouldn't touch it again. But it's hard to make them see sense when "everyone is doing it and it's just a bit of fun". Me and dh have both never smoked or tried drugs, and I'm hoping our DC won't either, but I am not naive and I know it is a possibility. I feel for you, as it's a difficult situation, you don't want to seem like the overly harsh parent, but you also want to protect your child. Do you think alerting the school could be a good/bad move? At least if the teachers are aware, it may alert you to any changes in his behaviour academically. Such a tough situation.

I’d be more concerned about the weed than the fags tbh. With fags at least you know what’s in them. It’s much stronger these days and you smell it everywhere, it’s become so normalised. I think there are long term implications of smoking it at a young age when their brains are still developing. And it also opens the gate to other drugs. There are so many different drugs around now that have all sorts of crap in them. It’s terrifying. I’d go for the middle of the road approach when having the conversation.