Am I over-reacting? DD and friend in what the butler saw type photos on facebook, fully clothed?

[oddjobgirl]

Last night picked up laptop to find face book open showing DD's facebook listed with album of posed photos (her and friend both 16), not nude but provocative. Our last name is unusual, it gives her full name, town (small). It might as well have a map to our house. I've demanded she removes her details and the provocative photos.They balanced camera and took the photos themselves. She's shown me ones of friends much worse, semi-nude. According to her and older (adult) brother I'm overreacting. I work in child care related industry have just applied for new CRB? Am I about to get visit from police? Nightmare or just life with teenagers?

No idea about the CRB stuff, but if she's fully clothed in the pics, I doubt you'd get into any trouble. Unfortunately it does seem like many teenagers do this kind of thing, I suppose they see others doing it and want to get in on it. Certainly myspace, facebook and bebo are filled with provocative pics of teens, but that doesn't make it acceptable!

I think the main issue here (since she was clothed) is that of safety, and you sound like you have addressed that with her.

I've recently had to do this with my 15 yr old niece who I found online using her real full name, and like your dd she had included photos of herself (not provocative though) the village she lived in, the school she went to, full names of her friends and other details about her real life. I just think they don't realise the danger they put themselves in, or don't take it seriously.

I think if your dd took on board the warnings and you're satisfied she has removed enough of the material online to be safe, then hopefully that should be the end of it. I don't think you're overreacting by the way, I think you're concerned and rightly so.

Thanks Bananabump, glad you are awake. Feel a bit better now, have to go out but will check later. Still worried.

I have no idea about teenagers (yet!!) but i don't think you are over reacting, I think being cautious and sensible regarding your daughter is exactly right

it is important to talk to her regarding the online dangers and make sure she fully understands what situations she 'could' get herself into and also you, regarding your job - although i don't think what she did will affect it

Maybe you could have a chat to your older son too and ask him to back you up that way she may take more notice

Good Luck

my children are younger so I havent been through the full teenager experience yet, so my opinion may change in the future....however I would have reacted just as you did.
dd's father would hit the roof if he saw what you describe on facebook.

I was shocked when we first started having Au Pairs, and I realised the extent to which soft porn is mainstream amongst teenagers and twenty somethings (posting page 3 style photos on the internet etc). HOWEVER, not all of my APs are into it. Some of them come from very well educated families, and either don't do it, or are very discreet about it.

My son is 15 years old and he receives semi dressed girl photo's from girl's that he knows e.g. from school. They weren't naked but provocative and come accross as very confident but look sleezy. When I find them on the computer I delete them as the whole family shares the computer youngest child 3 also. It seems normal to the teenagers to do this and I don't think they realise how they are being perceived. Also you don't know where these photo's could end up!! It must be a nightmare.

Thanks all - at least I know I'm not alone in my reaction. It was good I had to be out of house all day yesterday, DD in major drama. Declared she was moving out because of mad mother (me - I think). She's staying with friend in pictures. I don't know if pictures or our family name off facebook. I am so relieved older brother not part of taking photos but I need info now. I am being told 80% of internet traffic is porn so I shouldn't worry but I need to be able to speak of evidence that stupid young adults 18+ get put on sex offenders list when then take photos or make videos of under 18s, or isn't this true. I certainly have seen this in the papers. I am staying calm but am furious inside that I am being made out to be a prude. Where will I find this evidence?

oddjobgirl,

You are not over reacting, I think she is lucky that you are allowing her to keep the facebook. I have a cousin who had provocative pics and her mom made her delete the account.

You are doing a great job and DD just doesn't understand the dangers of the world.

I have found BEBO and U tube - and tried putting her name in - nothing that way. Does that mean she's not on it? Fortunately older DS has left his password email logged in today so I see she has removed all her pictures and all her friends. Just one picture of her, has changed her address to county but still has her full name (only 5 in all britain with this last name) on the page.

Am still distressed that teenage DS and DD don't get how serious this could be. The papers say prospective employers and very sick minded people find ways on to the sites pretending to be teenagers.

Have decided not to tell friend in photo parents at the moment - but hold as threat.

Completely separate: Would dearly love to tell parents of semi nude (tits out) friend - shall we call her L, because some of L's friends in the photo looked really uncomfortable semi-nude - clearly pressurized to join in- but know L has long history of putting nasty staff about people on msn including teachers and parents took her side - so pointless to tell her parents. Thanks to MN - you feel like a life line.

Message withdrawn

It depends on the security setting she pics, a lot of kids just set this uo for anyone to have access, although more sensible ones will set up safety protocols.

oddjobgirl, it's more likely that she has accounts on myspace than youtube, youtube is just videos. Just try googling her full name and see what comes up. But be aware that once you have confronted her about it as you have, you probably need to let her have her privacy again (or at least only check on her periodically) or she won't trust you.

I'm sure she'll calm down and come back, but she obviously doesn't think it's as serious as you do. I would just try to let things die down, and if she mentions it again just try to talk calmly about it, and maintain that her safety is your concern. Agree that getting her brother to see your side of it might be a good idea, if he's backing her up.

DD came home. DH was fantastic mediator, and she has agreed to change her account name excluding our rare surname. Bruised mother here. She discounts most of your comments cos "they don't have teenagers". DS and DD say I have over stepped THEIR boundaries by googling her, insisting she takes pictures off. I suggest she show pictures to everyone if pictures so tame - suddenly they are unavailable. She has looked at this MN thread - and still says "she's lost respect for me" as I have for her. expect to find oddjobgirl under depressed.

lol, wounded pride, that's all. She got caught doing something she shouldn't have been doing under 18 and she's embarassed, so she's taking it out on you rather than taking responsibility for her actions.

It doesn't take a genius to find people online, those of us who know how to really use the net can find archived information, things people wrote years ago that they wouldn't even remember writing.

If she can't accept that your concern was her safety then she's a silly girl who is acting younger than her age, and she doesn't sound like she's learned her lesson. Perhaps disconnecting the net for a while would get your point across? You need custy's advice!

You have my sympathies, being punished for being a caring parent must make you feel like shit.