14 yo Skipping meals ‘to show myself I’m strong’

[Meanderer]

Just overheard my daughter saying this to her close friend. She says it’s not about losing weight it’s about ‘showing she’s strong, so she can help others who need it.’ It’s all a bit odd. She’s been skipping breakfast for a couple of weeks and we’ve talked about this and she’s said she just wasn’t hungry. I’d be ok with that but it seems that’s not the case, it’s a control thing seemingly. Also I now know she’s twice (secretly) skipped her lunch one day a week too (the day she’s meant to eat from the canteen) I’ve heard the same phraseology about proving to yourself you are strong from my and her Muslim friends, about Ramadan... so I wonder whether she’s sort of coopted that idea?! I’m slightly concerned and wonder whether there’s underlying stuff in wanting to be strong or whether to just leave her to it for a while at least and see what happens over the holidays. Can any Muslim mumsnetters suggest anything useful on this, have you experienced similar issues ever? Thank you for any insight.

...to be clear it’s less the not eating, as she usually eats some of her packed lunch at morning break which is probably ok if she’s actually not hungry til then. But if she’s denying herself when she’s hungry then that’s not good.

I’m not Muslim but eating disorders are ALL about control, and finding strength in being able to take control over a particular aspect of life - particularly when other aspects of life are starting to feel out of control. This happens a lot for teenage girls during puberty and secondary school as high hormonal/academic pressures are mounting. Be extremely vigilant, read up on beat.co.uk and try to eat meals as a family - including breakfast if possible. Over the summer holidays hopefully you will have more opportunity to supervise meals, but if this is still an issue then let school know when she returns so that they can keep an eye out during lunch break. It sounds extreme after a flippant comment, but many many young girls become extremely ill from eating disorders. They are devastating - bodily, mentally and to the family and friends of the victim.

@stroopwafelgirl thank you - I’ll check out the website. It took me by surprise as I never realised it could be only about control without it also being about body image /dysmorphia, iyswim. Apart from occasional comments about wishing she weren’t so tall/hoping her feet have stopped growing (she is tall and her feet are larger than most so this is understandable but it doesn’t seem a huge issue) she seems so body confident- she carries herself really confidently. She has always been quite strong willed and very resistant to relying on or trusting others or showing ‘weakness’ - she’s determined to be very self sufficient. It saddens me tbh. I’m torn between seeing it as a need for more freedom and thus to back off micromanaging her life so much, versus redoubling my efforts to help her relax her need to control a bit and feel safe to let go and go with the flow. As I write this I wonder whether they’re somehow different aspects of the same thing..

This would really worry as this sort of talk about proving to yourself how strong you are by not eating sounds very much like the thought pattern of eating disorders.

I'd keep a quiet eye on it and perhaps talk to the school to see if she is actually eating her packed lunch and not just throwing it away

@BillywigSting thanks- I think she’d have told her friend if she was skipping any other meals - but yea will keep an eye on it especially in the holidays.

Please keep an eye. As a teen I used to skip lunch at school, I used to pretend I'd eaten breakfast by leaving a bowl with a tiny bit of milk and few flakes of cereal in it and I'd only pick at dinner.... I wasn't fat at all but it was all about control. I used to weigh myself all the time to maintain my weight and really restrict what I did eat. My mum had no idea at all and I never told her.

It eventually resolved itself when I got a serious boyfriend and we'd go for meals out - initially I'd just pick at food then too as I HATED people watching me eat... I guess I kind of relaxed around him and started to eat normally but healthily. Then we split up after 2 years and I went back to not eating, that time my mum knew I wasn't eating properly as I lost a load of weight not that I was big anyway so I was really thin and then she started watching me eat which was awful too! I gradually got back to normal again but whenever I go through a stressful or depressing time it creeps back in - it is all about control. Some people comfort eat, some don't eat.

Thank you @icecreamsundae32 I really appreciate you sharing. She started leaving carbs (potato especially) a while ago - funnily enough I think that possibly coincided with her starting to go out with her boyfriend - who has digestive issues and a limited diet related to that. I’ll stay aware. It’s good to hear you’re self aware about what triggers you. I have my own control/feeling safe issues, beginning to let go as I get older and do lots of therapy, and what a relief!