Teen girls, menstral cycle and obsession with weight..please talk me through when to worry.

[TheWindowDonkey]

I have a 14 yr old dd. Only had one period so far but it sems to have coincided with huge self doubt, self conciousness and self loathing. She’s due her second period but hasnt come on yet. She admitted today to hating her body. Says it makes her feel sick to look at herself and she tried to make hersself sick last night but couldnt and then wanted to kill herself. She thinks she’s fat, concinced she’s bigger thqn her friends and doesnt understand why anone would want to date her. She is absolutely gorgeous...has her years best looking boy madly in love with her and has no reason at ALL to feel fat. She is differently proportioned to her friends but has such a great figure. What the heck do I do? Shes been slowly upping the food control and we’ve been keeping an eye on things hoping it is hormones and will pass. I am worried though that she is developing or already has an eating disorder. I’m on the cusp of getting her to a therapist...but she insists that she would like us to try and work through it as a family first...

Btw when we taked oater about the issue, sne said that she honestly doesnt want to kill herslef. If I thought she was serious about that I would have taken her STRAIGHT to a psychologist..

I think my periods, or the lead up to them made me feel the same way. I was taller than most of my friends and my hips had started growing aged 10/11 but certainly wasn't the bustiest or most mature of them. But I hated myself, thinking I was fat when actually I was so much slimmer than I thought and now wish I'd realised sooner as I definitely have problems with how I view my body.

I think, if she wants to do food control, try making sure she understands a good balanced healthy diet and gets enough exercise. Otherwise things could potentially spiral. I wouldn't restrict calories though... At 14 she's still growing, and I had massive growth spurts at that age.

Thank you so much dead door. Yes Its the longer term positive body relationship I want to try and salvage. I hated my body at her age too and have most of my life, until I had her and bizzarely and Then I tried to always be positive abiut my weight as I wanted her to love her body.! I have said that it is fine for her to manage her weight as long as it is done healthily. We have been to the supoermarket and chosen loads of fruit nuts, seeds and veg for her to eat on and loads of healthy snacks. We’ve looked on the eating disorder support website together and done an assesment which says she could be vulnerable to an eating disorder, which I think shocked her a bit. We’ve spoken mones and I’ve ordered a mood diary for her so we can record how she’s feeling at spcertain times to try and identfy when shefeels her best and worst and find out triggers for it. We’ve agreed that we’ll give it a month, and if she is still feelinglike this she’ll consider therapy. I’m hoping these things will all help. I’m so bloody devastated that she feels like this...we’ve been so careful to try and encourage her to see her value in who she is not in her body. Ugh.

Exercise wise, she has a hobby that keels her active every day...and ccyles and runs once or twice a week, she honestly has a body I’d love to have!!

Sounds like you guys talking and planning has helped. Key things I would say

• be that firm compassiônate parent insisting she eats breakfast lunch, dinner and snacks
• keep her involved with seeing friends and participatingin interests
• be firm that no food is unhealthyall cultures involve special celebration and treat foods and they are enjoyable and important
• keep talking and address any possible family issues
• tell her she doesn’t need to worry about dating for a good few yearsie take he pressureoff

-limit social media or watch it like a hawk for pro ana or other unhelpful messages Excuse the typos my ipad is playing up

She is absolutely gorgeous...has her years best looking boy madly in love with her and has no reason at ALL to feel fat

Don’t measure her looks by her attractiveness to males, even if he is the best looking boy in her year

Take her looks and size off the table. Boost self esteem by finding things she is good at, sport, music, guides, duke of edinburgh. Eating healthily, being fit.

She is absolutely gorgeous...has her years best looking boy madly in love with her and has no reason at ALL to feel fat
The same thing stood out to me, this should not be in her or your radar and should be discouraged. She is smart/ funny/ good at (insert relevant good at)/ kind/ beautiful/ loving etc. Her body is her body, it is what it is. You get out what you put in. You put in junk= junk. You put in very little= get very little. You put in good, healthy, food in the quantities it needs with a bit of variety that makes you happy (the odd 'unhealthy' treat = happy body, mind, person. What the best looking or worst looking girl or boy in her year thinks is meaningless. She is she, and as long as she looks after herself she is perfect.
Easier said as a 32 year old, but the truest thing I'll ever hammer into my kids.

Blue, dont worry I dont say the thing about the boy to her...that was my own observation to myself. I never even mention him to her. We have been really careful to encourage her to base her self esteem on who she is as a person, and not looks. I never mention my own weight, we never commment on other peoples looksor weight, we have been really strict abiout media/social media etc. She does loads of very sporty activities, riding, climbing, swimming, cycling, d of e. We’ve really striven to give them as nature based and healthy an upbringing as we can. Which is what makes it all the more gutting that even with all that this has bitten her...
Eva thank you, some really helpful points there, she herself has NO interest in dating, which is fab as far as we’re concerned.

And actually, in my defence, when I said gorgeous I meant inside and out. She’s genuinely awesome.

Start with carefully examining your own attitude towards diet and looks

The "best looking boy" in her year wants her? This statement is so telling how much you value looks, and status that comes with looks.

How are you regarding your own body? Do you criticise other people s looks and bodies?

Kids are not fooled. You can SAY all the right things about looks and weight, but your DD will have picked up from you how you really feel about these things.

Saying all that, her behaviour sounds pretty standard teenage. Don't buy into the drama, but try and be calm and no-nonsense

Hi solitude, I can understand how you might have got that from my sentence above, but honestly you couldnt be more wrong. Looks are so far down my list of importance. As I mentioned above we really dont focus on anyones looks in any manner, shape or form. Except in that one sentence, which was more my own incredulity that she feels oike that abiut herslef when we see SO much in her that I would hav loved to have at that age. When I said she was absolutely gorgeous I meant that she is kind, funny, intelligent, empathetic and outgoing, as well as beautiful (which I believe every parent feels about their child anyway). She had said earlier in the day that she couldnt understand why people like her or boys like her and I suppose my comment here was because I can utterly see why she is so liked and well regarded by her peers....as its obvious that people are focusing on that I can see that I explanied it badly.

My own body image is very positive. Since the moment we found out we were having a girl I was determined to be happy about my own body in front of her because I wanted to give her a chance at self acceptance. I never, ever diet, talk about diets or worry about my weight. My body has carried two kids and has taken me through life and I often talk to her about how grateful I am to have a body which has got me this far. we eat healthily and also enjoy unhealthy food in moderation, and we are an active family. There is really nothing I can see that would have triggered this at home.

It probably came across like I was blaming you, apologies for that.

She'll be ok, lots of teens wobble like this....

Even boys feel the pressure (to look all buff, be tall etc)

Tough life being a teenager (or a parent of teens )