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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My boy does not fit in

15 replies

Bababyboo · 08/07/2019 22:01

My lad, 14, bless him does not fit in and it is really starting to bother him. His friends are into football, girls, music and clothes but he is into doctor who, superheroes and transformers (still likes power rangers too)

He spoke to me today and said that kids at school laugh at him because he says the wrong thing or doesnt know the latest footballer or best tracksuit on the market.

I have always taught him to be an individual and not follow the crowd for the sake of it but he is spending more and more time in his room on his xbox caught up in a life of fantasy rather than reality.

His friends like him and call for him but he says he doesn't want to go out because he cant be bothered. He talks online with his friends as well

I just wish that he could find a group of 'real world' friends that are into the same things as he is. He calls himself "a geek" and I quite proud of that (so am I to be honest) but his friends are the popular boys and they seem to be growing apart. I dont want him to have to wait to go to university to find like minded geeky buddies! What can I do to find him some like minded friends (not random online ones) and get him out of his room? By the way I know you might suggest structured leisure activities and groups but he hates them and refuses to attend...though he might do a doctor who group, transformers group etc.

Any support welcome

OP posts:

drhilarybinns · 08/07/2019 22:35

Have you thought about trying a summer camp for him? All my DDs went on Superweeks and loved them. They are all very bright, into similar "nerdy" things, and met lots of like minded children on camps. They're encouraged to just be children, no phones allowed and no pressure to be popular or cool unlike school. www.superweeks.co.uk, would really recommend, every year my girls came back with more confidence, chatting about their friends and the strange adventures they got up to (they do some quest/challenge/save the day stuff that sounds up your boys street! but is hard to explain!!). Couldn't recommend highly enough

Firefliess · 09/07/2019 07:08

Is there a Games Workshop near you? The one near me is definitely a magnetic for geeky teenagers. They do Warhammer stuff mainly I think. Any societies at school into something he could meet geeky friends through? (Science club, animee (sp?) etc?)

Also worth checking who he is talking to online. A lot of geeky teenage boys tend to message and game online together even if they do in fact know each other at school. So if he has fallen in with the geeky crowd at school that may be what they do the next 2/3 years.

I'd also encourage him to try to find common ground with the friends he does have too though. They clearly like him so a shame of he's excluding himself before he's found anyone else to hang out with. Could he try learning a bit about football or whatever they're into so he can hold his own in a conversation?

Sagradafamiliar · 09/07/2019 07:40

Oh bless him. When I was school, he'd have been a 'cool kid'. He'll soon find his tribe.

continuallychargingmyphone · 09/07/2019 07:43

Flip it around - your boy loves football and sports and doesn’t want to talk to his old geeky friends

I’m sure he’s great but being sociable and friendly is a life skill. Encourage him to keep his old mates.

Pinkyyy · 09/07/2019 07:52

When his friends come round, why are you allowing him to sit in his room like a recluse instead of going out and having fun? It seems like he already has friends who want to spend time with him. You need to push him to get away from his Xbox and go out with his friends, gaming addictions are hard to break.

cdtaylornats · 09/07/2019 08:13

Take him to a comics Con, SciFi Con or Games Con. He will find his people there

fancons.co.uk/events/

DontCallMeDarling · 10/07/2019 15:39

I hear you OP. My dd2 loves superheroes and anime, and gets very down that none of her friends are into the same thing. She does her best to 'fit in' with her group but I think the lack of someone to discuss the geeky stuff does make her feel lonely in the crowd. I think its a tricky one as they are too old to organise play dates for, otherwise I would say lets get them together!

EatsFartsAndLeaves · 10/07/2019 20:17

Does he play Dungeons and Dragons?

IWouldPreferNotTo · 10/07/2019 20:25

That was me as a teenager (and adult) and its hard. Faking an interest in football or clothes is really hard work with a lot to keep up with. I'm not going to pretend school got better, it was pretty awful.

What did change was when I went to uni and met people who liked the same things.

The only advice I have as a Sci fi loving, computer gaming, home electronics nerd is to find something popular that you don't hate and cultivate some knowledge about it. Going your own way is admirable but so is learning to fit into a larger group

pointythings · 10/07/2019 20:33

It's hard, and speaking from experience, it's at this age that they tend to drift away and then form the friendship groups they end up with longer term. My two DDs both fell out with their friendship group in Yr 9 and had some tough times - but they found their tribe within the school (and yes, they were the nerds and the geeks).

I'd definitely encourage him to join some fandoms and go to ComicCon, that's where his people are - and there will be real people his age there that he can bond with and form friendships with.

Synecdoche · 10/07/2019 20:36

My Scout group was full of boys that sound exactly like your son. Might he give that a go?

lljkk · 10/07/2019 20:37

My 19yo is getting interested in Warhammer again... there's a tribe out there for your son, he just needs to find them.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 11/07/2019 18:03

He sounds pretty standard to me

The "popular" football/fashion/girls set is only 1 group

My DS (15) had lots of his friends over the other day, lots quite geeky, they often hang around playing boardgames in a board game store, sing odd Chinese karaoke and minecraft songs, and are just a subset of teen boys

He just needs to find his tribe

BogglesGoggles · 11/07/2019 18:05

He needs to be able to form and maintain relationships with people who have different interests. It’s a basic life skills and good that he’s getting practice now.

ProfYaffle · 11/07/2019 18:10

My dc are similar - they separated from their 'popular' friends at an earlier age though.

Any clubs at school? D&D, gaming, coding etc? Dh enjoys D&D and set up a little group for the kids to bring some of their friends to. Agree with pp, comic cons, gaming fairs etc are good. Also sometimes accepting that internet friends and staying at home aren't such bad things and it's OK to let them do that if it's what makes them happy.

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