My 14 year old is unsure if he wants to live with me or his father.

[Chezza83]

Hi all, looking for some advice if possible. I split with my long term partner just over a year ago. I have 3 children aged 14 11 & 10. My son (the eldest is unsure if he wants to live with his dad or stay with me - the younger 2 have stated categorically that they are happy staying here).

I have 2 issues, the first is that my ex partner was very controlling and manipulating when he lived with us - he hasnt worked in years (still doesn't have a job), the children were not allowed to make noise otherwise he would physically punish them. The house was in a very bad state (no central heating, partially demolished walls etc) but he refused to allow me to bring someone in to sort the problems.

Since he has left, he showers my son with gifts and affection, yet my daughters are left in the cold. He even takes their phones from them the minute he collects them so they cannot make any contact with me or my family as this 'encroaches on his time with them'.

He is now in a new relationship with a woman who already has 3 children of her own & they have since had a baby together. They live in a 3 bedroom house so when my children visit, they are sleeping on the floor and sofa. I think this is acceptable for visits but unacceptable as a permanent arrangement (especially as my eldest is currently taking his mock exams). Also, the move would include my son changing schools & GP's etc as my ex now lives a long distance away.

I'm sure I have read somewhere that if my son was to live with his father, he would need to have his own room (because of his age) although I now can't find the article.

Does anyone have any ideas as to if I'm on the right track or not? Or any similar experiences to which they could offer advice.

Thanks in advance for any help/advice you may be able to give.

I'm not aware of any rule about children having to have their own room. In you ex's case that would mean they'd have all the other 4 children in one room which is obviously not going to happen. Your DS must be aware of the crowded situation already .

Could you suggest to your son that when he has his next holidays, he could stay with his father for the entire time and see how he liked it ? At least that way he could get a taste of it without the drama of changing schools.

I would suggest saying that you son should stay with you to complete his GCSEs, and then review the situation for college.

However the suggestion of staying longer in the holidays is also good, unless you think it will encourage him to up and move mid GCSEs.

He doesn't sound like a fit parent to me, so I wouldn't be shy of telling my 14yo he was staying with me. Physically punishing them? Sod that.

Sounds most impractical for him to move in with his dad, and not a good idea at all. No space, too many other people to consider, poor parenting skills, etc. I can't see from your post a sickle single reason why it could be a good idea.

Instead, could he maybe see a bit of his dad one to one? Might be good for him - and for the younger ones to have time with you. Always sharing with two siblings and step siblings can't be giving him much quality time with his dad. If he went one weekend and your girls the next, it would all be a bit less crowded too.

I'm not sure why a 14yo is getting a choice where to live. He'll only end up feeling guilty about letting one parent think he prefers the other. Tell him he will continue to live with you .

He definitely wouldn't NEED his own room unless all other children were girls.
There is no law to say any child gets their own room (coming from someone who lived in a 7 person household - 3 bedroom council house).

Does your exP even want your son there? Tell him it's ok if he wants to live with his dad (at 14 you have to respect his decision) but that his dad needs to sort living arrangements and a school before he goes.

He is 14, he needs some guidance. I work as a mediator/child consultant with families post separation and "let the kids decide" is not generally a good policy. A 14yo's brain is not developed enough to understand all the consequences of their decisions (hence the prevalence of risk taking behaviours). Your Ex is presumably on a campaign to be the preferred parent, it's likely that there will have been talk of sons needing their dads, your son is undoubtedly trying to keep everyone happy. If he goes to live with his dad he may well end up feeling resentful that his siblings stayed with mum and he didn't.

It sounds like you have been the protective parent in the past so I think you should continue. I would sit him down and have an open chat, tell him that of course he needs to see dad but while he is finishing school you think would be best for him to stay where he is. Reassure him that you want him there (his dad might be saying you don't). There will also be a lot of mixed feelings about other kids getting to live with his dad when he doesn't - it'll all very complicated for a 14yo so make it easier for him and make it clear that he doesn't have to worry about the adult stuff, that's your job. Good luck!

Council and housing regulations for own rooms is that children of the same gender can share a room, however if different ages they need their own rooms over the age of 14 I believe for girls and 16 for boys.

However that’s not for private homeowners or rentals.

He in my opinion would not be getting a decision in the until he was seen with someone who specialise in this field.

I cannot see why an14 year old boy would want to move away from their friends, school etc... to move to a couch mile away from their mother and siblings.

The normal expectation is that teenage children of different sexes need to sleep separately from children of the opposite gender.

I would suggest offering to split your DS's time between the houses. This is what usually happens post divorce rather than children choosing where to live - thats a very hard thing to have to do - like taking sides. If he then is unhappy in one he can choose to vary it. But making him choose is harsh on him - he will be worried about making one parent unhappy poor thing.