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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

20 year old son (again)

5 replies

Nickij1973 · 28/06/2019 18:53

Hi

This ties in with my previous posts but wasn't sure how to link them but I'm single mum of one son, always been hard work. To summarise he started a foundation year at uni last Sep because his college results werent good enough to go straight onto a degree. He has never really worked despite me nagging him since he was 17 to look for part time work. I bailed him financially last November when he had spent his loan and overdraft, I couldn't afford to do this and left myself in a difficult position. Anyway, he has failed the foundation year because he didn't go to uni or do any assignments. He signed a contract for a house share starting this September so has decided to retake the foundation year or uni have said he can catch up over summer but I don;t know if he is doing this. He came home in April and I'm really struggling, he doesn't think he should work, he was living off the final installment of his student loan so I haven't given him any money but I have been buying food. He is up all night on XBox and sleeps all day. We have been arguing a lot and my main worry is that at least 5/6 days out of 7 he orders takeaways to be delivered and they cost up to £16 per time! I have found out that his girlfriend who is currently in Belfast (we are in Lancashire) is paying for most of these takeaways, she is also a student but works in a restaurant. On at least 3 occasions I have come home from work cooked a meal and he hasn't eaten it but orders a takeaway late at night instead. The other week he threw the whole plate of food in the bin and lied to me about it. Last night I was woken at 3am by a takeaway delivery. We are not speaking but I sent him a message telling him that I won't be cooking anymore as there is no point. I'm so worried about his future he is lazy, terrible with money and has no idea about real life. I blame myself but at the same time I would ideally like him to move out but he has nowhere to go. He doesn't see his dad and we have no other family. My friends say he takes advantage of me and uses me as although I haven't given him money recently he goes out every Sat night and knows he is keeping me up til past midnight before he goes out then wakes me again at 6/7am when he returns but last week he had the nerve to call me at 6.30 to ask me to go and pick him up. I refused but am so angry and hurt at his lack of consideration. I work full time and he knows I don't sleep well. I guess I'm just sounding off and looking for thoughts on what other people would do. Is there such a thing as an addiction to takeaways?

OP posts:
madyogafan · 28/06/2019 22:11

Sounds tough Nicki.

My daughter is similar. Terrible with money. In the end we had to pay her money in instalments because otherwise she would run out and ask for cash. All her spare cash goes on take away. She's put on 5 stone since she left home!

She has just finished uni where she did get a good degree in a creative subject (which she found easy due to natural ability) but has now been fired from her first job.

I have been ill with the stress. I have no idea what the answer is. My daughter also has mental health problems and has just got a housing association flat so I plan to let her try to manage on benefits to see if it makes her see sense! I'm hoping the lack of money will break the take away habit.
Whether this works remains to be seen.

Good luck to you and hope things work out.

Nickij1973 · 29/06/2019 07:12

HI madyogafan, thanks for the reply. Sounds really hard for you and I appreciate how worried you must be. What is it with takeaways! I blame myself for maybe not teaching him to cook as much when he was younger but I've offered several times to show him some simple recipes but he isn't interested. Good luck x

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 29/06/2019 07:16

Is the Xbox games over wi-fi? I have no idea how these things work could you turn that off?

yearinyearout · 29/06/2019 07:28

I have no idea how you can motivate a lazy 20 year old to pull his finger out but I would definitely disconnect the WiFi. In terms of student loan, (if he would agree to it) it could be paid into your account and you set up a weekly standing order to his account. We did this with our DS as we were having to top up his rent so was easier than paying rent from two sources.

lljkk · 30/06/2019 08:26

I like to think I would turn off the WiFi, not pay another penny out towards his keep & generally try to get him to move out; might even involve a stand up row of turfing him out. If he had to spend some nights on the streets, so be it. Weather is good right now, at least.

Whether I'm that tough, truly, I don't know.

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