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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenager doesn't want to do anything

20 replies

Theemojimovie · 27/06/2019 17:57

I really don't know what to do next.

Dd is 15, just finished GCSEs. She has an offer of a place at college, but doesn't want to go. Won't get an apprentice post either. She just wants to do nothing.

She says she is depressed, but again, won't do anything about it.

I've arranged 4 different counseling options over the last 3 or 4 years, all at her request, but she always walks out during the first session saying "it's stupid" and refuses to re-engage.

I asked her today what she wants to do, and she said she would rather not be here, and went and shut herself in her room again.

I'm so scared for her future, what can I do to help, and on a more practical level, if she refuses to accept the college place, what will happen?
She can't just sit at home all day. I'm sure she would like to, but it's not exactly useful, and it's against the law.

She won't help herself, won't get a job, won't go to the shop on her own, won't get on a bus, is just a whole mess and I don't know how to help.

OP posts:

Loveislandaddict · 27/06/2019 18:03

Can you book her a GP appointment and go with her? Or contact an organisation and she may e able to speak/counsel her on the phone.

Original poster

Theemojimovie · 27/06/2019 19:28

We've been, they just suggest more counselling, which she won't take part in.

OP posts:

needsomesleepy · 27/06/2019 19:32

She says she is depressed, but again, won't do anything about it.

That's depression. You can't just do something about it.

Has she seen the GP?

Original poster

Theemojimovie · 27/06/2019 19:42

Yes, GP suggested a few local teenage counseling services. She walked out of all of them, including camhs. I just want to be able to help her but I can't force her to engage with these things

OP posts:

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 27/06/2019 19:45

Would she consider medication to get her head above the parapet of feeling like this? Sometimes we need pulling up a bit before we can start to talk about what’s wrong really

Original poster

Theemojimovie · 27/06/2019 19:50

She won't take tablets. She still has Calpol if she has a headache, can't even swallow a paracetamol.

Sorry to sound so negative, but this is what I get all the time and I just can't seem to get her to let me help her.

OP posts:

LimitIsUp · 27/06/2019 19:51

It's worrying that she says she "would rather not be here" - she sounds very depressed. If that comment refers to suicidal feelings she should have an emergency CAMHS referral - surely

MindfulMummy · 27/06/2019 19:58

Hiya. It is a really hard time straight after their exams before college as they suddenly lack all structure and it is very common to feel overwhelmed and a bit lost.

I'm a secondary school teacher and my advice would be to give her Head of Year a ring. I realise she has technically finished school but if you explain the situation they could invite her into school and explain that she has to remain in education at least part time (if employed) by law. They will also have a careers service to offer advice if she is simply feeling overwhelmed. They will know her and her academic performance well and be able to talk her through her options; it may just be that she is more open to listening to them because they are not her parents... You know how funny teens can be about listening to anything we - as their parents - might tell them. 🙄

The appeal of 'doing nothing' will soon wear off, especially as she won't (l assume) have her own money to do anything with. Does she have any friends she would like to spend time with? Could you go camping as a family and invite a friend to go with her perhaps? Or go on a spa day with her to have some quality time to chill and not talk about college etc?Could you agree with her that she can have 2 weeks off to relax and please herself but then she needs to be seen to be trying to get a job and research courses and apprenticeships? If she won't engage with counselling there is not much you can do to make her but your gp should have more suggestions than that!

Also, on results day in August there will be people available at school for her to chat to about her options.

You could also have a word with Holland and Barrett or a homeopath to get their advice on natural supplements to help boost mood and it would also be worth ordering a blood test through your GP as low B12 levels can play havoc with moods.

Good luck. 🍀

Original poster

Theemojimovie · 27/06/2019 20:20

Mindfulmummy, thanks that's good advice. I doubt she she will speak to school, but supplements might help. She has a tiny appetite, barely eats.

She is good academically, but has had high expectations from the school and I think she is worried about not achieving them. She needs 5 grade 7s to do what she wants to at college, but now says she doesn't care if she even goes to college or not.
She talks to her friends on social media, but hardly leaves the house to go and see them. And not school is over I don't think she will see anyone all summer and only leave the house when I drag her out for a walk around the block.

OP posts:

Original poster

Theemojimovie · 27/06/2019 20:21

The more I type, the worse it sounds, perhaps I should get a gp appointment myself and talk about her. Will they let me do that?

OP posts:

Luckything50 · 27/06/2019 20:26

When my ds 15 was low I gave him Higher Nature Serotone supplements, 100mg. Over time they really helped.

nzeire · 27/06/2019 20:30

My mum dragged me to a naturopath, he turned my life around.
Try and trigger some spark in her... encourage empathy for YOU.
Good luck xxx

shortsaint · 27/06/2019 20:34

I am in the same position with my DS. Listening with interest.....

He has does not eat well, refuses to go out, work, anything. Reluctantly goes to school. Thinks his life is utter shit. I do think he is depressed but the only thing he will take is a One A Day Kalm.

PoppyLooLa · 29/06/2019 08:16

This was my daughter and despite seeking help from CAMHS, GP, school and SS she still attempted suicide this year. Luckily for us she is still here but things are really hard as she still hasn’t fully opened up. I think medication can only help. As a parent all you can do is keep pushing and keep trying everything. Please persist for help from the mental health services. Would hate you to go through what we are right now ☹️

MyNewBearTotoro · 29/06/2019 08:24

I would go to the GP. If she is depressed it might be that medication would help, especially if she’s currently unable to engage with any talking therapies. I have a friend who took the anti-depressant fluoxetine in a liquid form as she couldn’t swallow tablets so that may be an option. If not you can crush up pills and take them with a spoonful of yoghurt or similar.

I would also ask for a round of blood-tests to check for any vitamin deficiencies - I find that if I’m beginning to see the first symptoms of depression after a run of feeling well it is often linked to anaemia or low B12 and taking supplements for these can stop it developing any further. You can buy liquid iron supplements and multi-vitamins so they may be worth trying.

lljkk · 29/06/2019 10:48

Does she have any interests?

Is there anything you could plan that would tempt her out of the house, even if only briefly, that you can afford?

(I am fully aware that teenagers tend to only like expensive outings).
Even just going to cinema. Or ask for her help on a shopping trip to choose someone's present. Help with a chore in the garden. Etc.

Try to nudge her out of her current habits of only staying in.

Original poster

Theemojimovie · 30/06/2019 07:19

Oh PoopyLooLa I am so sorry to hear that. It must be terrifying.
She does have some good ish days. She went the the college introduction day this week, and said it was ok, spoke to a few people but didn't ask thier names or chat, just spoke when needed for the activities. So a sort of ok day.

I'm definitely going to look into getting some supplements, just need to persuade her to agree.

OP posts:

Michaelbaubles · 30/06/2019 07:24

Just to say, I teach at a college and it’s extremely common, in fact I’d say the norm amongst the type of students I teach (who tend towards the geeky/introvert/less “popular” types) to not talk to anyone much at induction days and not to come away with new friends etc. Just in case you were imagining that every other student there had a whale of a time! Usually they join in the sessions fine but mostly look like they want the floor to open up and swallow them.

Original poster

Theemojimovie · 30/06/2019 08:01

Thanks, that really does help :). I saw large groups of kids coming out chatting. I guess they all already know each other from school. There are only about 4 or 5 from her school, and only 2 of those are her close friends.
She insisted I pick her up, I wanted her to walk, I thought it might be more sociable, and she needs to learn some independence. She has been driven to and from school every day since year 8 cos we moved house. Now the college is within walking distance, so I really hoped she would walk, but no, I got a call pleading for me to go and get her.

OP posts:

Michaelbaubles · 30/06/2019 10:53

I think they still worry about all the stuff we cover in great detail when they’re about to start reception - which door do you go in, where are the toilets, where do I go at dinner time....nothing wrong with giving a bit of support in the form of lifts at first. Hopefully she’ll be more confident as time goes on. Certainly I see a marked change in my groups by half way through the first year.

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