Learning not to argue back. How??

[Storminateacup74]

How can I learn not to argue back. My dd is really stressed with exams and friendship issues and she takes it out on me. If I walk away she follows me and will push and shove me till I react then I lose it with her and it erupts in to a full blown shouting match. I walked out the house last night and she followed.me shouting and swearing at me with all the neighbours watching!!

What sanctions do you give for her behaving in this way?

I think you need to have a good system of sanctions where you know in advance what the consequences will be for this sort of behaviour, and how you will behave, eg, walk into the garden, into the bathroom, count to 10, repeat a phrase in your head, etc. Remind yourself you are in charge, and that she is behaving like this because she is anxious.

Has she been anxious before? How do she normally deal with stress?

Also, you need to talk about this once she is calm, and make it clear her behaviour is unacceptable, no matter how stressed she is. Then help her learn to handle her emotions.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3584550-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-Po-Ts-where-parenting-a-teen-is-having-an-adverse-effect-on-our-mental-health
Op have a read through another thread lots of help for similar teens

Buy the book “How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk”.

Gives you lots of strategies for taking back control of the conversation in situations like this.

Is she always like this? And with others? She could end up in trouble with the law if this is what she is like when stressed (im assuming you arent contacting the police over this).

She is well behaved in all other situations she is doing really well at school and would never dream of talking to anyone out of the family like this. She is also extremely trustworthy and very very honest. The model teen in all other ways it's just when she gets stressed she takes it out on me and sometimes her dad and has been known to also let rip with my mum.

She has no respect for you, her dad or her grandmother.
Why do you allow her to be physical with you? She's pushing way too many boundaries.
Being stressed and having friendship issues is not a reason to lash out and be verbal, she's using it as an excuse.
Sorry but it's true 🤷🏻‍♀️

When she is calm talk to her about it. Tell her there will be consequences, and follow through when it happens. Eg in the first instance you will ask her politely to stop. Then if she keeps going you will ask her to go to her room. If she doesn't, you will switch off the WiFi and her cellular access (hopefully you are on a family plan and can do that from your phone) and it will be off for the rest of the evening. This might make it hard to study but she had plenty of chances to quit. If you think you can physically take her phone and or computer off her that could be the last step (and you drive it away and store it somewhere unknown) but only mention this if you think you can do it, you wouldn't want it to end in either failure or a physical brawl.

You could also ask her if she has any ideas for ways she can calm down when stressed and if there's anything you can do to help. Eg get her a punching bag.

I close my eyes for a minute and dream I am on a beach with someone bringing me cocktails. It always makes me feel.calmer.

Sorry.... she shoves you?! Is that a regular occurrence? My god she'd know that she had crossed a boundary (or 5!) if I had anything to do with it. It's one thing shouting and hollering in a disrespectful way, but to get physical is downright disgusting. Take away ALL the privileges. Phone, laptop, makeup, whatever. Exam stress is NOT an excuse for such thuggish behaviour. Awful.

If this was a man who was aggressive when stressed itd be as vile as a female.