I feel such a failure. Don't want DD back home.

[Severnlurveheart]

My dd is 13, she has always been an explosive child but since her dad and I split she's off the chart. I have been trying to hold everything together, get her to dance classes even though she can't be added to get ready. Her dance school isn't local so it's always a rush to get there. On Friday she took ages getting changed as usual but had an irrational meltdown about having a bun in her hair. I said her teacher insists on it and if she didn't wear one then I wouldn't take her. This made her very angry. After I had done her hair I decided to ws it in the car for her. I know now that she thought I was going to drive off without her. My son heard her go in my room and she smashed my tablet screen.
On the way to dance I asked if she needed her character shoes (she had also forgotten them the day before) as her teacher mentioned they would focus on 2 dances but I didn't hear which ones. I said I was happy to turn the car round so she could take her character shoes but just got a mouthful of abuse. When she got to dance I did tell the teacher how difficult she had been and she had a word with her about her being old enough to remember her stuff for dance. Dd shed a few tears and came to apologise but I think that was out of guilt for smashing my tablet.

It was much later on that evening when I discovered the screen on my tablet had been smashed. It's an old one that I don't use except for saving photos onto it.

She denied all knowledge of doing it. The next morning I said she was grounded and wouldn't be allowed to go to her friend's party. I was looking forward to having a break as it was a sleepover but I was very upset about my tablet.
Dd shouted and banged and slammed doors as usual. I threatened to call the police and she calmed down. The next time I left my room I noticed she had put a hole through the door of the airing cupboard. I was devastated. She also denied this. We have only been renting this house a few weeks and I'm terrified of being evicted.
I called the police straight away to report the criminal damage. My son rang his dad and he came to take her for a few hours but I said she can't come back as myself and ds don't feel safe.

I have texted her and said she's not welcome to come back as I can't risk her damaging the house again. My ex owns his home so isn't under as much threat as I am although the neighbours have reported them to the police when there's been arguments.

I feel like I was on borrowed time with her anyway, as soon as she's 18 I won't get help with housing costs and I have 2 part time jobs which fit round her dancing but they're not enough to live on without claiming for dependents. I feel like I may as well not be here if I can't live with DD anyway, I'll end up in a dire financial situation so life is always going to be hard. I am so scared. I really feel like I can't go on anymore.

We use OurPact to block off phones for chunks of time. Takes the arguments away. Have a look at it. There are other similar things.

Sorry, just re - read the thread and realised the question of adhd has already been raised. I still think it's worth investigating. Also, I agree with the previous posters regarding natural consequences. e.g. she breaks your tablet she has to replace it which may mean losing pocket money; she's late for ballet, then at her be late etc. In my experience random, unrelated punishments like confiscating mobile phones / Xbox etc just make things worse. The consequence needs to be a direct result of the act. I think as parents, and in schools, we are overly focused on sanctions, without looking at whether they actually have a positive impact on behaviour; research evidence would suggest not.

I have a 9yo who is 'fine in school'. We still got an Adhd diagnosis from someone who looked at the whole picture.

Chase, chase, chase for assessment results. Be the squeaky wheel.

I too had issues as a teen which weren't dealt with. They've had a massive impact and it's only now learning more about my eldest son and having youngest daughter being assessed too that pieces are clicking into place. I've sought help from gp for me.

My DS has ADHD he has broken banisters, put holes in doors etc. The explosive anger is very difficult to deal with. He is also a great one for being late (I’m waiting for him to go to school now). He is a lot less violent now he is 15, although he still has the explosive temper and is very difficult to deal with. I try and detach as much as poss, otherwise it literally sends me crazy (it still does sometimes). He is much better when he has his medication, which he does not always. My recommendations are;

1. detach as much as poss and don’t take it personally 2)avoid arguments as much as poss- I used to follow my DS to his room, that used to send him ballistic as he felt threatened
2. let bygones be bygones
3. go to GP, be very honest about the dynamics in your house, hopefully get a referral to Camhs, also some support for you and DS.

Perhaps time to think about you too.

You have teenage children so don't need to be around for them so much. A full time job would give you something else to focus on and build your own self worth.

Get some advice about your CV, do some volunteering, find some training, check out a range of work options. You will feel better about yourself, feel less bitter about your ex ( he seems more financially stable with his own house) and be more secure in the future financially.

Just my thoughts -
You have to put your own oxygen mask on first.
What can you do to make your life more manageable?

My first thought would be GP appointment for all of you. AS pp have suggested, DD needs referral for CAMHS.

Your son needs support and possible investigation for depression - although, I think it is likely that your DD's behaviour and the subsequent focus on her is a major factor in this.

I would insist that DD attends the local dance school. She will have more independence and will be more likely to make local friends there. 13 is plenty old enough to organise herself and her equipment.

She needs to understand that she cannot damage your home and risk you all being evicted. She is old enough for you to explain this honestly.

Lock up your valuables.

Aim to increase your work hours over the next couple of years.

Oh, and keep a behaviour diary. Is some of this hormonal?

What consequence did your DD learn from you calling the police. Nothing. You made a phone, got a number, the police weren't interested. Absolutely zero impact on her, except to realise that calling the police doesn't seem like a very big deal.

I going to ring the GP for an appt.

What consequence did your DD learn from you calling the police. Nothing. You made a phone, got a number, the police weren't interested. Absolutely zero impact on her, except to realise that calling the police doesn't seem like a very big deal.

It will get flagged up with social services, as it was a 101 call at the weekend I wasn't expecting a visit on the day but I know tjey will call round and they can have a word with her.
Police told me to dial 999 if she starts up again. What do you think I should do? I will be reliant on renting for the rest of my life, hopefully I may get a one bed council place when my kids have grown up. That's unless she gets me an asbo then I don't know what I'll do.

Rang GP and got an appt this evening. Rang school and spoke to safeguarding. They are going to request an Early help assessment. I have already had one but not heard from social worker for 3 months.

Perspicacia is just being a wind up merchant, try and ifnore the ones like that who have absolutely no idea about dealing with a difficult teen on your own and with an actively difficult Ex, and no money. They have no clue of how hard the cumulative effect is on you, and that what you need is some actual practical help. Hope you get some help, keep shouting if you don’t. It is the squeaky wheel thing- I didn’t realise that until far too late

Sometimes our DCs are difficult to love and it sounds like you're running on empty, anyway, which makes actively loving a difficult teen next to impossible. Do what you need to do to look after yourself - job, friends, whatever you need, as pp have discussed.

Then, with your own emotional needs met, keep trying to connect with DD. Keep asking questions: get a sense of what her day's been like, which friends she's maybe worried about, funny stuff that's amused her, people she follows on sm, and so on. I joined Instagram because my DD did, and she regularly sends me stuff she thinks will make me laugh. Occasionally I send her stuff that she hasn't already seen! It all helps to build a connection. I felt quite disconnected from my DD in the past (we don't have a lot in common), but all these ideas have helped me to appreciate what's great about her.

Obviously, it's really difficult to appreciate someone who's smashing your house up, but you must try. And that's why getting support for yourself first is vital.

Or ASD. You mention sensory issues with her hair?

Hi OP
I'm a single mum of 5, although I hasten to add, 3 of whom are 21, 17 & 16.
My younger 2 are 3.5 and 15 months.
I can only offer advice based on my own experiences.
My kids have never been grounded or really had a consequence. There's never really been the need. Of course kids can be little buggers sometimes. For me, I don't feel I need to show them 'I'm in control'
It's about showing them throughout teen years, that THEY are in control. You are their mentor. If they choose to be a tittie, then they should feel like a tittie.....their choice. By this age, they know right from wrong. My god, if you smashed her phone in a temper, she'd be calling MI5 to have you permanently locked up!
When my teens got their titties in a fizz, I simply explained ( in a calm stable voice) 'Uou chose to do this knowing it was wrong or inappropriate, so therefore, you chose to have a consequence.

Next time your dd can't be arsed to get ready for dance, and you've warned her, simply pop up to her room and say, 'you chose to ignore my prompts, so therefore we are unable to go. You now have 2 more chances and then I will be cancelling your dance lessons permanently. Let's try and see if you can make it for your next lesson.'
Then leave it there.
If she smashes things or loses control, simply say, ' I'm walking away because you clearly can't control yourself around me at the moment. Please come and find me when you can explain yourself'
Whatever she breaks she must try and justify reasonably. When she's calmer, she really won't be able to.
You simply explain, it's such a shame upu did 'a' because now you've chosen to do this to make up for it.
She needs to learn, lashing out can have a huge consequence but it's she who chooses to lash out.

Just an update to say the Dr recommended counselling. He wouldn't investigate adhd or refer to Cahms.

The police visited me today about the incident, they can have a chat to her, or, interview her but it would be referred to young offenders or do nothing. They said I need to keep on at Dr. I think I will go for the first option as need her to know she is putting is all at risk of moving again.

I've not been feeling too great this week, it's beginning to affect me at work. She said some awful things to me earlier which made it even worse. I have been asking her dad if she can live with him. At least she is the stability of a forever home with him. I'm beginning to struggle keeping up with all the day to day stuff. I need to be supporting DS in getting some work experience over the summer.

Get on to the school as well. Ime we had a shit school then moved to one who happily helped put referrals together and so on. Even though ds1 is 'fine' in school.

It is much, much harder for girls to get noticed and put forward for necessary assessments. And I am only grateful that our lovely school have taken the lead on this for our 7yo dd. They have concerns and dd is a positive angel in school compared to her fire cracker temper at home.

@minisoksmakehardwork
I have an appointment at School tomorrow morning.

Counselling sounds like the right step. You say that you recently moved into a larger property and that she seemed happier before this incident. Is it possible that she is starting to feel more settled and so some of the bottled up feelings are coming out? Now is the time to support her to deal with what is going on for her. I would continue to encourage her positive interests but also ensure there are real, timely and related consequences. Could the two of you seek some family therapy? Maybe some time at dad's will be positive but regardless your relationship with her could benefit from some healing.

The GP won’t give you a CAMHS referral for ADHD without supporting statement from the school. set up a meeting with your SENCO first.

Youdon’t know it’s ADHD as you’re not a psychologist - but you do know that her behaviour is massively challenging and so you di need some help! I can’t see why the GP would not refer you for a psychological assessment. Surely they need that before recommending the kind of counselling needed. Agree with the others, speak to the SENCO and try and get to understand how school is for her.

I have to say : I never broke a hole in a door or smashed a tablet when I was a teenager. It is excessive