Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

15yo dd invited to sleepover at new bf house

13 replies

Flossiefoo · 22/06/2019 00:04

We’ve said categorically ‘No’ Just not comfy with this arrangement.
Bf lives an hour away with dad (nice chap, have met a couple of times)
Friendship has developed into attraction (slow burner for dd)
Nice, polite lad
BUT dd is only 15

Anyone had experience of this, any advice welcome on how to explain to dd it’s not happening without the huffing & rolling of eyes & inevitable .. ‘ Ugh why don’t you’ve trust me, we’ll only watch films’
But I know it’ll be in his bedroom !!

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 22/06/2019 04:31

My friend's 15 year old has had a girlfriend for 1 year now and they progressed from group sleepovers to her staying over. They are having sex and she's on the pill.

It's full-on and upsetting and worrying but OP I think you're right. Could you host him instead?

The problem is, if they want to have sex, they will find a way. Speak to her about it...

MintyT · 22/06/2019 05:26

Have a chat with her, explaining your concerns as a flat no is unfair. You know your daughter best. It's very hard isn't it I found 15 a dangerous age! One minute their an adult next a child. But they probably just want to hand out together rather than sleep together

ukgift2016 · 22/06/2019 05:39

No I wouldn't allow this either. I maybe would when my daughter turned 16 though.

I would just be honest with her about the reasons why regardless if she was to huff and puff.

It is funny because the teenagers at the time do not like it you when you put in boundaries but when they are adults, they be asking why you didn't put in boundaries and let them do x y and z without any concern.

This is part of parenting.

blackcat86 · 22/06/2019 06:00

@ukgift2016 is right. Teenagers of that age struggle to really consider the potential negative consequences and tend to want to go with their peers. However, my parents basically stopped parenting me at 14 because they couldn't really be bothered. I became sexually active as soon as I was in relationships at 14 and deeply regret it. Although my mum quickly got me on the pill there was no discussion about healthy relationships and the emotions that came with sex. Your daughter may not appreciate your boundaries now but she will do in the future. Could you invite the boy over instead so they can hang out and you can either drive him home after dinner or he can sleep on the sofa?

Pomgirl · 22/06/2019 06:16

Unfortunately the young will have sex if they want to, whether they stay over or not. I would have a talk around safe sex and potentially look at precautions.

Could she agree to stay if seperate bedrooms is agreed with bf dad?

lpchill · 22/06/2019 06:43

How old is the BF?

Use this as an opportunity to talk about safe sex and get her some contraception. Even if she says they will just watch films. Talk around consent, condoms and only to have sex when she feels ready.

They will find a way to have sex if that's what they want. So make sure she is safe.

As others had said maybe have the sleepover at your house? I personally wouldn't have them sleeping in separate rooms as they will just wait until your asleep and in personal experience it caused resentment. But you need to decide what your comfortable with

ReganSomerset · 22/06/2019 06:45

It would be a no from me, personally. Though I'm not sure you can or should stop her when she's reaches sixteen.

BillywilliamV · 22/06/2019 07:05

I struggle with the concept of changing the rules absolutely on her 16th birthday. How many girls are pressurised into their first sexual encounter because “it’s legal now!”
It might be easier to help her set her own limits around consent and sexual activity without too much recourse to her exact age.

ReganSomerset · 22/06/2019 07:11

I would agree with you, and would happily continue to say no to sleepovers, but think it's a legal grey area to be telling a legal adult what she can do with her evenings. I mean, if she's old enough to decide the fate of Scotland...

I would not have them be legal adults until eighteen personally. It'd be far more clear cut.

Thursday452poh · 22/06/2019 07:13

Realistically if they are going to have sex they will whether you let her sleep over or not, at the moment she is being open with you and asking to sleep over. She’s not going behind your back and just doing it anyway.. seize the opportunity to speak to her about safe sex, the pill condoms etc.
Make sure she is fully Informed.

AJPTaylor · 22/06/2019 07:20

I am with you.
The whole teens will have sex thing. Maybe. My dds were informed about safe sex.
My role was not to condone underage sex or allow them into unsafe situations. I'm with you op. It was a flat no from me at that age.

BarbedBloom · 22/06/2019 11:10

If they want sex they will have it, but I think this is about not putting her in a situation where it may be more difficult to say no. When she was 16 i would be happier for her to stay over with the offer that I would collect her, no questions asked at whatever time she needed me to.

But I do think you need to consider they may be having sex already and you need to discuss contraception and consent with her. FWIW I was sexually active at this age and I don't regret it at all, but my mother did pretty much opt out of discussions and the other person who I spoke to was of the attitude, it is illegal so don't do it, which didn't help either

mcmen71 · 22/06/2019 14:46

Tell her if you can talk with the dad first u will let her and if she has sex to tell you as you can help her.
I let my 16y dd stay and I havent met her bf just saw photos. Your dd and bf live so far away its hard for them.
Or say he can stay at yours.
I wouldnt say a blank no because she will tell you then shes at a friends and really be with him. The first time is hard when they think they are in lovex

Flip