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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

"Dislike" DD's Friend, not sure what to do

16 replies

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/06/2019 01:50

This is somewhat similar to the thread "Concerns about my DD's Friends" but it's specific to one girl that DD (14) has recently befriended. They've known each other since nursery but have only recently started hanging out

My concern is that this girl (14) is someone "known" as a troublemaker. She was expelled from one school at 10 for bullying and continues to have dramatic fallings-out with other girls in which her mother gets involved - so the parents also end up not speaking to each other!

The thing I find most disturbing is her provocative behaviour She posts glamour model-type photos on SM that other girls her age don't, and DD has shared some worrying rumours about her sex life. I'm sure some stories are completely made-up, but this girl is so unlike DD's other friends - there's something about her that makes me uncomfortable and sorry for her at the same time. She's over-sexualised, IYSWIM.

Yes, I know this all sounds pearl-clutching and helicoptor-parenting-ish, but I really feel uncomfortable about their new friendship.

What, if anything, can I do?

OP posts:

solargain · 19/06/2019 01:52

Oh Lord. I was all set to say you were being an over protective cow but then saw the stuff about over sexualisation.

I'm having the same problem (believe it or not) with my FIVE year old ds.

It's easy for me to keep him away from his friend (with the gross weird parents) but I don't see what you can do about your dd to be honest. Just arm her with the right information before she heads the wrong stuff?

Original poster

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/06/2019 02:05

I knew I'd be accused of being over-protective.

The thing is, her behaviour is way beyond that of DD's other friends, who aren't wallflowers and are starting to have boyfriends, etc. I have no problem with that. I honestly find the way she presents herself disturbing, as if someone has told her that she's totally defined by her looks and sex appeal.

OP posts:

HarleyS · 19/06/2019 02:10

Tell your daughter you don't like the friend or her attitude and don't want her associating with her.
She doesn't have to tell the friend the truth, she can just make excuses and avoid her.

AhNowTed · 19/06/2019 02:23

OP if this helps...

In my teens I had 2 or 3 best friends.

From about 14 to 18 yrs.

I was the sensible one. My friends were a little promiscuous relatively speaking, well relative to me anyway.

Their behaviour didn't really rub off on me. I was a totally different personality. Shy and insecure which probably had a bearing.

I liked them because they were great company and good friends.

But I didn't follow their behaviour.

Their mothers thought I was great as I was a positive influence, ie sensible.

It definitely helped that I was in a long term relationship from 16.

What I'm saying is it doesn't always follow that your daughter will just copy the crowd.

Original poster

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/06/2019 02:30

Tell your daughter you don't like the friend or her attitude and don't want her associating with her.

I have and was told I was interfering and overprotective!

Thing is, I'm not normally like this with DD's friends and I have no problem with DD growing up, seeing boys, having sex, etc. There's just something about this girl that worries me, as if she doesn't realise that women are more than sexual objects...I don't know how to phase it, something's just "off."

OP posts:

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/06/2019 02:39

Follow your gut, mums are always right about this stuff.
I would just encourage the friendships with the other girls. I wouldn't make a big deal, but I would try to stop your DD spending time at this girls house.
Maybe subtly talk to your daughter about the sexualised behaviour in general.

carla1983 · 19/06/2019 02:52

I had friends who were bad for me when I was a teen. In retrospect, I wish my mum had stepped in.

Widowodiw · 19/06/2019 02:56

Other than the photos in social media what else makes you think she’s over sexualised? Does the girl come around your house? I think I’d be tempted to try and help the girl if I’m honest rather than just push her away from my daughter. At the same time discussing g with my daughter what the things friend does and why you are uncomfortable with it.

HarleyS · 19/06/2019 03:02

I had a friend like this.
Inbetweeners the show wasn't around then, but imagine the character of Jay, a female version but sleazier, that was my friend!
I wish my mum had interfered, that friend's reputation was associated with me.
Even now people would still ask if I'm still friends with her, I'm still embarrassed.

Original poster

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/06/2019 03:19

I think the photos disturb me because they're not the norm for a 14-year-old and they're under an account in her name, so her parents must be aware that she's posting them. I can't understand why they're letting her, it's leaving her open to exploitation.

There are other issues besides the photos, but I don't want to go into details, tbh. The awkward thing is, I know her Mum and she's v. nice. She seems to have a blind spot when it comes to her DD and can't see that her little girl could ever bully or be sexually active at a young age. Her older sister had problems with drugs (thankfully now recovered) and I think that was a huge shock as well.

OP posts:

Seniorschoolmum · 19/06/2019 03:48

An alternative approach would be to welcome the girl into your normal non-dramatic, non-sexualised family environment. Downplay the stuff you don’t like, include her in some more age-appropriate activities and support your daughter who has chosen the girl as a friend.
See how she reacts. It might be just what she needs.

Ohyesiam · 19/06/2019 03:55

It doesn’t follow that her parents know about the pics she posts.

solargain · 19/06/2019 11:19

@Ohyesiam I know a few girls who are 12-14 and posting highly sexual photos on Instagram. Their parents see it, they just don't care. Two of them have already been targeted by much older men. The school are doing what they can.

Ohyesiam · 19/06/2019 12:07

@solargain I agree, this sadly happens at my dds school too.

I was responding to op stating

they're under an account in her name, so her parents must be aware that she's posting them

solargain · 19/06/2019 12:20

@Ohyesiam oh I see. Yes totally, they may well not know!

growlingbear · 19/06/2019 12:26

Tricky. I'd probably try and dilute the friendship as much as possible by getting DD involved in things which she loves that aren't to do with over sexualisation and being obsessed with glamour.

I wouldn't criticise the girl herself because that could make DD dig her heels in but I would be very open about what aspects of her behaviour are concerning and why.

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