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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 14 year old lost all his friends

28 replies

marrella · 18/06/2019 05:05

My son is 14 and just graduated 8th grade. He was the class valedictorian and we are so proud of him. My son would hang out with other boys in his class during the school year. After graduation 3 weeks ago, these so called friends have been unbelievably mean. My son tried texting them to see if anyone wanted to hang out. My son was told: no one likes you, your fat,the only friend you have is your double chin, you're gay,and the list goes on.I am devastated but he tells me he's fine. And I can tell he's lonely. I'm pretty sure no one from his class will come to his graduation party and it breaks my heart. My son is a good kid,smart,funny,kind. Hes a little shy and would prefer to play games on his computer. He starts high school football next week so I'm hopeful he will make new friends. I'm kind of at a loss right now though. I want to help him but I'm afraid im pushing too much.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 18/06/2019 05:13

I don’t want to ask about his weight, but is he healthy and happy, especially since you say he spends a lot of time on computer games?

BeardedMum · 18/06/2019 05:20

I would go into the school and speak to a teacher. They need to be aware of what goes on. Hopefully he can make new friends with another group over time, but it’s important to make adults aware. Children often don’t want to “report” or “grass” out of fear it will make things worse, but in my experience schools can at least deal with the name calling fairly effectively.

NerrSnerr · 18/06/2019 05:29

Does he need to have a graduation party if it's going to cause him upset. Could you have a meal out or something instead?

GnomeDePlume · 18/06/2019 05:39

Are there things he can do outside of school to try to build a different group of friends? When young teens I encouraged all three of my DCs to do non-school activities. It depends on what is available in your area but anything which is based around a hobby or interest.

IME as the focus of the group is the activity the friendships develop quite quickly even if they arent bosom buddies.

HermioneMakepeace · 18/06/2019 05:48

My DS is also 14 and has had a similar experience, although he has never been very popular.

Definitely cancel the party. Can you offer something else that’s better? So that he doesn’t feel he’s missing out?

1066vegan · 18/06/2019 05:49

I think the idea of a smaller celebration rather than a party sounds a good idea and starting a new school is always a great opportunity for children to reinvent themselves and have a fresh start.

Are you in the US? I'm in the UK and there were some things in your post that I could guess at from tv/films but don't know if I have right.

Is it usual to talk about "graduating" from (the equivalent of primary?) school and are graduation parties the norm? In the Uk, people tend to talk about "graduating" University but "leaving" school. Leavers' parties have become common for children leaving primary school but these are organised by the school and take place in the school (during the early evening). I haven't heard of children having their own parties.

What's a class valedictorian? (might have got that wrong - can't see the op on my phone).

Sorry to be nosy and derail the thread, but I think it's interesting how different countries do things differently. Your son sounds lovely. I hope things work out for him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/06/2019 05:58

Don’t have a party. Use the money you would have spent on the party to get your ds involved in a new activity, where there are some kids he doesn’t know and he can find some new friends. I appreciate he’s shy so he may take some convincing to do it and find the appropriate activity.

If it’s a weight thing, you could try some sport activity now or in the future. It doesn’t have to be team sports. Could be anything eg trampolining.

Speak to the old and new schools.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/06/2019 06:01

From your language, I take it you're in the US? So your son has just finished middle school and will be heading to high school after the summer vacation? If so, I'm not sure there's much the teachers can do except perhaps fill you in on anything that might have been going on in school that you weren't aware of.

The other kids sound awful. It seems very odd that they would just turn on him if they've been friendly through school until now. I would be a little concerned that maybe there has been a lot of bullying in the form of relational aggression (freezing out etc.) going on up til now that I wasn't aware of. Do you know any of the parents well? Can you ask them for a candid view of what's going on? Does he have good social skills generally? If not, possibly some coaching from a child psychologist so he has a confidence when he back to school? Can be hard to find someone that's good though.

I agree that throwing a graduation party for his friends if none of them are likely to turn up may not be the best idea and maybe a different sort of celebration that doesn't need friends to validate it would be a good idea.

Does he know any other kids who will be going to his high school? I would suggest concentrating on developing friendships over the summer, ideally with kids from different middle schools who are likely to go to his high school (so local summer camps may be, avoiding ones the ring leaders from his current school are likely to go to?), but even just a few strong friendships outside of school should help build resilience against that sort of bullying.

It is really upsetting to see our kids hurting knowing we can't just fix the problem but it's great that you're trying to help him.

Paintlikecrazy · 18/06/2019 06:30

Yes-I am from the united states. I forgot to mention that he is of a healthy weight. And the graduation party is mostly family but its custom for kids to invite their class too.
Also valedictorian means he was the smartest in his class. And for some reason the kids here look down on that person as being a nerd. Just because they are smart.
Thank you all for the advice. I was feeling a bit sad for him and was looking to get some things off my chest and for advice.

NerrSnerr · 18/06/2019 06:32

Even if the party is mostly family, if it's for him and it'll make him unhappy because friends don't come I wouldn't bother.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 18/06/2019 06:34

Don’t do a graduation party. (They aren’t really graduating..) All his peers are in the same position so why would they come?

Paintlikecrazy · 18/06/2019 06:37

Also-some of these boys in class have been mean in the past to him. My son would be upset and then they would apologize and it would all be forgotten. Except now there's no apologies coming from these mean boys. Why is it that the kids with the biggest hearts get bullied the worst?

AuntMarch · 18/06/2019 06:40

I don't understand the party thing, is it custom because he was valedictorian? Because otherwise, aren't there just lots of clashing parties??

Kids are mean to smart kids. It's always been the case, sadly. I don't have any advice as no experience of teens, but I just wanted to say I hope he doesn't let it get to him too much. Some activities over the summer to make sure there's some socialising and not just gaming probably a good idea if he can find something that appeals though!

jameswong · 18/06/2019 06:44

You aren't the OP...what's going on?

sneakypinky · 18/06/2019 06:46

Graduating from year 8?!

LinoleumBlownapart · 18/06/2019 06:47

As your in the US does that mean that all the boys from his middle school will go to the same high school? Do you think this will carry over to high school? Are there other feeder middle schools so he will have the chance to make new friends?
If he's starting football that will help, especially if the school is very into their athletes/teams. Most schools are big on anti bullying too, so hopefully if you do find a problem when he starts, you can nip it in the bud before it escalates.
This sounds very sudden, is there possibly a jealous ring leader at the center of all this?

NerrSnerr · 18/06/2019 06:48

@sneakypinky it's moving from middle to high school in the US. The terminology is graduating over there.

Ginger1982 · 18/06/2019 06:50

@jameswong she's had a name change fail.

jameswong · 18/06/2019 06:51

Ah. I see. Thanks, ginger.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 18/06/2019 06:52

But they all do it Nerr so why bother with a party? (And it really isn’t graduating)

NerrSnerr · 18/06/2019 06:54

Myfool if you read the thread I have repeatedly said not to bother with the party. I was just explaining to PP why the son was 'graduating from year 8'. It's just a term of phrase.

Paintlikecrazy · 18/06/2019 07:00

Thanks for your thoughts. Just needed advice. Hard to see our children go through problems..but I hope this makes him stronger.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 18/06/2019 07:00

I was asking the OP, I did not actually think you were holding a party nerr 😂 It is totally meaningless and might exacerbate your son’s alienation OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/06/2019 07:03

Name change fail?

katewhinesalot · 18/06/2019 07:07

Ask him whether or not he wants his family round and be guided by him.
Don't make too big a deal of it or he will be dealing with your emotions as well as his own. Just be dismissive of idiots who don't value a smart kids and tell him he'll have a fresh start at high school.

Encourage the sport and find some other activities to do out of school. Don't link to the real reason you are encouraging this.