Dd's can't stand each other - do I just have to accept it?

[avenueq]

That's it really. They've always been up and down, but in the last year things have really gone downhill. Reasons - exam stress, dd1 has first serious boyfriend and dd2 doesn't hide her dislike of him...
i asked them tonight to try and spend some time together now exams are over, just to see if they can enjoy spending time together. Dd2 said yes but dd1 point blank refused. Feel disappointed but do I need to just leave them to it?
They are 18 and nearly 16, dd1 off to uni in September

My eldest and my youngest used to clash daily. As soon as the eldest left for university, the youngest missed him more than any of us (even me). Whenever the eldest came back to visit, they'd be super-lovely to each other.

Since the eldest came back at the end of his first year (which seemed to be mostly finished by March), they've reverted slightly to their former bickering, but nowhere near as bad as it was before.

It seems that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Well they're sisters - they don't have to like each other or choose to spend time together. But they do have treat each other with respect and behave in a tolerant way with each whilst in your house?
I didn't get on with my next sister down from me until we both left home - I'd have been really pissed off if my mum had asked us to specifically spend time together - we had nothing in common. We still don't but are adults who can spend together and enjoy it (for the most part )
I wouldn't press the issue other than to set a level of politeness and tolerance, they will grow as people and grow up in time.

I have a few sisters. We totally stressed my dm out with the fighting. Over chores/ clothes/ makeup etc.
Then we left home. And we are genuinely best friends now. I wouldn't try to throw them together. Age means nothing later on but the gap is noticeable now.
As already said insist they are respectful and that's it.

My Dsis and I fought like cat and dog when we both lived at home. Only improved once we left and now we are really good mates.

Let them be - you can’t make people like each other. They will come together if they like each other. You’ll just make it worse if you interfere

I also had nothing in common with my sister and didn’t want to spend any time with her (not she with me). I know my DM was so disappointed but that’s just how it goes. You can demand they treat each other with respect but that’s all, really. Don’t worry! They might enjoy each other’s company more in a few years. I like seeing my sister now though we are still very different.

I'm similar to other posters. I have several sisters. The two I am closest to now are the ones I clashed with the most when we lived at home as teenagers.

Thank you all. It does make me sad but I'll have to learn to live with it.

My sister and I didn’t really get on on kids, we have 2 totally different personalities, we get on well as adults but we’re not particularly close. A phone call every couple of weeks and we get together for a chat and a brew once a month or so.

I don't get on with my sister. We are very different people. Years and years of "if only you could get along" and "all I want for my birthday is for you two to have dinner with me and for you two to get along....". aRGH! Put me off ever developing a relationship with her. I'm mid 40s now and don't speak to her at all and prefer it that way. The ship has sailed on that one. So kindly... don't push it.

I think it is a lesson to learn, there will always be situations where you do not get on with people, usually work ones so the quicker you learn to be polite and cordial for the sake of harmony the better. I feel it is a reflection of someone's character how they treat someone they do not like.

Maybe get DD1 to think of only positive things about DD2 to help her see past the negative. List the good stuff. Worth a try. And yes I grew up with 2 sisters.

I'm another one who couldn't stand my sister when we were living together.

Things started to improve when I went to uni. Now we go to stay with each other and have even been on holiday together. It definitely helped that our parents didn't push things, though. They insisted on politeness but didn't expect anything more than that.

I hated my brother growing up I was really spiteful to him and just hated him there was a years difference I think. Now we are 24 & 25 and very very close. Weirdly enough the brother I didn't clash with we aren't close at all.

going to university changes so much they will probably be great friends in a year or two - especially if the second one also goes away bound to be popping on buses or trains to visit each other - that’s how we were anyway - still the same now great friends - from a distance and for about a week when together then can revert to being teenagers again - 3 of us are in are 30s and one in 40s

I think a big part of it is just having the space away from each other.

I would resent being forced to 'get along' with and spend time with my sister. We have nothing in common, still don't now we're in our 40s, and whilst I don't dislike her, she doesn't like me much (at all really, she hates me because I 'think I'm posh' and don't parent like she does. Everything I do is inherently a criticism of her apparently, in reality I don't even think about her at all!). We can chat quite amicably at family events once a year or so, but don't have much contact otherwise). We ignored each other as teenagers, probably for the best as if forced to be 'friends' we'd probably have killed each other! We're not obliged to be mates just because we share parents.

I'm one of four girls. My mother was the only girl, with five brothers. She could not fathom why we did not get on, when 'all she ever wanted was a sister, and we had three. . .'

I told her 'all I ever wanted was a brother and you had five'.

She said, you don't know what it's like having brothers. I told her you don't know what it's like having sisters!

Personally, I think, while Mum really was acting from the best of motives and intent, she really did nothing but harm when she tried to force us to get along. They're at different times in their life. They need to be polite to each other, respect each other, and that's it. Just because you're siblings, doesn't mean you'll be mates. But if you don't feel forced to, then as you mature, quite often you realise you have some unique things in common, and come together again.