DS and his refusal to socialise with anyone worrying me

[Monr0e]

I posted this in preteens but had no response so I thought I'd ask here as DS is almost 13 and there may be others here who have experienced the same.

DS is 12 and in year 8. He really struggled in year 7, in a school where he knows very few others and it has taken him this long to start to settle and make friends.

He generally feels unpopular at school and apart from the few friends he has made he feels widely unliked. I'm not sure how true this is or if it is low self esteem on his part.

My worry is that he refuses all chances to socialise. When he is invited out he will always say no. He has been invited to a party next weekend but wont go. If friends are meeting up at the local park or going for a bike ride he won't go either, saying he prefers his own company and would rather be home.

I am getting really worried he is cutting himself off from the friends he has and they will stop inviting him. DH feels we should just leave him to it and that he will be fine. Just wondering of others experiences and if I'm being over dramatic. If it matters, he is one of the youngest in his year which is why DH thinks he is just a bit behind his peers emotionally.

I don't think you're being dramatic. Though it's really common they go through a sort of chrysalis stage at this age - not socialising all summer as they hit puberty.

I'd maybe nudge him a bit. DS2 was very like this and I forced him to do a couple of things. He was really reluctant but always had a good time. So if he's invited to a party and says no, say he has to go but you will pick him up after one hour if he's hating it. Explain that even though it's difficult to socialise when you are not in the mood, it's even harder to have friends when you want them if you reject their offers of friendship.
Same with a bike ride. Tell him to go for a ride and that he can always come back after an hour if he needs to.

With DS I just made him sign up for something I knew he liked. Every single term for two years he said he wanted to stop going and every single time he went, he loved it. He is very shy and has social anxiety, so without my prompting he'd still be in his bedroom doing nothing. That club got him out of the house each week and helped him gain a skill at something as well as getting to know some people.

I just want to reassure you Mor0e that my son was very similar to yours at 12 and is a different boy now. My son at 12 really liked his own company and didn't respond in a very friendly way to other children nor seek out much in the way of social situations. I am a very sociable person myself and I could not imagine at all that he was happy. Gradually he was opened up and now enjoys socialising and has made friends. He is almost 15 and a summer birthday so a bit less mature than his peers.. I made myself ill with worry at times. It isn't worth it. I am sure it will work out for your son.

Thank you both so much for your replies.

He does do an activity twice a week that most weeks he would happily miss but we continue to push him to go as he sees one of his closest friends there so we will continue to do so.

I think that's my worry, I can see a long summer holiday stretching ahead of us with him shut away in his room for most of it. It doesn't help that his closest friend at school is a bit of a social butterfly who would go to the opening of an envelope and is always out so I think I am always comparing the two.

It's good to hear there's light on the other side. I know he is struggling with growing up in general and can get very anxious at times.

There's something weird about the summer they turn from 12 to 13. It's almost as if they need that time away from the world to process who they are becoming. My friend's DSs both did this. Hid away for a summer. Then each of my two did - an entire summer seeing almost no one. I think I did it too at that age. The following year they are back out and mixing with the world. And by the time they are 16 or 17 they are barely at home.

That's actually really reassuring thank you

He doesn't turn 13 till the last week of August whereas his friend turns 14 just a couple of weeks after the summer holidays so almost a full year between them

I'm hoping it passes, I hate the thought of him being alone all the time

How does he spend his time ?

He has crossfit twice a week then at weekends we might try and do something as a family if I'm not working.

In the evenings he'll do his homework then play on his xbox. He only has one friend he plays online with.

Hmm I'm sort of in the same boat OP but DS is only 10. He just doesn't like going out, not even put for the day as a family. His sister can't bear being indoors and is out for every single second she's allowed. She usually goes out on her bike with friends, we're lucky to live rurally with lots of great places to ride bikes and climb trees etc, but more recently she's been getting the bus into the nearest town with friends to 'hang out' there (she's 12). But DS won't go out at all if he knows other people will be out. The only exception was when the weather was lovely a few weeks back and all DDs friends had gone in, she asked DS to go out to the park with her and he did because nobody else was there.

When he's indoors he plays with lego a lot, enjoys drawing and writing stories and plays xbox/watches TV for the hour before dinner (slightly more on a weekend). We are waiting on an ASD assessment for him, so this may have something to do with it but I worry about him so much. He's a lovely boy, but really struggles to maintain friendships.

@Monr0e I booked DS onto some summer schools. He didn't want to do them but they got him out of the house and he enjoyed most of them. (Few days sports, few days drama or music etc.)

With those and a few family days out, plus hassling them to hook up with mates at least once in the holiday, they get through it. I think they need a lot of time at that age just to day dream about who they want to become and how to do it.

A bit of a make over towards the end of the holiday, when they've done all that dreaming, is appreciated. New haircut and clothes.