This will be a long post. Though I have great friends, they wouldn't understand what I'm going through, so I'll spill here...
I have 2 daughters who are roughly a year apart. I had my first born at 16. Though I was young, I got my own flat and begun a career in business administration and children's rights training. I loved motherhood! Best of all, I had prospects. There was one problem: there was no career contingency plan for having to go into a womens refuge.
My children's father was extremely violent. He grew up in Britain his whole life without knowing he was illegal. He couldn't work - though he tried. I happened to be falling out of love with him and the combination made him take his frustration out on me. I supported us, a 17 year old, and he felt threatened by it. He tried to kill me the year Nicole Kidman won an Oscar. I thought the last words I would hear was "art is important". I gave up everything and fled. I managed to get rehomed by the time the kids were 4/5. I left when they were babies and we ALL enjoyed their childhood.
The price I had to pay was limited career options/limited money. Their father had found me by now and though he was (thankfully) in a new relationship, he seemed to delight in giving me no money and disrespecting me at every turn. I wonder if this impacted how they saw me. I couldn't shut him out due to my family background, I used manipulation to limit the damage but the kids got something out of it so I accepted it.
My elder daughter is the kind of child you would design. She's a little ditzy, makes jokes that don't land - likes musicals! But, she is simply a person to get along with. My second child is equally gifted but always needed more attention. I sometimes felt bad for my eldest but: different kids, different needs. My youngest had certain characteristics (poor, poor hygiene, no shame, bullying, buying friends) and I did all I could to combat it.
She's the kind of person who is smart in a way that's self injurious. She's cunning and the ultimate revisionist historian. She banged my head off a glass table whilst attempting to throw my phone out of the window - then filmed my reaction of pinning her down. She slammed a door into my face (I'd confiscated her laptop for 2 hours because she wouldn't let anyone in the bathroom for 3 hours and she'd been doing it for days). I repaint the kitchen, she puts graffiti on the wall. She even threw herself downstairs and said that I pushed her. She's done similar to her sister. She's a destructive force. This is just the last couple of months. We've been going through the worst of it for 5/6 years now.
She refuses counselling and manages to successfully portray. me as a mad woman. It's not hard. She knows my youthful look (not humble bragging - looking 25 with an 18 year old kid is actually hell) the associated prejudice works in her favour. I'm also extremely introverted so 'being heard' is a challenge.
She calls me names. Spills tea on the stairs and laughs if I ask her to clean it. I clean her bath daily, my partner does all her dishes. That's the least of it.
She's been given every lesson, since young and she won't comply. I lived a lifetime at 16: I have no family. I'd been as vulnerable as a person could be, and I survived, then thrived. But, she won't listen and I'm heartbroken.
She's an amazing child in many ways who listens to my lessons on how to conduct herself in the world, socially, but not at home. Or college, despite all the support.
She doesn't respect me. Maybe it's hard to have respect for some who doesn't look like a mother. Maybe I focused too much on laughter/experience and not enough on discipline. I gave up a lot for her and she wilfully pretends not to see it.
I can't be bullied or live in fear anymore. Not even for her. I will not have violence and disrespect be my normal; not after my formative years. My life is at stake. I always knew that if I let myself break I'd never come back. There would be too many reasons to stay broken. I'm now the closest I've ever been. Today, she attacked me and then called the police. They advised me to film all interactions so things don't get out of hand. Good advice.
She actually filmed me angrily say that if she ever did that again, she would end up in hospital - I could've been arrested. Not my proudest moment...
She will turn 18 in roughly two weeks... I can no longer live with a malevolent presence in my home that threatens both our safety. I'm beyond devastated. I have to accept she's not receptive to me. She doesn't respect me enough so I have to let her go, for now. I tried what I could, increased my window of tolerance, worked with other professionals. It took her years to stop resenting me because I wasn't rich. I shielded them too much in retrospect. There is so much more to it but I'm so all over the place... Has anyone else had to deal with this?