it all depends how you deliver the message. If it were me ( i have a 17 yo ds.) I would sit him down round the table ( formal setting) and say "look, love you loads - but i would be a rubbish parent if i didn't look out for you and your future. I know ou think its pants. its is! I work and your dad works full time. if i could sit on my arse all day - i would, but i can't becuase thats not how the world works. Now there are things you are going to want. you are going to want a car. you are going to want driving lessons, maybe go out - get drunk - it all takes money. Unfortunatley money doesn't grow on trees - thats why the way it works is that you have to get a job. Its rubbish - but unfortunatley it's how it is. You are a bright lad and i am so very proud of you ( mention some difficult time or other)
we are a family. you are always welcome here and we love you. But i really rally want you to grow into a great person, who has a job, a car, and can get a mortgage one day and who knows maybe in a couple of years you can move into your own place?! Thing is - i will help you. We will ( feel free to alter) give you your bed back, give you your meals. We will pay the electric bill, gas, council tax and we will go to work to afford you your dad and your brother/sister a home.
so lets together work out how we can make this happen.
theres no choice here - you either get a job or go back to college. the job can be tesco, or you can ring around using the phone book. you can contact college and ask them if they will take you back on your apprenticeship and i will back you up with whatever excuse we come up with.
you must be in for 10.30. - this isnt becuase i am a draconian old bitch who hates you - its becuase i know that to do a good days work - you need a good nights sleep.
i will do your washing for you, but i require one third of whatever wage you earn as a contribution leaving you two thirds as disposable income to do with as you please.
so if you only earn 30 quid - i will only take a tenner - f however you earn 90 quid i will take 30.
thats non negotiable.
what is negotiable is weekends. i will take you to see your mum whenever you and her make an arrangement.
at weekends you can stay out until 2am. but i always want you home - doesn't matter what state your in, as long as your in. Tell me what you are doing, where you will be and i will pick you up even at 2am - this is becuase i love you and you are part of this family and i need to know your safe.
( i would add becuase i do pontificate on such occasions) Please understand it from my and your dads Point of view. Its not that we are treating you like a child, its that even when you are 42 you will still be our child.
and if your still here at 42, then the same rules will still apply
i love you. your dad loves you and your brother.sister misses you. we worry about you, we do. we want whats best for you and we are willing to bend over bckwards to make that happen - but we are not willing to do it for you.
imagine you were me. have to get the little one up dressd and out - have to get ready for work, your dad has to et ready for work - and then theres this lad who thinks that he doesn't have to. if you were me - how would you feel?
so thems the rules kid - take em or leave em. youshow me a little bit of willing, respect and trust and i will do everything i can to make your life a wonderful one for the future.
now. you need to look forward to something, so 3 months before your 17th birthday you can apply for a provisional license. get your license, keep a job and i will pay half towards your lessons.
hwos that for a deal?"
end with big hugs - becuase the kid obviously feels displaced - who wouldnt when the mum seems so obvlivious to his needs. it takes a mightier person than the average mum in your situation to be able to put this lad on the right track.
much luck