The dreaded weed again

[Zaor]

Hi All
My DS 16 has been smoking weed for the last year. It has been getting more frequent to the extent its nearly every day now and with the summer holidays just after starting (Ireland) its been starting in the afternoon. I'm really concerned. He has been suspended from school and been bunking off previously to that.

He doesnt see the harm in it and has no desire to give it up. Any time we try to discuss it he gets very angry and storms out.

So far I've tried
Grounding him and taking away wifi, netflix, g3 and it works for a short while but he borrows from friends etc and when we do this the atmosphere is horrible so I've never managed to keep it up longer than 2 weeks.

Hes been to counselling sessions with a substance abuse counsellor. He went along but never really engaged.

I've cut off all access to money months ago although he did have a part time job for a while. This is done now and he has no money but it doesn't seem to have curtailed him. He says that the other lads sub him when he is broke and he returns the favour when he is flush.

I won't do taxi for him and he regularly cycles 8 miles each way to the nearest town

I've stopped doing his washing as his clothes stink and I won't have them near the family clothes.

What I'm wondering is - has anyone successfully gotten their teen off weed and if so how? I'm torn between coming down like a tonne of bricks again and keeping the lines of communication open as advised by the counsellor.

He is starting his senior cycle in school in September and I really want to see him off it by then.

Thanks for any advice...

I am not sure you can stop him, I don't think it is actually possible for one person to control another persons behaviour...

Instead I would wonder how to live with this

Have clear boundaries, let him do own laundry etc, as you are already doing.

Do anything you can to get him focussed on the future, on what he wants to do with his life.

His decisions are not your fault, all you can do is try and encourage him to make his life a success (open days at uni, find out about apprenticeships, work placements etc)

Also maybe try to still have occasional nice moments with him, have a takeaway together, watch telly, ask him how his day was etc.

That's what I would do. But I am not a mega tough disciplinarian, and sometimes feel out of touch with other MN parents ....

I think you’ve done everything I would have done if I were in the same situation. He would be getting zero money from me, I also wouldn’t be transporting him to the places he goes to smoke weed. If he wants to finance his habit he does it by working.

I haven’t managed to get my DS to stop, however the situation is much better since I stopped freaking out and became calmer. I told him I don’t want it in the house; I have repeated that it is because I care about his mental health I don’t want him to. I have shared articles and I have talked about it with him. My DS has adhd, he says it calms him (and it does). I don’t have the right answer yet, but at the moment I feel that accepting it with boundaries is better for us both than trying to ban it unsuccessfully.

Thanks everyone. Yep I don't think I can lock him up and stop him. I'd actually be happy if he would cut down right now. I'm trying to interest him in all sorts of things but anything I suggest is immediately dismissed.

I've just discovered cash in his wallet - I don't know where it came from. I'm worried he is dealing too. I hate that I don't trust him any more and I'm so suspicious.

@Fleetheart - its funny that you say it calms your DS - it actually makes my lad so much more pleasant to be around. Hes like he was before the teenager took over! However I still want him off the stuff

I do try to have the nice moments too - got a take away for the family at the weekend and he wouldn't even eat it in the same room as us.

Thanks for listening - I'll keep trying....

I also rang up Frank and they gave me the details of the local teen drugs support place. They only help someone if they want help, and my DS does not think there is a problem. However, he did have a session with the advisor there today. I don’t know what happened, but am hoping it will be some non-emotional education about the real dangers of drugs and it may sink in. Fingers crossed. It does my head in; I hate that smell. But actually it does calm him and allow him to be funny again.

If he is dealing, there may be a bigger problem. It makes them vulnerable to dealing in other products, and more likely to move on to them themselves, IMO. Not that I have firm evidence for this, but anecdotally I have.

I agree Ask Frank May be able to advise further, also there may be a local drug advice centre, or the GP practice may know of services locally.