Verbally abusive teen

[Storminateacup74]

So which is the best way to deal with a teen when they are verbally abusive towards you......when my dd gets really stressed or annoyed she takes it out on me I get a barrage of abuse. It started off as less offensive words but the words are getting more offensive now... she always apologises and I know that she doesn't mean what she says so I tend to just walk away and not rise or react which genetally works as 15 mins later when she is calm she will apologise and we forget about it and move on BUT there is no consequence for this abuse. My cousin works within teen mental health and he says by rising and reacting too it you are giving her the chance to fight back which is what she wants and then the whole thing can get blown out of all.proportion and both sides can say or do something they didn't really want to do. However yesterday when her homework had gone wrong and I was her verbal.punchbag a friend of ours was downstairs with my husband and heard it all he was complety shocked and his wife a good friend of mine called me today as she is very concerned about the way she talks to me - their kids are only small and they say that if their kids speak to them like that when they are teenagers their life will not be worth living- I probably said that when my kids were 7!!! Generally she is a really good kid a perfect student and so hardworking and I have nothing but positive comments on what a lovely girl she is BUT she takes her stress at being this perfect role model out on me. In a way because I know she doesn't mean it I am willing to take this abuse because I would rather have it than school or her friends. She knows it is unacceptable and few years ago when she was going through a stage of bad behaviour she actually said to me I know I can be naughty as you love me and you won't chuck me out!! However abusive she is I would never ever tell her to get out!! She does have friends whose parents with any sign of bad behaviour chuck their kids out and tell them not to come home until they can behave and these kids end up out all night. I really don't know how to approach this!

This is where you’re doing it wrong I’m afraid, there’s no consequences for her abuse, she apologises and is all fine again until next time. I would sit her down when she’s in a good mood and explain to her that if she’s not controlling her mouth from now on there’ll be consequences , you explain her exactly what will happen and you MUST follow it through . I’ll “hit” her where it hurts her the most : phone, wi-fi , money etc , whatever she’s into or she likes doing the most.
Good luck 👍

My children are young adults now, but I would never have tolerated either of them speaking to me like that. Not once. I would tell her very calmly that the next time she kicks off, she should be prepared for the consequences. You need to put an end to this immediately.

Me too. If you have a way to control her phone, how about shutting it down for an hour, maybe after a warning? It feels unacceptable to let them hurl abuse without consequences.

I have two teen sons and neither of them would dare to speak to me like this. She clearly can control it otherwise school would be ringing you. She chooses to speak to you this way.

You need to tell her you are not going to tolerate this anymore and she needs to stop herself before she starts ranting at you. I would tell her it is a sign of immaturity to not be able to stop being verbally abusive and remind her it is fine to feel angry/frustrated but not to talk to you that way. It is the same way you tell a toddler they cannot throw things across the room.

I would have the conversation when she is calm and as soon as possible. You may want to tell her that if this was a relationship ie a boyfriend you would have kicked her to the curb by now. That this is no way to communicate.

Consequences are what matters most to her. Phone/wifi/lifts/money.

She clearly can control it otherwise school would be ringing you. She chooses to speak to you this way.

That’s not how human relationship works is it? It’s the intimacy between the mother and daughter that allows the daughter to show herself warts and all. Less authentic relationships get to see less of her.
I’m not condoning her behaviour btw.

The problem is that if she gets used to exploding like that and then calming down will she do that her whole life? She needs better ways to cope. She cant start screaming abuse at friends/boyfriends / her own children / co workers / managers if she is stressed in life. Maybe exercise of some sort, running, or a martial art can be a good way of getting rid of stress, or some kind of meditation type thing.

She shouldn't be using you as her verbal punchbag. She needs to find other coping strategies. Who is going to take your place? You're hardly setting her up for a happy life by letting her think verbally abusing the person she loves most is normal or acceptable behaviour. Most people wouldn't put up with it. It can't be doing you much good either. You must change this as soon as you can for both your sakes.

I agree with PP's that she needs to learn different, healthier ways to deal with frustration. She must be able to feel the rise of her temper - SHE needs to learn to take HERSELF away, maybe for a walk, a run, a workout, a bath - something that gets the energy out in a way that does not involve verbally abusing another human being.

If she does that - positive reinforcement - well done for self managing there. Here, have a cuppa and a chat. Talk to me about it (as opposed to abusing me for it!)

If she doesn't - consequences. Whether that's missing out going into town with her friends, losing her phone, losing wi-fi and devices - whatever is really going to drive the point home that she does NOT get to treat anyone, least of all her mother, like this without suffering some blowback.

Thanks for all your replies. Just so hard to know how to play it. She is a good girl most of the time and I am generally fairly strict and she is really good at following the rules but she wants to be perfect in everything she does and is a real people pleaser so when things go wrong she takes it out on me. My cousin is always banging on to me about teen mental health and how they need to let it out with
Someone they feel safe with rather than keeping their emotions bottled up so I mustn't get cross or punish her as I am her release and she doesn't actually mean it . When she was little there would have been a consequence for speaking to me like that- used to he no sweets on a Friday- so I know deep down I should discipline her but there seems to be so many different schools of thought and I thought asking on this board with answers from actual parents of teenagers, rather than a mental health youth specialist (but with no kids of his own), or a lovely couple of friends but no experience of the teenage years.

My son is autistic and she does have to put up with alot but lately I have been making sure to do stuff with her and make sure she feels loved. We have used some money we were left by an elderly relative to put in for her to do an expensive hobby so she gets time away from her brother and also doing something she has always wanted to do but we have never before had the financial means to do it. She can be so nice and is a joy to be around but sometimes she just lets rip. Her top thing at the moment is having friends round after school so i think if there has been any bad language the night before then I will stop this. I love the fact that she would never dare break a curfew or go anywhere other than where she says and she can be trusted to do anything I ask but it is just the language that comes out of her mout sometimes!

I'm sorry, but there is a difference between your daughter letting off steam, and verbally abusing you. It's okay for her to come home and vent to you about how Miss was absolutely horrible and unreasonable in English et al, it's not okay to verbally abuse you. It sounds like she is crossing this line.

It is not going to mentally scar your child to be very firmly told that the way she is speaking to you is unacceptable, you will not tolerate it, she needs to take herself off until she can come and talk about what's on her mind without taking it out on you. (Well if it does, then mine are going to make a psychotherapist very rich one day).

You are teaching her, in accepting this, that she is allowed to treat people like this without consequences. And that's not the reality. Imagine her in her relationships, berating her partner like this? Would that be okay? Would they be likely to stand for it? Should they? So what impact is having learned this behaviour likely to have on her future relationships - and mental health?!

That sounds a really good consequence for it, to me.