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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Negative teen driving me mad

7 replies

MerryMarigold · 05/06/2019 09:12

Ds1 is 13. He was probably the happiest most engaging child you've ever met, but it changed when he went to school and has got progressively worse. He's had difficult times with friendships over the years and is super sensitive. I also suspect very mild asd, bit nothing which would get a diagnosis, just socially awkward, controlling/ difficult with food and lacking in spatial awareness/ sensitivity (even the dog doesn't like him as he's always bothering her but does nothing for her eg. Food it walk). So he's always been difficult compared to my younger 2, but recently the negativity is out of hand.

He constantly compares himself to anyone and everyone, but obviously only compares how he is worse off, never better off. He moans about everything. Nothing is right, from the cereal bought to the very nice phone he bought and chose himself. Mornings are the worst. I'm torn between sympathy for what could be depression and thinking it's just normal, it'll pass. It's really affecting me though. I'm staying to dislike bring around him, which I'm sure he'll sense and the constant depressive attitude is making me depressed. I don't know what to do, because I'm finding it hard. I don't know how it what to do be for him. I don't want to acknowledge every problem as 'real' but at the same time I don't want to squash all the issues. Do ignore? Correct? Listen and acknowledge?

OP posts:
FleetwoodStorms · 05/06/2019 09:21

I'm just place marking because the other day I promised (on another thread) to post some links to some R4 programmes on the teenage brain which might be a good place to start understanding why your DS thinks this way.

Can't link on my phone so will do it after work.

Does your DS have a hobby/sport he can immerse himself in?

SnuggyBuggy · 05/06/2019 09:24

I think it's normal to an extent as a teenager. I'd just insist he behaves reasonably respectfully towards yourself and other members of the family. I wouldn't ignore his issues but I wouldn't get involved in catastrophizing anything, teens are pretty good at that.

MerryMarigold · 05/06/2019 10:36

Thanks both. The teenage brain would be great. I know I was a pretty awful teen. No, be doesn't have hobbies other than Xbox, which I do limit (another huge issue). He plays the guitar learning for nearly 2 years now and just beginning to enjoy it more. He is not sporty and not particularly academic. He just doesn't want to engage with much nectar be finds most things difficult and then gives up. I really pushed the electric guitar because I think he's actually quite musical. He doesn't go out. He doesn't want to walk the dog, because he didn't want her. I feel a bit like when he was in Reception and I had no idea why he was so unhappy, I just knew he was and his behaviour was awful. I realise some things with hindsight, particularly when my twins hit that age and it was fine. I realised he fits have issues but I don't know what they are. We've had a few investigations and eventually an ADHD diagnosis but he's not really ADHD at all. It doesn't help that his little brother is v talented at football and schoolwork plus v popular. I've kept ds2 away from music just so ds1 has something . Dd is more like ds1 in character but without the school or friendship struggles, so she's fine.

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Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 05/06/2019 10:44

I had a DD like this up until about 4 months ago. Her negativity was due to a massive trauma though, which she is still in counselling for. No real advice for you I'm sorry, but I did find that I started to really dislike her. She was an angry tween...at everybody and everything. Eventually I started to minimise the dramas. I never fed into them, unless they warranted it. Counselling has helped her massively, but as I said, she's in it for another reason, so counselling might not be the right way for you to go with ur DS. Have you sat him down and asked him why he feels everything is so bad and unfair?

FictionalCharacter · 05/06/2019 10:51

One of my dc has depression and anxiety and is very negative a lot of the time. I agree with not allowing them to make everything an issue. Indulging every moan doesn't help them - they need to learn to get on with life despite their feelings. Don't like the cereal? Oh dear, well it's what we've got, we'll get something else next time. Then move on.

I wouldn't keep ds2 away from music just to reserve it for ds1. That wouldn't be fair on ds2 if he was interested in it. It's not like ds2 would be taking anything away from ds1, who gains nothing from his brother being deprived of it.

It's exhausting I know Flowers

FictionalCharacter · 05/06/2019 10:55

Also, what Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername said! Encourage them to distinguish between real problems and non-issues. Recognising their own faulty thinking is part of learning to cope.

MerryMarigold · 05/06/2019 12:32

I struggle to identify what's important or not, especially when it comes to phones or technology.

I'm depriving ds2 of music because I don't want him to fly at that too. Maybe it's not fair but ds2 has plenty on with his social life and sport.

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