Homework battles

[smallchanceofrain]

I'm sure I can't be the only one struggling with getting a teenager to do homework, or in fact to do anything.

DS is 13, nearly 14. He's only ever completed homework at the last minute and with minimal effort but in the last few weeks he's just refused to do any at all.

He either says he doesn't understand it or he just point blank refuses to do it, telling me that he's lazy and he doesn't care. He won't accept help. He doesn't respond to sanctions (no x-box, no phone etc) or incentives. He just gets angry, aggressive and verbally abusive.

I've emailed his head of year and form teacher to let them know there's a problem but they haven't got back to me. I need to chase them up.

I'm now at the stage where I've just given up battling with him. If he won't do it I walk away rather than get into a confrontation.

Where am I going wrong? Is there anything else I could try? Any advice will be gratefully accepted.

Honestly, I really wouldn't get involved, let them get a few detentions. Dont turn yourself into the bad guy

Yes, I’m here. Ds is in Year 10. ASD; refuses to do homework. Us, school, SENDCO are all at our wits end with him.

Detentions have no effect, he actually enjoys them.

With ds(15) at that age if he didn't know how to do I would offer to help and ask him to explain it to me and try to prompt him to remember by asking questions or guiding him towards the revision books he has. If he still didn't know we would use the Internet to try to find the problem.

We don't sanction as such, no arguments, he just knows he needs to do 1-1.5hrs homework/revision each day and isn't allowed on his ps4 or phone until it is done and he's learned he's quicker trying to do himself using his notes, books or Internet than try to explain to me!

If this was Ds and he said he's lazy and doesnt care I'd be more worried he is struggling, overwhelmed with the number of subjects, or has other concerns about school and try to work out with him how to support him. Will he talk to you calmly about it if you go out for something to eat or a drive?

One of ds's friends is refusing to do homework because he is fed up finding it hard and his low marks being read out in class, she found out he'd rather be labelled lazy and told off for not handing homework in than have the embarrassment of a mediocre mark. His mum is finding it hard, but he needs support rather than punishment. She is trying to get him to focus on the main subjects he thinks he needs for his career choice - English, maths, PE and biology first, and try to raise his confidence there.

When this happened with our son, adhd and odd we were told that it is a school problem and let them deal with it - he had several detentions including litter duty etc and came round to the idea that he could just get it done - they said we needed to be good cop and they play bad cop - they needed to motivate him not us - good luck x

Many thanks for the replies. I'm hoping that school will step in, although so far they don't seem to have noticed that there's a problem. He should have had three codes for not doing homework already this week but hasn't had any.

If he was coasting but generally doing okay I wouldn't be so bothered but I think he's struggling and needs extra help. He just won't talk to me about it. When I try to talk to him he just gets angry and stomps off to his room. That might be partly hormone related as he's suddenly hit puberty. You can almost smell the testosterone!

It sounds like I need to tackle school first, rather than set myself up as the enemy.

Comefromaway - DS has an ASD/Aspergers diagnosis but no extra support at school. He didn't meet the threshold for a statutory assessment. It's very frustrating as I have no idea how many of his struggles relate to his diagnosis.

Very few these days meet the incredibly high thresholds for an EHCP. But we have a school who cares and a SENCO who, whilst run off her feet does her best.

It’s quite common in children with an asd for them to have a big distinction between school and home and the two shouldn’t meet. Eg schoolwork should not be done at home.

Omg,thank god I've found this thread! My ds is a bit younger,almost 13 but we have exactly the same problem and he also has an Aspergers diagnosis and also falls under the threshold for an EHCP because he is technically above average in every subject. His passion is music and is considered to be gifted in it but that hasn't helped at all. School will not allow him to do more music in school. However,that's another topic entirely. I have asked the Senco many,many times to talk to the subject teachers to get them to differentiate the homework or set less. Ds is one of 3 boys in his form alone with Aspergers. I'm dreading him going into Year 9 and beyond. Schools need to be so much more on board with how homework for some kids is pointless. Sorry to hijack!!

My ds's passion is music too. He's counting the days before he can leave school and do a full time Btec music course. he spends every spare hour composing and playing and transcribing or listening to Adam Neely music theory podcasts.

What I have found helps slightly is to research post 16 and even university level music courses (ds didn't realise he could study music full time), show him the requirements and the typical grades universities want in order to try and motivate him in other subjects a bit.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one. I wish my DS had a passion for something other than dinosaurs and steam trains. He's amazing at music but has no passion for it. He plays guitar (acoustic and electric), cello and piano. Not something I have pushed him to do, he just wanted to learn. He doesn't practice at all. We'd have the same battles about music practice as we do about homework so I let him do his own thing. He simply picks up a new piece of music and nails it.

I'm working up the courage to ask for an appointment at school to talk to them about homework. He hasn't completed any for nearly a month and they don't seem to have noticed!