my teen is starting to copy my abusive ex's behaviours

[disneyspendingmoney]

I dunno where to start with this.

Last year I came out of an emotionally, financially abusive relationship with a narcissistic chronic alcoholic manipulator, that was only due to police and social services intervention and with the help of support groups, I've worked through the fact I was co-dependent. BTW I'm a man, social services and the courts agreed ex could only have minimal contact with dcs

I find now that my 13yo dd is starting to use the same techniques and behaviours that my ex used and I'm finding it difficult to deal with, because I don't want to handle it badly as I did with my ex and make things worse.

I've did parenting classes and I'm trying to follow it to be a role model for change.

I understand the stresses dd is under, she's being bullied and body shamed by her class mates, she gets snarked at for her home situation being brought up by a single parent dad and she gets taunted about what happened with ex.

All of which I try hard to help her with. I can't ask my ex for help because she encourages this behaviour towards me during contact and still maintains that the reports from the police, children's protection, cafcass and the medical (GP, CAMHS, Pychiatric and addiction services) reports as fabrication.

I'm now at a loss what to do, as it's so like my ex's behaviour I'm worried that I will end up feeling the same way about DD as I do about my ex I try to exercise compassion towards my ex for how she is but after any contact with her I realise I'm wasting my time and it's better to be NC.

It came to a head yesterday with DD and I had to walk away feeling that I've been here before with what was being said and done. But I recognise I could be hypersensitive to this.

Any ideas about what I should do? To stop this getting out of hand further, any books or advice so I can get some insight to change this?

Can you give some examples of what DD is doing ?

It came to a head yesterday with DD and I had to walk away

Well, walking away to give yourself and DD time to calm down can be an effective parenting strategy for aggressive kids.

What are the school doing about the bullying and body shaming and taunting? That needs to be stopped. It sounds as if your DD is suffering terribly and it's no wonder she is taking it out on you, that's what kids do to their "safe" parent when they are having a terrible time.

Is your DD getting help, e.g. from CAMHS, or from a school counsellor, to process what's happened with her mother and what's been happening now? And are you getting any kind of therapy or counselling or family therapy yourself to deal with the after-effects of the abusive relationship on you (and her)? Because one of the effects might be that you and DD start falling into roles from your previous relationship. So instead of being able to respond to her disturbed behaviour as parent/child you're responding as victim/abuser.

It's great that you did the parenting class. Do they have any continuing support to help you keep going and stay strong in what must be a really tough situation?

I'm in the process of trying to get DD I to a better school, her current one is at the lowest Ofstedad grade and will probably be special measures soon.

The pastoral head, from both my discussions with her and from what DD gas said us pretty much into bullying and body shaming to. All my complaints have done have resulted in DD being left I a room with her bullies to discuss it.

DD sees gp regularly while we wait on the CAHMS referal.

AmaryllisNightAndDay you've correctly identified two if my worries that are at the back of my mind the first being is that we're replicating our previous family dynamic and that she was in the receiving end of it as well.

DD gas already had a lot if ciubcrllibg and really doesn't want any more.

I'm hoping that by a change to a new school, will alter things.

Basically she's just lashing out at this moment and I do t want to make things worse for her by handling things badly because I'm pretty much worn out