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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Worried about 13 year olds lack of social life!

15 replies

TillyTots1234 · 30/05/2019 13:06

Hi,
My son has recently turned 13, he never contacts friends or makes arrangements to go out with anyone. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find activities to do to fit in with my son and his two younger siblings because quite often he complains that he’s bored. I thought as this age he’d be gradually pulling away and wanting to spend time with friends but I don’t actually know if he has many friends, although he says he has. A few of my friends with children of a similar age quite often spend time socialising at weekends or in the holidays, so I’m feeling we need to help him find his feet socially a bit more. I’m going to enquire so he can join a football club because he enjoys playing football in the garden but I’m really thinking that he should be doing more, rather than relying on spending all his time with his younger siblings and myself.

Thanks!

OP posts:
sleepismysuperpower1 · 30/05/2019 15:04

where are you based OP? maybe look for a youth group near you?

MrsBlondie · 30/05/2019 18:25

Can you organise a few things? Over school holidays a few of us mums have a whatsapp group. We message around and this week some of the boys went swimming and tomorrow bowling. If we didn't organise they'd just be on consoles all week.

MrsBlondie · 30/05/2019 18:26

My son is 13.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 01/06/2019 16:25

Depends where you live and where his friends from school live etc. By 13 they are usually able organise themselves socially. All kids are different I have a 15 year old DS who will go off out with someone if someone else does all the messaging and organising but he will never initiate something. Often he his quite happy talking to school friends who live further away on the XBOX. He goes to a school much further away than most of the local kids here so his friends are spread far and wide. I am not too bothered as I know he has friends and I am happy he still likes to spend some time with us. Other boys from his old primary school are out all the time hanging around street corners after dark vaping and some are rumoured to be taking ketamine and drinking so at least I know where he is.

gegs73 · 01/06/2019 16:36

I would say this is very normal for 13 year old boys. At this age, it seems some boys like to be out all the time and many others prefer to be at home. Is he happy being at home with his family rather than friends? DS1 was like this at 13 and to a lesser extent now at 15. After much stress, we decided that he liked hanging out with us and went with it. He was perfectly happy. As he has got older he does go out more, but I think he is generally a homebody person. Likes his own company and doing his own thing and we feel quite honoured that he likes spending time with us. You could look into activities for him if you are worried. DS1 did football, tennis, youth club and swimming at that age. If he will do it, Scouts etc are also good. All the boys I know with Playstation/XBox communicate/socialise a lot through playing games together so you could try that too.

SoonerthanIthought · 01/06/2019 21:38

"A few of my friends with children of a similar age quite often spend time socialising at weekends or in the holidays, so I’m feeling we need to help him find his feet socially a bit more."

I think this is a really key thing - that because some dteens are very social it can often feel as though there is something wrong for the ones who aren't! But there isn't - as other pp have said, some dc are just less into going out. But our society tends to 'value' the idea of a great social life (though maybe the reality is different) - and it can certainly be a source of parental conversation! If your ds is miserable or bored that's different of course.

I would pursue the football team thing because it can be great for a dteen to have a sporting interest, but not necessarily in the hope that it will open up a social life - more for its own sake.

LadyBrienneofTarth · 01/06/2019 21:49

experts bought in to our high school advised parents to encourage kids have at least two interests outside school so I would encourage the sport option and youth group option - or sport and something else that he actually is interested in so he wants to go - music or some other hobby

The idea of more than one interest is so if one thing goes wrong (is. Issue with friends) then there are other social settings where the teen can feel accepted and included and of value

LadyBrienneofTarth · 01/06/2019 22:10

Also my son was exactly the same at 13 - he actually said he didn't want people over at the house as he had to put up with everyone all day at school and home was his own space (which I completely understood - don't think there is anything wrong with this)

I don't think you can push socialization - just provide options and he'll take them if he wants to

My son at 16 has a few friends now through sport - but he still treats home as his castle

Bluemama46 · 08/06/2019 13:00

I feel you, my dd13 is the same. She seems to favour the quality of her time out with pals than the quantity of times she is out with pals but it really worries me (to the point my anxiety is through the roof).

I think as long as they are happy there is not much we can do. Some kids just need the comfort of their own space to recharge physically and emotionally more than otherd. Quiet by Susan cain is a good book to read.

I try to make sure that even if she isn't going out, she is still in regular contact with her friends and I try not to pander to her in the hopes that if she's really bored she will take the initiative and go out with friends. It's hard though.

BackforGood · 08/06/2019 21:29

I think it is very normal for this age. They are too old for their parents to be fussing around, organising their social life for them, but most haven't yet developed the organisational skills to sort things out for themselves.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 08/06/2019 21:38

I don't think its abnormal, but if he chooses to mooch around at home, then he doesn't get to complain about being bored. Every time he does that, suggest he arranges something with his friends.

Let him know you will support the football, but don't push it too much because at this age it needs to come from them. Ditto for guitar lessons or coding or climbing or whatever he's into.

BlueJag · 08/06/2019 22:50

We have a 13 year old homebody. Only child. I still arrange things for him. If he wants to see somebody he'll normally ask for me to arrange with their Mum's.
I'm happy to have his friends around or he plays online.
He never asks to go on his own. We do spend a lot of time together.
I guess some kids are happy being at home.

BlueJag · 08/06/2019 22:54

Our ds does play the piano. Has lessons twice a week. He did 7 years of karate he stopped after he got his black belt. He was tired. He decided to start again in September. Extra curricular activities are excellent. Maybe try the scouts? Or whatever he enjoys.

Maemae06 · 08/06/2019 23:09

My daughter nearly 13 is the same.i really worry because i would rather her out than being in her bedroom on her phone.she actually gets funny if i suggest her doing anything or friends coming over which i find worrying too!i really think social media is making our kids unable to socialize!!!!!

LadyBrienneofTarth · 09/06/2019 00:11

You have to enforce rules around screens and social media - it's like kiddy heroin the dopamine hit they get from the posts and likes etc - as much as they hate it, you have to enforce boundaries - they do thank you for it even if they never tell you

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