It's all fallen apart.....

[Justnotsureanymore]

Having cared for my lovely but very difficult Mum for a couple of years, she passed away 9 months ago. The worst bits were trying to protect her interests from my sister (I kind of failed dismally here), trying to care for my daughter at the same time (I'm a single Mum- no boyfriend, family nearby and only a couple of friends) whilst trying to help repair her relationship with my Mum before she died- Mum could be really difficult as asides the illness that killed her, in my opinion she was also very unwell in terms of mental health.

Needless to say it's all gone wrong and just at the time that the teenage years have raised their ugly head. My dd is/ was lovely, top of the class, funny, engaging (abiet only when I had time or energy). Since Mum died it's all changed, she is constantly rude, lazy and unhelpfull (nothing unusual her for teenagers) but theres been 3 big instances of solvent abuse- (which I have just worked out) resulting in massive nosebleeds from her eyes, ears and nose that go on for hours so lots of trips to A&E and calls to collect her from school (she loves the attention). There have been instances of her sending nudes on the internet, plus trying to solicit nudes from others (she is tech savvy and has learnt to bypass all the safeguards on the computer) There has been lots of petty theft and lies, lies, lies galore.

In my Mums final days, I sent dd away to summercamp- she had a genuine faint but then decided to fake several others (due to the attention) so I had to leave my Mums bedside to collect her (600 mile round trip and a small fortune in train fares etc), she collapsed on the journey home, an ambulance was called, the staff had to take me aside and explain she was faking it, something that the consultant confirmed when she was seen by him. I lost the last bit of time with my Mum due to her actions.

All I hear now is that she has a rubbish life, nothing I give her is good enough, and any attempt at days out are ruined by her being unkind, demanding or just plain rude. So far I've taken away her phone (been a month now), have banned her from using the pc, I've confiscated all the 'awful stuff' that she's been given as she doesn't appreciate or look after it. Yesterday my best moment (and I mean best moment from the bottom of my heart) was clouting her across the back of the head at the breakfast table, which she reported me to the school for, resulting in ss visiting that evening. I've told her she's not going on the school trip next week as she doesn't deserve it.

In short I am at rock bottom/ my wits end. I am not violent or unkind, I have done my absolute best to bring her up as best I can with around 4 years spent heating or eating when things were at their worst. I'm self employed, and since Mum died all I've been able to manage id going ito work, loosing time, doing nothing then coming home. To try to break this I've signed off work but I can't get started, all I do is dread 4pm when my dd comes home.

This isn't sustainable, please can anyone help me out of this? Not just the falling apart of my relationship with my ds, everything else seems to have slid from under my feet and I feel like I'm at breaking point. Apologies for any grammar or spelling mistakes, I can hardly think or see the screen for crying.

I think you are both grieving in different ways, but hitting her @Justnotsureanymore ?

Please go speak to your GP, allow your daughter the freedom she needs to express her grief as well. Take ang help or advice you are given. Sending you a big online hug.

My dd did not like her grandmother very much and has few positive memories of her, I don't believe that her behaviour is caused by grief. As you can imagine, I included that I had hit her (and derived great pleasure from it) in my post as this is not acceptable, nor in character for me. Prior to this she was last smacked for repeatedly walking out into the road at oncoming cars when she was 3! The doctors can't really help as I seem to be one of those folk that undergoes personality change for the worst if perscribed antidepressants, and I'm not prepared to risk it. The grief is onething, the behaviour of my ds is another. I am completely stuck as to what to do to improve things

Hi sorry your having a hard time.
Read the thread holding onto the rope. Loads of advice on it.

Thank you for that, it's a beautiful read, and it was with those thoughts in mind that I posted asking for help.

Solvent abuse is v obvs not good. And that is just what you know about.

Have you tried to get her help through the GP, like a CAMHS referal? Maybe try Catch 22? Were social services able to offer you any help or advice? Or school?

I have been through a rough time recently with DS and I literally begged anyone and everyone for help. Most ignored me. My GP however, probably saved my life and got him referred to a phsych who put him on meds. But, it ain't over for us yet by a long shot.

Don't rule out all ADs for yourself, sometimes it takes trial and error to find the one that works.

This is verging on the blindingly obvious I know, but have you asked her what she hoped to achieve with the behaviour like the faking?

The school are working with her (she is their star pupil so they really want to help). Social services turned up and lectured her about about sending nudes- she stopped listening 2 mins into the lecture and the woman that came was pretty unhelpful with anything else.

I think the attention thing comes from me being a single Mum that set up a business when she was 3, I had no support or childcare at the time, so had to try to split my time between the two, which never worked very well on either side. My Mum moved from France 6 years ago to 'help', but not only was she unwell with cancer, she was also unwell in other ways and 'help' turned into her competing for me agianst my dd. Although she did childmind for me, she was awful to dd and when I became estranged from my sister (lots of drugs, abusive and twice phyically used hurting dd to get to me) my dm used dd in awful ways as collateral to try to make me play happy familiies for her.

I struggled to make it work as my dm had always been unwell in this way and I know why, I'd been quite good at managing her behaviour in the past but the close proximity and regularity of it all, it just seeped in more and more.

I have a doctors appointment next week for her and I but its with a doctor I've never heard of and fitting it all in that 10 min appointment, I know isn't going to end well.

I don't mind hearing the blindingly obvious- myhead is full of blindingly obvious things to do, but none are joining up, and quite a few are impossible cos of our situation. Its a bit like not seeing the wood for the trees, and cos your eyes have been burnt out too!

I am just so stuck, I feel like I have this great opportunity to rebuild our lives and start afresh but no tools, or support to move. Given my state of mind I'm worried if I do the wrong thing it'll be impossible to undo it. We do actually have a really good relationship, we talk and are close, but her behaviours are corrosive at the moment and even without them I feel that I am about to crack up, must be a poor mother who is damaging their child etc etc.

I don't think that there are abolutes here with regards to doing something that can't be undone. In my experience, managing to create any sort of change takes huge efforts. In the end I just had to keep asking what he expected or wanted me to do to help, and whether if I did it he would cooperate? He told me he would cooperate with Catch 22 on the drugs misuse, but then told them he was fine.

Because these are bright kids, they are quite good at masking, and knowing how to give outsiders the answers they are looking for.

My DM and I have also had a strained relationship, and when she had a stroke 2 years ago was pretty much the time that DS started to unravel.