Won't shower or get hair cut

[buickmackane]

My DS2 is 14 and will never shower without a full blown argument. His reason is that he doesn't like it when his (shoulder length) hair is "fluffy". I blow dry it straight to keep it sleek. He chooses to let his hair grow and not get it cut because he says it makes him anxious to have it cut. I'm fine with him having it as long as he likes, but not greasy and plastered to his head! We're going round in circles.

I offered to take him to the cinema today but said he had to shower first. I honestly don't know how long it's been since he showered as I was trying not to argue and see if he would do it himself. Well, we've had tears, yelling, sulking, the works! He's finally got in it now but very begrudgingly and I bet he'll sulk for the rest of the day . Help me, please!

Maybe get hair chemically straightened?
If it causes him that much appearance anxiety, it might be worth it for guaranteeing regular showering

However, is the anxiety linked to something deeper - would counselling help?

Are any of his friends similar or do any of them comment?

Would he prefer a bath in the evening?
Could he dry his hair himself, or use straighteners? My DSs have a hairdryer each now, I got fed up with morning rows about whose turn it was first.

What does he mean by 'fluffy'? Has he got curly hair, or does it just frizz?

Does he use a decent conditioner? Something like FrizzEase might work?

Rub a tissue on his hair and get him to smell it!

I have a 12 year old like that, ASD is the root of our problem, he doesn’t like his mop cut, or showering, he has agreed to do it days he has PE and Sunday, he won’t wash his hair every week, he will let me wash his hair when I tell him it’s too grungy. I know people probably think I’m wrong but as long as he doesn’t smell, he will wash when I tell him, he isn’t sensitive to being told you smell, go wash.

Maybe a reward system? Doesn’t have to cost money but when he does it he gets to spend time with you doing something he enjoys. Like a board game, computer game or you watch something together?