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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s mother

15 replies

chachagabor · 27/05/2019 22:30

Not sure how best to help 18 yo DD who has been in relationship for 2 years with delightful young man of similar age . Both very fond of each other— but his mother is somewhat overbearing and this is starting to impact on the relationship. DD wants to act as the young adult she is , he is reluctant to step into the new.. be it driving/ festivals etc . I think not because of his apprehension but because of subtle restrictions put on him by his mother. He is an only child. Sensitive nature/ thoughtful . Smarter than Mum.
My DD doesn’t want to address his mother being ‘an issue ‘ with him but she is increasingly becoming one . She is also afraid that if she mentions nothing , he will think he is the problem. Not the case. She fears that Mum is driving a wedge between them, and is afraid of losing her son - to adulthood and possibly to her.
Any ideas on how she can best manage this... I do not wish to be over involved here— just wondering about helpful suggestions for her .

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 28/05/2019 07:41

I think that she sounds too serious really. She's only 18....these sort of issues shouldn't arise at her age. If he won't do things because his Mother doesn't like it, well that's entirely up to him at this age. They don't share a mortgage and children so the relationship can only move as far as he's willing to let it in terms of what he's willing to participate in.

IF DD feels he's a bit of a Mummy's boy then she should step back from the relationship.

Drogosnextwife · 28/05/2019 07:45

I'm not sire what you mean. Maybe he uses his mum as an excuse because he doesn't want to do these things. Some people aren't ready for driving at that age 🤷‍♀️, maybe he just doesn't like festivals.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2019 07:53

She needs to chill out a bit. They're 18. She's not planning her MIL for life.

However, if he is an all round mummy's boy then that's unlikely to change in my experience.

She might want to have a chat with him about festivals etc. It might be that between 16 and 18 they've grown apart.

Heptapod · 28/05/2019 08:02

I agree with pps. Waaay too much too young. They’re kids. She doesn’t get to dictate the pace at which he does things she wants him to do, or his relationship with his mother. Wouldn’t it make more sense all round if she broke up with him and found someone who suited her better?

Original poster
chachagabor · 28/05/2019 08:11

I suspect her confidence and maturity level has grown more than his . And she has seen and done more things too, which helps.
I suspect he is a bit of a mummy’s boy and this probably won’t change.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 28/05/2019 08:12

DD wants to act as the young adult she is , he is reluctant to step into the new.. be it driving/ festivals etc . I think not because of his apprehension but because of subtle restrictions put on him by his mother

She is at a different stage, perhaps they will always have different outlooks. I know one boy who didn't drive til much later than 28 and was absolutely nothing directly to do with his mum, he just took longer to mature and that is very common.

Might be best if there is no judgement over his mums intelligence as that will cause him, rightly, to pull away from your daughter and you.
Your dd needs to learn that she can't change people, they are what they are. Either she likes him enough or she is frustrated so leaves.

lifebegins50 · 28/05/2019 08:16

Is also a little ironic that you want to "advise" your daughter but his mum can't "advise" him.

I don't mean to be harsh but it is best to encourage her to accept him as he is. That is the best life lesson as she is not a life coach or therapist.

newjobnerves · 28/05/2019 08:17

Firstly- it's bloody difficult to read most of your post with it scored out.

Secondly- you're calling him a mummy's boy and yet your DD is feeding back her relationship problems to you and you're posting them on here? There's a double standard going on here, either you expect your DD to maintain this relationship with you and the BF to sever it with his mum, or your DD is not showing the maturity you think she is by running to you and not addressing her concerns with him.

Let them be kids and work it out for themselves, DH and I have been together from 17, it isn't easy but you have to grow up and learn from your mistakes together.

And for heaven's sake stop referring to an 18 year old as a mummy's boy.

lifebegins50 · 28/05/2019 08:17

Meant 18, not 28

HennyPennyHorror · 28/05/2019 08:26

NewJob What do you mean "scored out"? I can't see any issues with OP's post at all.

Original poster
chachagabor · 28/05/2019 08:27

@lifebeginsat50 - many thanks. I agree and appreciate your comments.
@newjobnerves - I’m sorry— it doesn’t look scored out on my post. I only used the phrase ‘mummy’s boy’ as it was used by someone else in reply. But I appreciate the comment on double standards.

OP posts:
Grandadwasthatyou · 28/05/2019 08:29

New job...most of the post is scored out on my screen also.

Original poster
chachagabor · 28/05/2019 08:34

@grandadwasthatyou - very strange. Not sure what has happened there.

OP posts:
newjobnerves · 28/05/2019 08:35

I'm on the app and it's scored out from line 5 down to the penultimate line, I persevered though 😂 sorry I assumed this would be the case for everyone.

HennyPennyHorror · 28/05/2019 09:01

I'm on a PC and nothing's scored out at all....must be a MN glitch.

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