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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Difficult situation for DD

24 replies

Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2019 16:46

I have changed some details here but nothing major
Dd is 14 and is generally a kind, sweet girl and can be a bit of a doormat to be honest
Since Y7 she had a good friend called A ( obviously not real name). They got on really well and although weren’t best friends they were in the same class and part of the same gang. A had a twin (B). B is quite a different personality and didn’t really like DD, largely I think due to jealousy of her friendship with A bit DD wasn’t too bothered and just kept out of her way
Unfortunately last year A died in awful circumstances, DD was devastated, as were lots of her friends but the school were great, she had some counselling and seems to be fine now. She has been put in charge of a memorial thing that is being created for A as well, which she is pleased to be doing
The problem now is B, she will not leave DD alone. I completely understand why but she has decided that DD is now her Best Friend and is asking her to hang around with her and go to her house or out with her family for the day most weekends. DD spent yesterday there and was asked to go today but I said no. DD will include B in things with her friends but B just wants DD and is quite forceful and I think used emotional blackmail to get DD to spend time with her. She also keeps trying to buy her expensive gifts ( they are very wealthy) and the family wants to take her places and pay for it all, which makes me a bit uncomfortable - I send her with money but she always brings it back
I have asked DD how she feels and she says that they get on ok and she doesn’t mind spending time there but that she doesn’t feel she can say no if asked as B always had A to spend time with but now doesn’t.
What, if anything, should I do? Should I tell DD she can’t go as often?
I don’t feel that I can speak to the parents as I don’t know them and obviously it’s very difficult ( worse than I’ve said but I dont want to give too much detail)

OP posts:
Antkiller · 26/05/2019 17:06

My god what an awful situation. I cant even begin to imagine what id do but hopefully someone will come along with the answers

Bunnybigears · 26/05/2019 17:09

Oh goodness that is a horrific situation for anyone to be in let alone a teenager. I think I would be tempted to speak to some sort of bereavement specialists for advice on how to handle.

Whatevermission · 26/05/2019 17:24

Can you agree to set times? Say that DD has started doing xyz so that she is only available on Thursdays, or something?

It's really hard and sad for B and family. But if it's not helping your dd, it's not really fair on her. However, A&Bs parents might think they are helping your DD by continue to invite her round etc

lljkk · 26/05/2019 17:33

My DD would have been direct in telling B that she needed to spend time with other friends or by self, so had to say no sometimes. And would have politely returned gifts with a firm "It's too much" msg. DD is like that.

Bunnybigears · 26/05/2019 17:47

My DD would have been direct in telling B that she needed to spend time with other friends or by self, so had to say no sometimes. And would have politely returned gifts with a firm "It's too much" msg. DD is like that

Has your 14 year old DD had her best friend die in traumatic circumstances then latched on to by the dead friends twin sister? Unless she has I dont know how you know how she would react Hmm

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2019 17:53

Ilijkk DD isn’t like that unfortunately, she will go out of her way not to offend anyone
She has never accepted any gifts so far and I’m pretty sure she won’t as A used to try and buy her gifts and she always refused but taking her places ( think fun days out type things) and paying for everything is a bit more difficult. To be fair there is also a cultural element I know in that for them if they issue an invite they expect to pay ( we have other friends from the same culture).
When DD went last week and I picked her up B was literally clinging to her and asking when she could come again.
As for the parents thinking they are helping DD I very much doubt it but they are really suffering ( it’s actually worse than I’ve said) and if DD being there is helping B I can see why they are encouraging it and I dont blame them but my priority is MY DD

OP posts:
lljkk · 26/05/2019 17:55

It's an opportunity for ur DD to practice being assertive.

But she has to want to, tbf.
What does your DD want to do to manage the situation?

PerspicaciaTick · 26/05/2019 17:57

Could she go back to her counsellor, if they gave been helpful before. There are a lot of really complicated feelings to unpack in this situation.

Reachbackforthechair · 26/05/2019 17:59

DD is like that
Good for you Hmm

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2019 18:03

I don’t think a bereaved child who has lost more than one family member is someone DD should “practise” anything on

Counsellor May be able to help I agree but I’m wondering how I can help too. I am trying to limit how many times DD goes there, I dropped her off at 10 yesterday and she was asked to stay until around 10 at night but I collected her at 6 as “we had something on”
The house is full (naturally) of pictures of A, including some life sized, which DD says she understands why they are there but she finds it “weird”

OP posts:
BlueCornishPixie · 26/05/2019 18:10

llijkk this is a 14 yr old girl who has recently lost her twin. It's a very sensitive situation, hence presumably why the OP isn't advising her DD to 'just be assertive'

I think this is a really difficult situation for your DD op, and really isn't just a case of telling this girl she needs to spend time with her other friends. I don't really know what to advise. I think I would find out honestly what your DD wants, does she want some help limiting the time with this girl? Your DD shouldn't have to base the brunt of this girls grief, especially when she herself is grieving but I don't know how to advise she handles it.

Redcliff · 26/05/2019 18:12

I would ask DD how much contact she is ok with and then agree that she should say you have limited the time she can spend with B to whatever that time is. Do drop off and pick ups if that makes life easier for her.

Then you take the blame and she doesn't need to be assertive in what sounds like a horrible situation all round.

lljkk · 26/05/2019 18:15

You can be assertive & sensitive, they are not mutually exclusive at all.

I do admire how talented DD is at being direct & resolving sometimes very awkward situations with simple directness. I wish I could do that. DD has made me a fan of the direct approach.

Well, you asked for advice & mine as usual is completely loathed. I know I should delete my MN account.

Reachbackforthechair · 26/05/2019 18:18

I think it was more the fact that rather than expressing what a difficult situation OP’s DD is facing, you made it about your DD and how brilliant you think she is and how OP’s DD should be like your DD. All without any regard of the fact we’re talking about 14 year olds here who are mourning and there are a lot of feelings involved so it’s important to be delicate

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2019 18:20

I’m extremely “direct “ and wish DD had inherited a bit more of that but she is who she is and I’m asking for advice on how to help my DD in this situation rather than yours Ilijkk

OP posts:
Whatevermission · 26/05/2019 18:29

Does she even want to see B at all?? Doesn't sound like they had any sort of relationship before

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2019 18:38

Dd says she “doesn’t mind” and that they get on well now. Also I imagine that the fun days out and the unlimited pizza (and lack of supervision) in the cinema room in their huge house with staff on hand is quite hard to resist for a teenager -although I have to say that if DD really didn’t like B even an all expenses trip to New York wouldn’t persuade her! ( not that we would allow it). I know I said DD could be a doormat but if she REALLY doesnt like someone she will avoid them
I think that DD is happy for B to be part of her gang and sometimes meet up, I imagine that it’s nice for her as she does miss A, but that it’s getting a bit intense. For example B has had herself moved into DDs class and I think has chosen the same GCSE options.
DD has a lovely group of friends and it’s a very small school so they just all tend to hang out together so B being included is fine, it’s just the attempts to have DD to herself all the time that DD finds hard

OP posts:
FindaPenny · 26/05/2019 18:43

Hi Hoppinggreen, your daughter sounds lovely and thoughtful. My daughter was in a similar situation but she was much younger and like your daughter she was desperate not to upset the other child, even though they had no relationship before the incident occurred . Everything was OK for a while but the child started to take their anger/sadness out on my daughter and so I told her to take a step back while still being sensitive and gradually the child stopped being so dependent on my daughter and now they rarely talk.

Maybe your daughter can just say she has plans on days she is asked to go around and that will break the cycle a little and hopefully B will start to revert back to her own friendship group? Tell your daughter she can use you as an excuse.... For example, sorry can't go out today, mum says she wants me to help her with some stuff/go shopping/do homework.
Good luck to you and your daughter

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2019 19:44

Thank you finda

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 26/05/2019 19:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Whatevermission · 26/05/2019 21:20

Could you speak to the school? B being moved into your DDs class sounds wrong. I don't think school should have done that...why did they? On what basis? Did A&Bs parents request it? They can't offer up your child as emotional support for B. Also, it's definitely not in Bs best interests to be choosing GCSE subjects so she can stay close to DD. Someone needs to help her! (Although I realise that's not your concern really, in this situation)

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2019 21:41

Thank you to everyone for your responses
I spoke to DD about it today and she said that at school it’s fine as there are other people so it’s not so intense and she can hang out with B in more of a group situation, which is fine
She says that she does enjoy going to Bs house ( they do have an amazing house and get taken to some fun places) but that she finds it hard sometimes as it reminds her of A so much and B can be a bit intense. She’s very nice to DD but love bombs her from what I can gather, for example when I last went there to collect DD we were talking about pets and DD said she had always wanted a certain pet - B said that they could get one and keep it at their house so DD would come more often. There is very much a vibe of trying to “buy” DD as well but from what I can gather B was never especially popular and was always a bit like this whereas A was more laid back.
I’m not going to interfere at school but I am going to limit how often DD goes to her house and see how that goes

OP posts:
Yabbers · 26/05/2019 21:41

I know you said you don't know them, but I do think you need to speak to the parents. You really can't expect two grieving 14 year olds to deal with this tactfully and sensitively. The twin is acting this way because it is something which is making her feel better. Your DD is reacting because it makes her feel worse.

No matter how well I knew them, I would be gently explaining to these grieving parents that it's making things harder for your DD and you would like to work out a way for both girls to be able to feel better with the situation.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2019 22:03

There is no way I could talk to the parents, they are utterly broken ( as I’ve said what happened is even worse than I’ve described here but I don’t want to give too much detail). It’s also the 1 year anniversary of A’s death soon
I will just keep an eye on DD for now

OP posts:
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