How to manage your own anxiety (when parenting teens)

[Birdsonginthetrees]

I don't want to go into details but I've had a bit of a wake up call these last few days. My just 16 DS had previously been a 'perfect' teen, studious, not into partying. But I've just discovered there's other stuff going on in his life that gives us cause for concern.

I now feel that overnight I've gone from not at all worried, living a nice relaxed life, to incredibly anxious.

I was awake most of Thursday night, my anxiety has given me an upset stomach since then, and now I seem to be destroying myself with catastrophising what if thoughts. Worrying about what he's doing now, but also worrying about what will or could happen in the future, next year, the year after, through the uni years. And worrying about his younger brother (who is already more difficult) and what we will go through with him.

It's like someone's switched on the worry and anxiety switch and I don't know how to cope with it. I can't stay in this heightened state of anxiety for years I know it'll be bad for my health.

Anyone got any tips to overcome or manage this anxiety?

Hi Birdsonginthetrees
There is a support thread for parents suffering MH due teens, it might be what you are looking for. Sorry I'm not much help other than that.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3584550-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-Po-Ts-where-parenting-a-teen-is-having-an-adverse-effect-on-our-mental-health?pg=1&order=

Thanks MoobaaMoobaa (great name!) I'll check it out.

Hi, you know I understand how you feel. I have a 16 year old son and I worry myself stupid about things that have not even happened yet. I think something small will 'trigger' me and the thoughts will go round and round. It is more about me than him but it is difficult to stop. I will wake up at night thinking about his future. I worry when he is at a party but then I worry when he isn't. Maybe the menopause isn't helping.
Sometimes, especially at night, I try to visualise my worries and step away from them. Or I imagine I am on a park bench and the worries are 'over there'. It takes practice. I would imagine your son is in a very good situation, loving mum, good life and your feelings are very disproportionate. Sorry if I have rambled but I do understand!!

Dont know but you are not alone. Difficult 13 year old here and Im extremely anxious.

Thanks fairlybalanced mum, that's a good tip to visualise the worries and step away from them, I'll try it.

Sorry to hear you're anxious too MrsBlondie

I feel the same. My dd nearly 13 has nearly driven me to drink, think I've got a few grey hairs too. Thinking of going on antidepressants as I cant cope.

Being mindful more often is a great help. Mindfulness is about being in the present moment as often as you can and noticing thoughts but not dwelling on them. Meditating is great, but anything can work mindful cup of tea or shower etc. Really makes me more calm and patient. Lots of apps online.

The amount of time I spent worrying about hypothetical problems was ridiculous. Meditation and being mindful has really helped.

Hi. I know what you mean. I have various worries about my dc's and have gone from feeling perfectly content to feeling unbearable anxiety on the back of one of them talking about issues that really worried me. All I can say is that anything like this creates panic but this acute phase of anxiety will pass. I hate feeling out of control and often feel better if I can make a plan and decide what actions I need to take. Try some relaxation, going for a walk, having a nice bath, anything to make you feel more relaxed.

Thanks LL83 and PJ67, some good suggestions there.

Wish this phase wasn't so difficult.

I know exactly how you feel, my DS 13 in the last year has been caught smoking and selling weed, refused school for several months and in trouble with the police twice.

His Dad and I are going through what I can only describe as an emotional roller coaster.

We have done what any supportive parents would do, realising normal ‘punishments’ weren’t working such as turning off the WiFi, taking his phone off him etc we offered him counselling (refused to engage) still kept some boundaries and tried to praise good behaviour - but it is an uphill struggle as he doesn’t seem to realise or understand consequences. (I believe he has ADHD and PDA).

We learned how to cope by detaching as much as possible, and to stop doubting your parenting. I no longer engage in any argument or even raise my voice, I either walk away or remind him that if he makes bad choices he will have to deal with consequences.

It’s also really important to look after yourself and make time for your partner. I feel I’ve just about manage to cope with the stress and anxiety, the odd gin and tonic also does wonders!

Now what upsets me the most is how unsupportive close family can be, always worrying if DS will behave at family functions- it’s like they have no idea how crap that makes me feel.

It’s a horrible time- keep reminding yourself it’s just a phase and won’t last forever.

Thanks for posting elizabethounsworth1 - that sounds like a difficult situation.

It definitely sounds like gin and tonic is the way forward! Along with making time for ourselves and partners.

Fingers crossed our young people will pass through these tricky phases and come out the other side safely.

Hello my people! So do we tell the kids how we are feeling - and how they make us feel?

I have so much stress coming from a few angles right now, I am finding is hard not to just sit in a corner, gently rock and cry my eyes out.

I had beta blockers for a month when my daughter was at her finest

They really did the trick - they stop you producing the adrenaline that makes you so anxious.

Ds would love to go to boarding school. I can’t say I’m 100% against the idea at the moment.

Can you look into boarding school, then? If he wants to go, might it be a solution?

School is 3 miles away 🙄

(Can you imagine his sitting there with other kids moaning about missing their parents in Hong Kong!)

Is he a day boy at that school?

If he moaned then they would soon set him straight!

Yes! Soppy sod... can you imagine me passing by the school (as I often do) and his pals yelling ‘hey fekkoson - there’s your mum! Has she come to visit? Oh no, she is wandering into the building over the road...’

I am thinking of going on antidepressants to get through this phase to be honest. My dd who has previously been no trouble atall has had a complete personality change. When I think of the future I just feel sad, and I react too much to her behaviour. I just can't help taking things personally. I think ADs would help me keep a bit of distance maybe?

I’d rather try that as a last resort. I’d hate to become dependent on these.

I'm trying hard to keep remembering that I have no say in or control of what kind of adult they turn out to be.

Hardest phase of parenting ever. It's terrifying - no idea whether I'm raising a future sensible person or a drop out, alcoholic, etc etc. Just have to hope they turn out ok in the end (whenever that is).

I found it helpful to have friends who were open and honest about their teens behaviour. Exercise also helped as kept my mind off it and at least made me feel good as lm an emotional eater so that wasn't going to improve my mood.
I did attend a counsellor in the end. He trained me to react to a situation when it happened and not to let my mind wander to all the possible scenarios...rein in my thoughts. So if there is nothing happening right now, today stay in that place. That really worked for me.
Just for reassurance my then teen who was l imagine far worse than yours has come through brilliantly and is finished college, working etc. This time will pass.
Also my other two, seeing their db cause so much trouble sailed through teen years. My own attitude probably helped too as l was in a different place.

I don't have anxiety but my Ds1, like a pp has nearly driven me to drink, almost a breakdown, but no grey hairs. Yet!
Whereas Ds2 is easy.

Fear not OP there are many of us, struggling parents!! And many threads in the Teenagers sections to help you.