Teenager

[m4nc1ty10]

Hi, Im hoping I can get some pointers, more so because im a Dad and theres probably some stuff that lads dont get.

Im a dad with 2 daughters. One 12 and the other 14.
Both are in high school.

A year ago a lot came out of the woodwork about their mum who was deep into drugs and dealers. When I found out the social services got involved as she had 2 other children who were 4 and 7 at the time.
I took my 2 children and went through the courts and now have full parental responsibility for the girls and they both now live with me and my partner. (Me and my partner have no other children).

My 12 year old has recently come in to starting her period and has had her 2nd period recently.

In all this ive also been informed by the school Councillor that she :

• Has had thought about not being here anymore.
• saying feeling low in mood
• thing that stops her wanting to do anything is she knows how her family will feel
• She previously cut herself (one 1 time and hid it)
• Wont talk about it to me as she worries about how i will react/
• Said she used to hear a male voice in her head saying she was worthless when younger - but doesnt hear anymore.
• Said she sometimes hears a clicking in right temple

Ive spoken to her about this in a nice calm and open discussion. Explained that she can always come to me. That ive been there for all the girly stuff so I can be there for all the other stuff too.
She cant explain to me anything about why she feels like that. Doesnt know why she just starts crying. Doesnt know why she feels like she feels low in mood. So in this conversation I got no answers from her, so I just tried to reassure her that Im here. (this was last night this)

Today in school she says she was making a poster in Science and she burst out crying. But again, no explanation why.

Im really unsure what this is. Is it mental health? Is she being a bit of an attention seeker? Is it hormonal? Is it to do with her previous past with her mum?

My daughter and her mum are very alike. Mum is a bit of a hypochondriac, makes dramas about anything and everything. Says she has bi-polar but hasnt.
A part of this i feel shes just got traits of her mum. But I also dont want to rule anything out and right now just concerned, without making a big deal out of it as I dont want to enforce the behavior that you get attention for this.

Apologies for the big post but hoping to get some alternate views on this and/or some pointers on what you would say is the best course of action.

Thanks

Nath'

This sounds really tough, on you and your dd. do you think that she would be up to talking to someone from The mix? its a charity that helps under 25s. their number is 0808 808 4994 and they take calls from 4pm-10pm. perhaps she could speak to one of the counselors there and then pass the phone on to you? (she will need to say that she is happy to do this at the start of the phone call). they will be able to talk you through it. all the best x

I’m pregnant & no longer with my ex partner for multiple reasons. It’s been crossing my mind a lot lately & I just wanted to advice. Once the baby is born of course he will be going on the birth certificate, but as for surnames I want the baby to have my last name. I will also be giving the baby if it’s a boy his dads name for his middle name. Am I being unreasonable about the surname ?

It sounds like a tough time for both you and your daughter. Its good that she is seeing a counsellor at school and that she has managed to talk to you about it - thats a huge bonus. try and keep those communications line open. And I would try to ensure that she keeps it up regularly and see if there is any further support you can get - Sleepismysuperpower makes a good suggestion there.

I have not been through exactly the same stuff but have an 18yr old and a 16 year old who have been through some tough times. A few thoughts.

1. Teen girls especially can go through periods of self harm and negative thoughts for periods of time anyway without the things that your daughter has been through. Not to say its not concerning and worrying but It happens quite a bit. Peak time for this appears to be in years 8 and 9. The hardest bit is getting them to open up and discuss it and get help - so you are already doing well in that regard. Keep talking - about what she's been through in the past, her Mum, and currently. Be honest and objective but don't overdo it - don't further alienate her from her mother.
2. Starting to get their periods does introduce a lot more mood swings and behaviour shifts with the hormones swirling around and has a definitive impact on them. It does go in cycles - though as a man avoid pointing this out or suggesting it as a reason when a drama occurs! That does not go down well. Just observe and take note.
3. Try to be calm and non-judgemental - it might be that you also need counselling to cope with this. My very good friend whose teenage DD self harmed needed to go for counselling with her and separately as it is very difficult to cope with - she needed help with her strategies to deal with her daughter and support for such a stressful time.
4. Try not to label your daughter particularly in comparison with her Mum and her problems and try to see her as an individual. Its not as straightforward as being a drama queen or like her Mum. She is struggling and unhappy and needs help to get through this period of her life.

Good luck. Keep hold of the thought ' this too will pass' but it make take a lot of support and challenge to get through it.

Hi op, I can recommend a book that was mentioned on here previously about raising teen girls called "Untangled" by Lisa Damour. It's very good I think! There's a section in it about harnessing emotions. The summary is that teen girls do have lots of emotional ups and downs which we can help them through (by responding with the appropriate level of "scale" and by simply talking to them about it, which does lower their anxiety) and that the emotions usually have a purpose, and teens usually do bounce back. There's also a useful list at the back of the book about what is "normal" and when to worry.

Thank you for your replies.
Me and my daughter have spoken further and we are going to seek further help with a Councillor. We spoke further on what support she needs and some of the things she doesnt know the answer to so I suggested that we see someone who can help understand it and shes said yes so were going to do that.

Its particularly tough as I dont want to dwell on the past too much and then be the excuse everytime something goes wrong.

My eldest is a lot different to my youngest but I suppose what has been harder for my youngest is that she was 11 at the time and whilst going through all the turmoil surrounding her mum, shes also gone through starting high school and changes at home with moving out from mums and moving in with me, for then us to move house so we had the relevant space for us all.

Maybe talking to someone professionally can help in the sense that it will allow her to open up about whats going on.

Really appreciate the responses and Im going to have a look at that book Shadycorner, maybe it will give me some help in being a Dad with 2 daughters. Im sure Ive got a lot more to come

It's common at this age, and your DD's have had to deal with tough circumstances on top of the normal teenage stuff. Get a camhs referral for potential self harm, don't take no for an answer, and also seek more general help for both of them to deal with the issues with their mum it's hard for them. Finally it might be good if your partner could spend some "quality" time doing girl things and her take the lead on periods, bras etc because is really embarrassing for teens even with their mum, doubly so with a man (women can reassure them things are normal in a way men can't). I know my DD's friend really struggled with this (her mum had died years earlier) despite her dad trying to do everything right