Are my rules/boundaries unfair? What are yours? Advice please

[Worried247]

My son is currently predicted 1s/Fs in his GCSEs. He has just 1 year left. I pay huge amounts for him to see a private tutor and yet he is still predicted these terrible results. This is not due to lack of ability but due to pure laziness.

To get him to do any homework or work is a battle. Every single day.

My ground rules are that as long as he does 45 mins of homework/work a night, then he can do as he pleases after. He pushes this boundary every single day.

Tonight has been a real low point. He's been texting me today apologising and saying he will do his work and he doesn't want to argue. Then of course as soon as it's time to work, the switch flicks and he's absolutely vile to me again.

Apparently NONE of his friends have to work, I am so unfair, I hate him etc etc. Funnily enough tonight he tried to avoid doing his work because his girlfriend has to be off her phone at 9pm and he wanted to talk to her whilst doing his work. Nope, that's not part of the deal. Interesting that his girlfriend's parents rules are more important than mine and ones he will stick to. He's had all evening to talk to her.

I am sick of it. When I have told him I won't be paying for his private lessons anymore he goes mental and says he will definitely fail if I stop that. I should say that his tutor is ready to give up on him anyway due to his lack of work and committment.

Do I just pull the rug from under his feet, stop helping him and let him fail? Or do I enforce this 45 mins of work every night and continue with this misery?

What does everyone else do?

He should be working every night till the work's done, not till he's done 45 minutes. He should be grounded, and yes, I'd pull the tutor rug from under him.
He's playing you like a violin. If he's like this at, what, 15? How's he going to treat you when he's 17?
What do school say? Is he badly behaved there?

Yes he really is playing me , I know that He plays victim very well.

He is a real charmer and gets away with being lazy at school because he's a charmer and well behaved.

Have you had chats about what he is going to do after GCSEs?

Maybe you can spend some time focussing on next steps?
Might he find a course / apprenticeship he is interested in that requires certain grades and gives incentives to work?

Start being clear now what support you will give him after school if he isn't doing anything productive?

What bargaining power do you have? Who pays for phone / gives lifts / buys trendy clothes / pays for internet etc?

However you do need to think how willing you are to argue v. just give up. I had to take the decision with DD1 at start y13 to step back a long way because arguing/stress was too much (and situation not so bad).

Why doesn’t he want to do it? An academically able but lazy student wouldn’t usually be predicted 1s would they?
Are you sure there’s not some other underlying issue that makes his learning difficult? How were his grades at say, SATS level?

I don't understand how he's predicted 1s and yet has lots of private tuition?

Id be looking at changing tutors and getting him assessed at school, if you haven't already. Has he always struggled? What is his writing and spelling like?

I'd be speaking to the school asking what they suggest - any tips to help him learn and make it a bit more bearable for him.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your boundaries but you need to explain they are in place for his future and others may not do the same because it's not such a struggle.

How does his gf do at school? Could she talk to him if you get her on side?

Perhaps he could get a part time job washing pots in a kitchen or something similar. Then you could tell him that's all he will be able to do unless he pulls his finger out.

I'm not buying that his teachers aren't worried. Charisma won't make him pass his GCSEs.

I'm not being awful but I do work in a school. I would be surprised that an 'able' student was being predicted 1's and there want any underlying educational needs issues.
I'm not saying that you don't care because clearly you do. However he's still only a child and GCSE's are too important to his future just to let him make his own bed to lie in. I understand it's frustrating but he needs you even if he isn't showing it. God luck.

I should say, he is dyslexic and has had a full assessment 2 years ago but when he has put effort in, he managed to get a 4 in a GCSE maths and English paper, so he absolutely is capable. He has lots of support at school.

He is genuinely a pro at saying the right thing at school and being well behaved.

His tutors are both brilliant and have huge waiting lists. He just doesn't put the effort in and acts as if we are torturing him.

If he sat his GCSEs today, he'd fail them.

He wants to become a policeman, despite knowing what grades he needs etc. He expects it to just fall into his lap.

Sadly he's at.an Ofsted 'inadequate' school and the lack of homework is shocking. So all his homework comes from his tutors which he relates to me which makes him.resent me more.

45 minutes isn't enough. What time do you expect him to be off his devices and going to sleep?

He's not a brainbox, but he's definitely capable of getting 4s in his GCSEs. That was his target grades based on his SATS

How long does everyone else make their reluctant child work for each evening?

When I was a teenager I just did it because it was instilled in me.

He has to be off devices at 9.30pm

It sounds like he really struggles. Putting in lots of effort, daily study and expert tuition to get a 4 doesn't really mean he is able...it means he can do it if pushed to the absolute limit. He sounds miserable.
Can you talk to him/his school about reducing the exams he needs to do? Just English, Maths would be a great start.
Maybe look together at some non academic options, like apprenticeships for after the exams.
He needs to know it's ok to be himself.
Yes, daily study is a good habit and 45 mins is plenty if he hates it. Make sure it's bitesize chunks of work he could do, not way too hard for him.

Is there any chance he may have something like adhd that makes it genuinely difficult for him to focus?

How much support is he getting for his dyslexia? Will he be able to have longer in exams for this?

I think you might have had some different answers if you had stated that he is dyslexic in your first post.

My son has dyspraxia and found school unbearable. Luckily he went to an outstanding state school, where they had a personalised revision plan telling them exactly what to do every single day in the run ups to GCSEs, which had to be signed off by their form tutor. He hated it, and kicked against it, but is glad he did it.
With that, a tutor for English, and tears and tantrums he scraped 4s across the board. From memory it was about 3 x 30 minute blocks with scheduled breaks a night, but DS often didn’t get it finished in that time (he got extra time for exams).
Does your DS have any chance to do vocational subjects? Mine did a BTEC in construction and is now doing really well on a plumbing course. He just wasn’t suited to academic study.

Behaviour is communication. There must be a reason he’s not motivated. I too am wondering adhd, but I would certainly look to get an assessment because this arguing can’t be good for either of you long or short term.

I too think most able children could get level fours with minimal effort and certainly without tutoring. I was always very firm with mine about work and achievement but knew they wanted good grades if asked and were capable of getting them without extreme effort.

I think you might be having unrealistic expectations and trying to get him to do the almost impossible. Have you talked to school instead of assuming they are to blame? Ofsted inadequate doesn’t necessarily mean truly awful. It could be something as innocuous out of date safeguarding policy on their website.

Maybe ask about reducing the number of subjects to a minimum 5 including maths and English? Five grade fours are much more useful than eight grade twos.
Ask for SEN support not because he has a diagnosis but because it’s to everyone’s advantage if he gets his 5A-Cs and more individual support might help that.
Look now at sixth form provision. He’s not going to be studying A levels. Consider alternatives now and look at minimum entry he needs to aim for. Maybe a BTech in public services if he’s thinking about policing.Having something realistic to aim for might help him focus more than nagging.

When he says none of his friends have to work, reply: Poor sods.Don their parents really not give a stuff about their futures? (I think he;ll find they do and that they do work in private.)

Also, I wouldn't assume it's laziness. That degree of avoidance is nearly always fear. Ask him why 45 mins is such a big deal that he uses so much effort to avoid it. Make it non negotiable in itself but give him lots of control over where he does it, whether he does it with you or alone. Let him experiment with studying with music on or in silence to discover which he prefers. Straight from school or after an hour;s break? (But set a timer and get him into the routine.)

Also say: I know you hate me going on about this now. But deep down you know I'm only doing it because I want you to pass the exams and prove to yourself you can. I don't mind you hating me for it because later I am convinced you'll see it's because I love you and want the best for you.

Also, check that he is getting the right sort of exam support. Can he use a computer instead of handwriting? Does he have extra time? You need to fight hard for these right now if they are to be in place by the time he sits his exams next year.

I find being absolutely blunt about all this stuff, even if it sounds soppy works because they can't really argue with the truth.

I think 45 mins a day is too much for. My ds1 is doing his gcses atm and doesn't do 45 mins a day.
He wouldn't cope with it and would disengage.
It's not the end of the world if He has to repeat them it might be less stressful for him.

45 mins is nothing if he's not getting any homework.

I've got 1 Y10 and 1 Y12. Both have/had about 2 hours h/w each night. Not all was for the next day, so they may decide to leave some until the weekend if possible, so would end up doing about 1.5hrs a night.

I think he probably thinks it is easy to get into police officer training, and hasn’t researched. The fact is that from next year you will need a degree to be a police officer. I believe you need to do a degree in any subject, followed by extra training, or you need to apply for a police degree apprenticeship. Either way you will need good grades. So I’d recommend he checks out the entry requirements. Like a previous poster said, it’s probably best to suggest a btec in public services. A good grade in that should get you onto a degree course. But of course you’ll need more than 1’s to get onto the Btec course. Maybe visit a college?