Abandonment Issues

[TeenagerHell]

Hi, name changed as my DD12 knows my username.
It's a long story so I will try and keep it brief but happy to answer any questions. I have 2 DD with my ex (12 & 15). Split when they were 1 & 3. For 9 years he was a great Dad. Had them 2-3 nights a week overnight and engaged fully in every aspect of their lives. School parents evenings, friends, Health etc. He never had much financially so was always creative in entertaining them. Frankly he did much more than I did in that respect. Anyway 2 years ago he left his partner that he had their brother with, and moved in with a woman he had been having an affair with. Suddenly everything changed for them and they were being forced overnight into playing happy families with this new young GF and her 3 children. DD12 (10 at the time) is strong willed and didn't like the changes. Started resisting going there. New GF didn't like the girls being there and made it clear they were not welcome. Not allowed to eat with them, treated badly. DD15 (13 at the time) ignored and carried on going but DD12 went intermittently. One evening for an overnight stay the GF kicked off at them that they cost too much to have around. Long story but it resulted in DD15 having a panic attack. I picked them up the next day and didn't know what had happened. I then got a text from their Dad saying they couldn't come to see him anymore. Ever. And they haven't seen or heard from him since. He stopped paying (pittance anyway) and has completely abandoned them both. DD15 was at an age that it does not seem to have bothered her much. Busy with friends etc. But DD12 is suffering so badly. She is increasingly angry with the world. Lashes out with no boundaries to what she says and who she hurts. Demanding and no impulse control. She will follow me around pecking at me until she gets her own way. If she doesn't she punishes everyone around her. It is getting worse every day and I don't know what to do to help her. She won't acknowledge there is a problem or that she is bothered about her dad. I can't get her to talk to anyone else. She just lashes out and says/does the most awful things. What can I do to help her? Will a doctor talk to me without her there? She is so angry and unhappy but can't understand it is because of her Dad. She thinks that as she had already started to not go, that she made the decision first, therefore it can't affect her. I'm at the end of my tether as she is affecting the whole house. We all walk on eggshells afraid of upsetting her. There is so much more but that is enough for now. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Can anyone tell me who I can call to help me to help her?

Oh your poor DD and poor you. I have no experience but lots of sympathy. What's her school like - I would probably speak to pastoral care and get their take on things, they will know what support is in your area.

There is another thread on teenagers hold on to the rope there is some good advice on it

This sounds a lot like grief manifesting as anger. My adult dd behaves like this quite often. You might read up on how to handle borderline personality disorder (not saying she has it, just that the same strategies could be helpful as they have been to me).

Hi, so much of what you've written resonants with me. My DSD has been living with us since January. Her mum is living in Australia, wants to make a life out there, DSD whose 15, doesn't want to live there.

She was living with her maternal grandparents but they can't cope with her so she's come to live with us. My DP has had a very on/off relationship with his daughter.

Over the past few weeks her behaviour has deteriorated- last night she left her TV on and fell asleep - her room is above ours and she woke her dad up, he went up to turn it off and left the bedroom light on, she went mental screaming and shouting for him to go and turn it of. Then she starts slamming doors and smashing stuff, total over reaction.

She is so angry. Doesn't want to live here, or at her nans. Angry with her mum for abandoning her. She's deeply disturbed and we are at a loss how to help her. Social Services are involved but they have been very ineffective up to now.

She's doing her GCSEs at the moment and we are trying to keep things as calm as we can. She's going to visit her mum for a month at the end of July - awful as it sounds we're counting the days away.

Look into Borderline Personality Disorder

Hi TeenagerHell and BG2015 - I totally feel for you both. Although I haven't had personal experience which mirrors for you both, I can assure you that there is help out there - it's just knowing who to access. The first port of call would the local CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services), if you haven't done so already. I have used this service for my younger daughter when she was going through a spell of high anxiety, which was affecting us all as a family, and I have to say that the service we received was amazing. It really helped that we were all on board with wanting to make changes and seek help. The lady that we were assigned really engaged my daughter and gave us strategies to work on every time she met us. I had a real positive outcome from the service and would use it again.

Hold on tight - your children have an adolescent brain, which is trying to make sense of their imploding emotions, which they are still learning to regulate. Unfortunately it all comes out in negative forms, such as lashing out and anger. If we were in their shoes we would feel a real mix of emotions, but depending on our personality traits, emotional intelligence, resilience, maturity and our support network, we would react in numerous ways. They are trying to make sense of their huge loss and they need to be able to talk to someone and be assured that they are not responsible for what has happened and that they are still very much loved you. Do reach out for some help with your local young people's services - of course this depends on where you live as to what is available (and funding cuts). I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get help, as it's not always possible to deal with these situations on our own - after all, no one handed us a training course or manual on how to be our children's counsellors...! Good luck - and remember, it won't always be like this, but the sooner you get help, the sooner they can start to deal with the situation and start the healing process, the better the chance of a good outcome when they start embark on their adult life - they don't need to carry this through - better to deal with it now.