Concerned about DD (15)s Instagram

Sfj1978 · 2019-05-14T17:20:31+00:00

Hi. My daughter turned 15 in October. I haven't really monitored (for lack of a better word) her social media since around when she started secondary school but I've just discovered she's been sharing stuff on Instagram which perhaps isn't a good idea in the long run. Glamour model type stuff basically, posing in the bathroom mirror, some (semi-covered) topless pictures, etc. She's almost at the age when shes legally considered to be able to know what she's doing, but she might decide in the future she doesn't want this stuff out there anymore (by which time it's maybe too late). With so many things at this age I feel like we are in a grey area where she's both too young for me to not intervene in things and old enough that I should let her get on with it. But I mean . . she's technically underage is the thing no matter how you slice it even if not for long. AIBU? [confused] Have not told my (male) partner yet for what it's worth (and probably won't).

TrixieFranklin · 14/05/2019 18:23

Is her account private?

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 14/05/2019 18:24

Wtf she is no where near legally old enough to do what she's doing! Until shes 18 its child porn.
Why haven't you been monitoring her social media?

CarolsBiggestFan · 14/05/2019 18:25

Semi-covered topless pics.

She’s 15. There is no grey area here.

I’d lose my shit if my 15 year old was posting pictures like that on Instagram, whether her account was private or not.

Original poster

Sfj1978 · 14/05/2019 18:27

Trixie: yes.
MissPolly: I was fairly sure it was 16? And I haven't monitored it as I said for a couple of years as a) its mostly private anyway, b) we had no issues up to then and trusted her basically?

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Mabelface · 14/05/2019 18:27

Absolutely no grey areas, and you absolutely should have been monitoring. You need to sit down with her and spell out why it's a bad idea to do this. Ceop will probably have done resources on their website.

popehilarious · 14/05/2019 18:29

What do you mean 'mostly private'? The IG feed is locked? You're (both) incredibly naive if you think any content can't be made public in seconds.

Original poster

Sfj1978 · 14/05/2019 18:30

Feel like an idiot now. That didn't take long. I will have to talk to her which I am not looking forward to. Thanks everyone

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Original poster

Sfj1978 · 14/05/2019 18:33

No I meant her social media in general (Facebook etc) is mostly private, not Instagram ( her Instagram is private). And I'm not naive which is kind of why I'm concerned in the first place!

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TheCanterburyWhales · 14/05/2019 18:36

My dd was 15 in October. Her ig is private. I am on it. I monitor it.
She'd be losing internet privileges for a good while if she was posting that sort of stuff.
You might want to have a dig round at what else, and where else she is posting.
I'm deputy safeguarding lead at my school and some of the stuff I've seen on Instagram posted by sweet angelic teens is enough to make your hair stand on end.

Your "well, she's almost not underage anymore" stance is a bit odd tbh. So she hits 16 and you let her do what she wants? Is that the plan?

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 14/05/2019 18:37

"This is because sending a naked image of yourself in a text, or on social media, when you’re below the age of 18 is technically illegal. The law doesn’t make any exception for young people creating, possessing or sharing such material themselves. It counts as an offence of distributing an indecent image of a child and meets the legal definition of child pornography."

Copy and pasted from an article in regards to indecent images on social media.
The legal bits aside, it has nothing to do with trusting her, you are the adult and she is the child who is still learning about the world - that's where monitoring comes in.
How do you know if she's talking to anyone inappropriately? Posting them kind of images suggests it's not unlikely!
This could of been so much worse OP and I honestly cannot believe in this day and age, that you would think monitoring social media isn't necessary.

Original poster

Sfj1978 · 14/05/2019 18:59

TheCanterburyWhales: I certainly wont stop giving advice or giving support at 16, but that is technically the age when she can leave the home so I feel she should get a greater deal of personal responsibility and agency then and I should have less say in what she chooses to do. "digging round" may be hard as I said most of her social media is private, I would need to actually ask her which sort of defeats the purpose. And yes, a few of the comments on her instagram are unnerving (though do seem to be by friends, not random strangers; not sure if thats better or worse actually), I did not check the private messages as, well, I felt it would be an invasion of her privacy at this stage (of deciding what to do). The thing is she and her sister (12) have always been very well behaved and we all get on well (part of the reason I am trusting of her), so something like confiscating internet privileges would come out of nowhere for her; I think a adultish talk is for the best and she would be receptive to it.
MissPolly: I stand corrected, thanks. However does "naked image" there not mean, like, actual porn? Like basically stuff which by definition isn't allowed on Instagram to my knowledge? So, I don't think I can tell her its actually illegal, just that its a really bad idea (and close enough to illegal). And I know, I'm sorry.

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MissPollyHadADolly19 · 14/05/2019 19:38

Naked I think is a blanket statement, the article itself is about indecent images so yes I'd class semi naked under that category.
As for the people who follow her on IG are they friends that she knows by face or just on the internet? I think the whole invasion of privacy shouldn't even be a factor right now, safety first and foremost.
OP I honestly don't mean to be harsh but I work with children/teens at risk of CSE (Child Sexual Exploitation) and right now your DD is at risk and I'd tread carefully in your position - but 100% you need to see her messages, if she's compliant and usually open with you then ask her but if not you will have to do this without her knowing.
Also child porn can be fully clothed but provocative not necessarily revealing, she's still vulnerable to outside influences and IG is one of the worst for it - not just for indecent images and although it probably doesn't relate to your situation things like self harm and eating disorders are promoted via use of hashtags and pages on there.
IG is a dark hole when it comes to social media.

VanillaCoconutDove · 14/05/2019 19:42

Who do you think those images are for op?

She won’t just have 15 year old boys as friends viewing these images. Are you comfortable with the thought of middle aged men wanking over your underage daughter? You really do need a bit of a shake about this!

LeslieYep · 14/05/2019 19:45

With regard to the law and images. Anyone under the age of 18 and in a sexual pose is illegal whether dressed or not.

Work in this area and found it strange that you can have sex at 16, yet photos at that age and older were against the law.

Sexual posing is a very subjective term, but could be construed as pouting, or bottom type gym shots...

Original poster

Sfj1978 · 14/05/2019 21:12

MissPolly: All I can judge the people following her is by the comments, and virtually all of them seem to be her age and the ones who use real names mostly fit in with where we live (Scotland). There are no 50-year-old men from Mumbai, for example. And I don't believe she would ever accept requests from random creeps (if so why make the account private in the first place). However, the follower count is really too high to be just confined to people she knows in real life (but far too low for her to be accepting every random people, fortunately). I also may have given slightly the wrong idea; her instagram is not exclusively that type of content. It''s mostly not (pictures of food, pictures of her and her friends etc). Not that that makes the unnerving content any more acceptable of course or any less likely to attract middle-aged-men. I appreciate your concern, I understanad the gravity of the situation, and I will attempt to talk to her in a relatively adultish manner about it, and hopefully have her be honest about it, I think it should go okay.

Vanilla: Yes I know, thats precisely why I'm not telling my husband about it unless something more concerning comes up. And as I said, it seems exclusively people her age who are following her. And I would guess one of the things she might say if shes defensive about it is that other people (as in, actual instagram celebrities) do it so why cant or shouldnt she.... (ignoring the age issue which makes that moot anyway)

Leslie: There's nothing actually explicitly sexual about the images other than the states of undress (unless you consider just being topless to be sexual in itself). There are lots of compliments on her body/appearance in the comments but they're more from girls than boys it seems. The boys compliments are cruder, admittedly but not explicitly sexual. In any case the state of undress is sufficient I think, better safe than sorry.

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Original poster

Sfj1978 · 14/05/2019 21:12

MissPolly: All I can judge the people following her is by the comments, and virtually all of them seem to be her age and the ones who use real names mostly fit in with where we live (Scotland). There are no 50-year-old men from Mumbai, for example. And I don't believe she would ever accept requests from random creeps (if so why make the account private in the first place). However, the follower count is really too high to be just confined to people she knows in real life (but far too low for her to be accepting every random people, fortunately). I also may have given slightly the wrong idea; her instagram is not exclusively that type of content. It''s mostly not (pictures of food, pictures of her and her friends etc). Not that that makes the unnerving content any more acceptable of course or any less likely to attract middle-aged-men. I appreciate your concern, I understanad the gravity of the situation, and I will attempt to talk to her in a relatively adultish manner about it, and hopefully have her be honest about it, I think it should go okay.

Vanilla: Yes I know, thats precisely why I'm not telling my husband about it unless something more concerning comes up. And as I said, it seems exclusively people her age who are following her. And I would guess one of the things she might say if shes defensive about it is that other people (as in, actual instagram celebrities) do it so why cant or shouldnt she.... (ignoring the age issue which makes that moot anyway)

Leslie: There's nothing actually explicitly sexual about the images other than the states of undress (unless you consider just being topless to be sexual in itself). There are lots of compliments on her body/appearance in the comments but they're more from girls than boys it seems. The boys compliments are cruder, admittedly but not explicitly sexual. In any case the state of undress is sufficient I think, better safe than sorry.

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TERFApparently · 16/05/2019 08:51

She is possibly breaking the law as outlined above. In addition, as has also been pointed out, the law regarding images of children relates to anyone under 18, regardless of whether or not they create the images.

Given that she is sharing these images at 15 if I were you I'd consider what she may go on to share at 16 or 17 if you don't talk about this now. She may not be aware of the law - many if not most young people aren't - so use it as an opportunity to highlight it. I'd also remind her that nothing on the internet is truly 'private'. She has no idea whether her photos are being copied and distributed more widely.

TERFApparently · 16/05/2019 08:55

Another thing. Companies like Instagram can flag these images to the police if they think the person looks under 18. This is often done automatically via software. Once the police are informed they will follow it up, however much you feel the photos aren't 'explicitly sexual'

EvaHarknessRose · 16/05/2019 08:58

You need to address whether she has been receiving dick pics. Or sending naked pics via snapchat or private message. She will have had requests if she is posting like this.

Phone out of bedroom in evening? She will thank you for protecting her when she is older.

Hollowvictory · 16/05/2019 09:00

You've learned the hard way that kids need adult supervision with social media. You will have been told that countless times from school.
Honestly, some people!

Hollowvictory · 16/05/2019 09:08

And yes, topless photos of a 15 year old are sexual. How could u think otherwise? 🙄

Rainatnight · 16/05/2019 09:14

Oh well, as long as there's no one from Mumbai following her, that's alright then...

OP, you are coming across as very relaxed about this. When you say there's nothing sexual about the pictures, she's got her boobs out on Instagram, and boys are making crude comments. What has brought her to this place?

Hollowvictory · 16/05/2019 09:22

Lack of parental supervision and direction I'll wager. Poor girl.
I tell mine do not post any pictures you wouldn't want putting on the school noticeboard.

Hollowvictory · 16/05/2019 09:23

If school fund out then a safeguarding referral could be made.

BackInTime · 17/05/2019 16:28

OP I think she is certainly young enough to intervene, in fact if you don't you are failing to protect your DD. I have seen girls on my DCs IG, some younger that your DD post inappropriate pouting, photos in little more their pants and I just wonder where their parents are. The pressure on young girls to behave like this is immense and it's just so so sad.