Bright teenage son who doesn't want to learn

[Qosaclan1]

Hello fellow Mumsnetters, I feel the need to phone a friend. I have a 12 year old son (13 in August) year 8 secondary. I also have a daughter in the same year. I fought hard to get them both into a good secondary and drive 40 miles a day to and back to get them there (Catholic School incase wondering about the catchment). My daughter is doing extremently well, mature for her age, organised, musical and determined. They were the only two children from their primary school to go on to their secondary school. My son is a very lively, funny and energetic character with a curious mind and a zest for life - he had a rocky start to secondary school, mild bullying, spent a lot of his time in detention due to silly behaviour (likes to entertain to be liked) and lack of organisation which carried on into year 8, he finds it very hard to focus. He is a bright boy and should be doing so much better, because he doesn't put in the work, he has ended up in lower sets than what he should. The GCSE syllabus starts in Year 9 and I am worried for him, I only just found out that students are either entered for a foundation or higher paper and in the former, the highest grade you can achieve is a 5. I am told that boys tend to switch on in year 9, but my worry is that if/when the maturity comes, he will already have been placed in the foundation sets with no chance to excel past that. In the past we have had tutors etc and I honestly don't think I could/can do more. He just doesn't have the motivation/determination to learn, I do understand that he is an active learner and that the education system is not set up in that way, but I am at a loss as to what to do - considering a GCSE tutor or drastically placing him in the private school system (if they'd have him). It is hard to just sit back when he is so bright and has so much potential if he could just get organised and put in the work. I would really appreciate to hear from anyone who has encountered a similar situation and can offer any advice. Thank you.

I got a bit lost, but I have a y9 DD, so here goes:

Only maths, science and MFL(?) have higher and foundation tier.

The decision over which tier can be taken quite late, eg around mocks of y11. Science they seem to teach pretty much everything to everyone, so the tier is decided based on ability to grasp rather than what is taught.

Original sets should be flexible. My DD1 even moved maths sets between y10 and y11.

Working hard and doing well in tests from y9 onwards should help with staying in better sets and eventually getting better grades. (Though right now I'd happily take a bunch of 5s for my struggling DD.)

If he's bright he'll probably coast through his GCSEs doing the bare minimum as a lot of clever boys do
I have twins, you would do well to stop comparing him to his sister

If hes happy I wouldnt be pushing and stressing yourself , I done that last year and Im now on blood pressure tablets and stress tablets which are helping me and I have taken a bit of a step back I used to sit at table with them for hours helping but now I just say get out some study my y9 is doing history but i hear her humming away and would have usually told her to stop but im leaving her to it. When she gets her report in june it will show her wheter she needs to put in more effort in y10
My other dd is in y11 spends more time socialising than study so if she has a few resits to do it will show her she needs more effort.
Remember every child is different and there is so many different routes they can take. The more we nag them the less they will do.

If he's at a good Secondary that you drive so far for, they should be trying to figure that out. Review it at the end of Y9 and see what the teachers says at parents evening. But basically, if the school's as good as you say, they should let him not reach his potential.

How do you know he's bright?
He's a year younger than his sister, if he were to start Primary school now he would possibly start the year after her.

You can lead a horse to water...
You aren’t going to fundamentally change your son. Everyone has ‘potential’ but if reaching that means practically strapping him to his desk then you are just going to end up with a very resentful child. Does he have any long term goals? If he has something to aim for that might help. Otherwise all you can do is be encouraging, accept he is not going to achieve academically like his sister, DO NOT COMPARE THEM, and just know that most people succeed on their personality and drive, not always academic success.

Thank you so much for all the very helpful responses, which I will gratefully take on board. I do try very hard not to compare, there are 11 months between my son and daughter, but they are in the same year, he is the younger end of the year and she is one of the oldest in the year, so all along I have felt the gap and if I had had the choice I would have kept him back a year, but at the time they started school the choice wasn't there. Really appreciate your taking the time to respond.

Please don't stress and fret over this. Leave your son to find his own level. He will just end up a total basket case if you keep pushing and worrying. And agree with PipAndMum, its not the be all and end all, though people seem to be hysterical about education these days (IMO). When I think of all the people I've met in life, I think what results they got in their GCSEs or O levels were the least relevant thing ever - its their drive, their sense of humour, their spiritedness, their gentleness, integrity, passion (or lack of the same) and many other things that makes them who they are. Academic children unless they are at terrible schools will always achieve. They don't need extra stress from their parents.

My DS is similar to yours, bit lazy and coasting esp yr 8. I worried about him ending up in sets lower than his potential esp maths and English. In fact the opposite was the case as he was put in higher sets even though his efforts didn’t warrant this as the teachers spotted potential. I got the same message from almost every teacher at parents evening. If you’re worried speak to the school year leaders but in a good school environment teachers do look out for underachieving boys in particular and seek to motivate them.

Year 8 was definitely a low point in his effort I would say too. GCSEs next year are going to cost his dad a fortune if he does well

Boys do tend to settle later than girls. Year 9 for all kids seems to be the nightmare year

I remember when ds started secondary and the HT said hear 7, first term, they tend to be disorganised little lost souls as they adjust. Year 7/8 they start to settle and find who they are as people.

Year 9 - well we just get them through that!

Year 10/11 generally everyone settles down and achieves to their ability.

I would stop worrying and stop thinking a ot applying more pressure. My son has asd and his science teacher in yr 9 just didn't get him and thought he was the most difficult child she'd ever taught. I felt she targeted him through things she directly said to me. She told ds he'd never do well in science and clearly doesn't have capacity to learn. School moved him to different science teacher. Start of year 10 - as he's top group he had to have her again. She now can't sing his praises enough and how he's getting results in top 5 of class every test. Things change. Kids change. Hormones change.

But if he's always pressured and compared to his sister he may feel there's no point trying as he may feel he'll never be good enough and it's not worth the effort.

Once again thank you for all the responses, it all makes perfect sense - a lot of this was going on in my brain, but sometimes you just need to see it in black and white and it is so reassuring to know that there are others out there who have gone through and are facing the same challenges. The other hurdle we had was that he was choosing the wrong group of boys to mix with, this seems to be sorting itself out slowly now as he matures. Although born into a different era many moons ago, I was very like my son (shhhh) a late developer, with poor GCSE grades and I wanted it to kick in sooner for him, but hey with a masters degree and successful international career under my belt, I should know better than to stress - you are all amazing and I will definitely drop a few gears based on your feedback :)

Well, I can sympathise. My DS is in year 10 and he has really lost interest this year and is coasting. He is clever, could get all top grades but is more interested in other pursuits (nothing bad thank goodness). He’s a bit disruptive in class and cheeky too so that doesn’t help.
He knows he has to work but gets distracted by things like friends online, etc and is just not motivated enough although now I’ve told him that he needs certain grades in his mocks to get into v oversubscribed college of choice he’s upped the ante a bit.
In the end it’s his life and hopefully he’ll pull it out of the bag in a years time!

My dd1 maths teacher said to her today your intelligence doesn't match your personality you do so well in your tests but you have an attitude. Teachers can be quite hurtful as her form teacher told me about a month ago she was never cheeky just a bit forgetful and disorganised.