How to make it up to younger DD over elder sister's special 18th birthday 'time capsule'

[WhisperingJesse]

My elder daughter is coming up to her 18th birthday. When we had her 1st birthday party, we asked guests to bring her a little gift or something to be opened at her 18th. TBH I forgot all about it, but my Mum reminded me a couple of months ago and today I've been in the loft and found a lovely set of small gifts and memorabilia from her 1st birthday, including newspapers, cards, and one of the party plates and cups.

The trouble is, I also have a 14yo and didn't do the same on her first birthday. I was overwhelmed by parenting and forgot all about such extras!! So she won't have anything special like this on her 18th.

Is there anything I can do now to get something special ready for younger DD's 18th in 3.5 years' time?

To avoid drip-feeding in case it's relevant, my firstborn died at 8 weeks so DD1 reaching one year old felt like a massive achievement and celebration. I'd calmed down a bit by DD2.

Perhaps start a time capsule now for DD2? You can order copies of newspapers for particular dates (her birth date)
There's a website somewhere about baby names that tells you how many babies were born that year with the same name.
There are lots of links to things like what was the no 1 single on her birthday (UK/US)
Go through any of their old baby books and pick out her favourites, put them in the parcel.
Can you get friends/relatives to write a few little notes to DD2 as if they were writing them on her first birthday?
Print off photos from the first year of her life and put them in a little album (people never print off photos anymore so this is always nice, I've a cousin who gives me a printed out photo from our youth on every birthday. You could get friends/relatives to write the notes on the pages of the album.
Is there any jewellery or possessions from deceased relatives that you could pass to DD2 on her birthday (ring from Gran for example)?

Oh and if you are doing photos, are there any of her first birthday party in particular - maybe frame a nice one of these. And of course the first picture from the hospital!

Can’t you just share out what you’ve got between them? They won’t know, surely?

How about 18 gifts of love for her 18th, each representing the things you love about her, others live about her, things she loves, that make her smile/laugh etc

Don’t underestimate your other kids ability to understand and accept situations. Just explain what happened, it was an idea you had on the back of a serious loss and by the time she was born, you’d forgotten about that particular thing you did for elder DD. Tell her you’ll get her something special instead of that and get her a lovely engraved bracelet or something. If your kids are loved and well raised they won’t be all insulted and incapable of understanding that fairness isn’t about getting the exact same everything.

Personally for my 18th I wouldn’t have been arsed with a load of sentimental stuff from my 1st birthday.

I dont think I would have card about getting a pper birthday plate and cup from.my st birthday on my 18th I honestly dont think your 14 hear old will be bothered. Unless there is something more special than a newspaper and a paper plate etc I would maybe not give it to the 18 year old either then there isnt even a problem.

Personally for my 18th I wouldn’t have been arsed with a load of sentimental stuff from my 1st birthday.

This is very true. This is probably something that is more important to you than either of them.

Find one of each coin dated the year she was born. If you start checking change now you should have them all by the time she’s 18. Then get online and find out what you could buy with the total (£3 ish) like how much milk, how much petrol, chocolate or whatever.

Ha my problem is my late husband wrote a letter to my son when he was born to be opened at 18. He died when my son was 6. He never got round to doing the same for our daughter!! I’m going to write one for her myself but it just won’t be the same...

I'd honestly start one now. You should be able to get things from the right date using eBay.

I'd just be honest with her and explain what happened as you have done here. Make it clear it isn't any reflection on you caring about her any less and perhaps dig out some baby pictures of her and put them in an album or similar.

I'd offer to buy her a special extra birthday present to make up for it. Which as a teenager she'll probably like more anyway...

You could make a photo album / scrapbook, you have loads of time.

Photos from baby and up to her 18th, any mementos, ticket stubs, personalise with funny things she has done, date of crawling, walking, first day of school etc.

I'm sure others will have more / better ideas to suggest.

Some lovely ideas here, thanks. I take the point about the plate/cup etc but there are some really nice personalised notes and gifts too. I'll definitely start working on ideas for DD2 now.

if i thought she would be devastated and this would be a life shattering event and she would end up hating me and her sister i would just do one now. order back newspapers, go get some party plates etc. just completely fudge it.

I think it’s great that you’ve recognised the disparity and will try to do something for your second daughter.

I would have been upset at 18 (and even now!) if something similar happened - even if you understand the context, it doesn’t necessarily stop you from feeling sad about it. Speaking as the youngest child where there are v few photos of me and hundreds of my older siblings!

We did this when our eldest 2 were born but not when DD3 was born. I can honestly say it was completely uninteresting when their 18th came around. I was far more moved than either of them. I certainly don't regret not doing anything for DD3.

I guess I could also get clues from whatever DD1 gets, and buy/wrap something similar as though it's from a 1st birthday guest!

I'd have felt more sentimental about something like this at my 21st or even after. I also think if it was my older sister who was the first after a loss I would completely understand why i didn't have the same sort of thing for me. Your younger DD will surely understand that! Best to be honest rather than give her a fake sentimental parcel

Ask people to write memories of when she was little/growing up. It doesn't have to be from her first birthday it can be from any time.

My DD2 was always a bit peeved that DD1 had a fully completed baby book and hers had nothing in it apart from the date and time of her birth. For her 18th her cousin had a photo book made for her of her entire life and she was so pleased with it. Maybe something like that would be good?

Creating a fake set of gifts and letters from you and other people as if they were written in her first birthday is veering into nuts territory. Not all children get equal treatment; they should get fair treatment. There's a difference and a lot of kids can understand this.

No! Fgs don’t fake it! Look for a concept that shows her she’s loved for herself

Why not just keep on forgetting that you have the time capsule? No need to give it on the birthday - you can ‘come across’ it in the loft on a random day in a couple of years time.

You could start a time capsule at 16 for when she is 21 or 30 ?

Ok, more food for thought here. I like the idea of asking people to write their memories of what she was like when little, but there is a potential problem as DD2 is identifying as trans FtM at the moment. By the time she is 18 she might either have desisted, or be more convinced than ever, and not willing to contemplate her girlhood. Same goes with a photo album. Ah well, thanks for all the thoughts.