DS 12 hanging around with year 9s/10s

[danicohn]

So it seems that DS 12 has fallen into popularity in higher years, hanging around with his year 7 mates and his new 'mates' Seperatly, and he seems to be juggling it well somehow , however the issue is that these older lads are the smokers/vapers and in general not the best crowd. He came home one day and smelled of vape berry flavour...

I confronted about it, he said he isn't being bullied by them, and are basically just older mates. He said they let him take a 'hit' on the way home from school.

How should I act about this? I think it's going out of hand.

Bumping

Guess I can't get any help then?

I think you need to put your foot down he’s getting into the wrong crowd older or not

Hi Dani,
The teenagers board isn’t awfully well frequented IIRC (I don’t use it often but have given advice from a Professional POV, as I’ve been working with teens for over a decade.)
You might get more help in parenting/chat/AIBU/secondary ed boards - good luck!!

Very difficult to stop him doing something like that on the way home. And difficult not to get drawn into a situation where you say you’re not allowed to see these friends and he does it anyway. I would talk to him about your main concerns and see what he says his lines are and try and agree on what he wouldn’t do. Also does he have any hobbies or fun things you can line up to make an alternative activity? I imagine the pull of older boys and a bit of danger can be quite strong.

Are there any lunchtime or after school clubs for only year 7/8 that he could join? Or Scouts is 10-14 year olds. Something to encourage him to make friends closer to his own age.

Easier said than done though. Banning and putting your foot down over something indefinable is usually ineffective. As my grandfather told my father when he tried to impose rules ‘ If they’re going to go wrong, they’ll go wrong in their lunch hour’
Only sustainable way is talking through your concerns, being specific about exactly what you are worried about and coming to a mutual agreement. Otherwise he’ll continuously look for ways around the issues when you aren’t aware.
Does he socialise outside school with his peers? Have a hobby? Is he only walking home with them, or is he actively seeking them out at other times? Plus, they may be perfectly reasonable children. Or not.
It’s one of the major challenges as they grow up, what are their choices going to be, what moral code do they have and have you raised a follower or a leader?

Way too slow with my typing, Karwoman! Practically a cross-post. 🙂

Oh yes!

Why is he hanging anywhere? My dd was in bed at 9:30 in year 7, and would not have been permitted to just hang about.

Th

Wow didn't realise the replies, I'll try answer some of the questions brought up.

@GreenTulips He hangs around with them at school in the bikeshed area, and meets them in the local area at times, how can I stop that?

Oops wrong tag! @TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

He does kickboxing with a general age range of 12-14 year olds, which does make me feel that he wouldn't let himself be bullied by the lot, however it's another outlet to meet up with them sometimes, as it's really close to the shopping centre where they go sometimes.

You can raise this as a concern with his form tutor or head of year, they can try to keep him busy at lunchtime and discretely discourage hanging out with much older kids in school.
Can you pick up/drop off at school to prevent socialising on the way?

@TreadingThePrimrosePath Let's just say they're the lads vaping, getting an isolation every week, leaving class type of lads, so no moral code if you could say that.

I was meaning your son when I spoke about a moral code, you have no control over other people’s children. The things your son finds unacceptable, bunking off lessons, being disruptive, shoplifting, trespass, vandalism...

Oh sorry, misread your post.

DS as soon as he joined secondary he was being a cheeky, talkative little git, he did have the duty teacher called on him a couple times for him to be sent to isolation, however I worked with him on it, and it seemed to improve, but it's declined again.

Cont. he was also in trouble at primary for writing on the toilet walls with sharpie, so it wouldn't be surprising if he would do vandalism If the chance arised.

Talk to his form tutor about your concerns, see if they have any specific ideas.

I didn't think DC school allowed any vaping by pupils on school grounds during school hours. It's an internal exclusion offence. That part confuses me.

There was a very popular lad in DD's (yr7) friendship group, the lad became popular with the yr11s for a while. But I don't think they were especially vapers. They just liked a pet yr7, like yr5-6s in primary often befriend yr1 kids.

I suggest that this is the start of ongoing conversations with your kid about how there are lots of people in the world & it's good to get along with most of them but I EXPECT YOU THINK FOR YOURSELF (is my recurring msg), which means I expect them to not copy bad decisions that others have made. So we have very frank discussions about why other people's choices could be bad ones. Otherwise, supporting continued friendships with healthier role models is good strategy.

DD's mate (who I suspect to be a compulsive liar) got kicked out of 6th form for Drug dealing. I gave DD a grilling about how the mere fact of DD knowing the girl ever dealt drugs might be seen as unforgiveable by many. So the convo was about unwise actions & decisions, not the friendship itself.

I've got no advice but wanted to post as I'm having the same problem with my 12 year old son, he's got friends his own age but is also popular with 15/16 year olds. His behaviour has gone massively down hill and just yesterday I was called into school about his lack of respect for all adults including the head and deputy head. We've gone with the approach of him being grounded for one month and for at least a week he's being driven to and from school. Since hanging around with an older crowd he's using sexualised language has absolutely no respect at home and has also vaped with them. I know they drink and steal and he had a love bite in the Easter holidays although that was off a girl the same age as him who also hangs around with the group. We've tried talking calm and rationally about the older group not being as cool as he thinks if they hang around with 12 year olds to look cool! I've got dd15 and my db16 also lives with us and they are worlds apart they wouldn't dream of smoking/vaping or drinking and stealing. They are all about grades and school so I find it so hard with ds12 and the lack of boundaries and rule breaking. Sorry I've got nothing to add or help with your post but I've been pulling my hair out trying to work out what I'm doing wrong and it feels better getting it off my chest

Alright, I think I'll organise a meet with the form tutor..