What is it like being a parent of an older child?

[Cool7house]

I have three kids who are 6,7 and 7 months. I love being a mum, love family life. One of the things that I worry about is what will life be like when the kids get older? I have no idea.

I worry about things changing when they go to secondary school, becoming more independent (which I know is really important,) bullying, wanting to do less as a family. What are your experiences? What are the pros? Am I needlessly worrying!

Thanks

Best to live in a city with teens as they can hop on a bus-no need for chauffeuring!

Yes and your public transport system is so much better than ours in this regard! Spent many years in the UK and you have it good in this regard. We live in the largest city in the country and public transport is still shit. Getting to a friends house will take them 20mins by car and just over 2hrs with public transport. Ditto for them getting to ‘local’ teenage jobs. Ditto for people getting to work unless they work right in the CBD itself (which a lot of people do for this reason). That’s why we all drive everywhere all the time here.

Its hard work....The issues that you have i think become more serious, My daughter is 20 now but it doesn't seem to get any easier, her mood swings have been a daily feature for getting on 8 years, no one ever prepares you for it...I never considered having to deal with self harm and attempted suicides.
I'm hoping for less trouble from my son, hes 12 now and the worse things we deal with at the moment is laziness and personal hygiene issues...from talking to other parents of 12 year old boys this is pretty standard!

Where do you live Hopping?
Public transport is pretty shit where I am too, but at least kids can get on a bus into town for the cinema or whatever. Anything more complicated gets trickier. I think London must be great for that-I'm always in awe of the public transport system when I go there.

I worked until 4:30am this morning, so stayed in bed 7-9am while 3 x dC all got selves out door to school.

This evening long chat with DD about her university open day options, possible summer jolly with mates to EuroDisney (I have agreed in principle to fund since she won't go on hols with me + brothers this summer).

19yo is financially independent & 14yo has proven self to be very responsible at his PT job, but still has 'need my mum' moments. 11yo makes everyone cakes. The teen boys go swimming with me & DD talks about books we have read.

That's a good day, there are bad days too, when I look forward to seeing a lot less of them. On whole, I'm probably better parent for this stage than I was for little ones.

I've been very very very lucky and dds pretty much the same easy going child at almost 15 as she was as a toddler.

I can't take the credit and it's not thanks to me being a wonderful parents or any of that stuff, and I hate sounding smug because I'm really not, we got a very easy baby who turned into a very easy toddle, tween and now teenager. I'm very lucky she's good at self discipline and self moderated gaming etc, focussed on homework and like spending time doing stuff with me and her dad without cringing when in public. I'd have not been seen dead with my parents at any event at that age lol.

Where do you live Hopping?
Sydney.
Yeah, my kids can also get a bus to the cinema and it only takes around 20mins to get there. Problem is bus networks here are really peculiar so while each of their friends can also get to a cinema by bus in around 20mins if they want to go to the SAME cinema then you will have one person travelling 20mins by bus, one travelling approx 1.5hrs by bus and another would just give up as it becomes a marathon event. Yet they can all get to each other’s houses in under 20mins by car.

Our public transport system is rigid, not networked as such in that to get most places (unless business CBD hubs, of which we have .....three, in the largest city in the country) you will need to use a combination of eleventy billion buses/trains and it will take you half a day to get anywhere.

We drive to the local hospital (a major hospital servicing tens of thousands of people). Takes 20mins out of peak hour, don’t even ask about peak hr. I was once without a car so thought I would use public transport rather than Uber, took nearly 3hrs to get there.

Only problems we had was with illness- which obviously is nothing to do with age.

Other than that, I thought it was great fun. I enjoyed seeing them get more independent, enjoyed realising that there were things they knew better than me, enjoyed having my ideas challenged. Enjoyed being able to share more adult jokes, films etc.

As far as teenage mood swings went, I thought compared to my menopausal mother (whom I love dearly btw) they were a piece of cake; hardly noticed them.

My dd was far more into cutting remarks as a toddler (precocious child) than she was as a teen.

What is it like being a parent of an older child?

It's great. Parenting gets better and better, the older they get - well so far. Mine are 22,20 and 17. Love this stage.

They can drive and pick you up from a night out.

It's great when they get to the stage when you can first go out of the house without having to take them all with you - that's a lovely step.

They are funny, and can joke and laugh with you.

You no longer have to take them to all the appointments - haircuts, dentists, optician, Dr, hospital, buying new school shoes at the same time of year as everyone else.

You no longer have to sit through painful school concerts where all the new instrumentalists are let loose on an audience for the first time.

You no longer have to produce 'World Book Day' or 'Romans Day' costumes or Easter Bonnets at 2 days notice.

They can cook, and generally look after themselves.

there's 100s of things that are better when they are older.

They are funny, and can joke and laugh with you.

And you can watch decent tv shows and movies together. And their taste in music improved and you go to concerts together.

Mine are odd in that not everyone likes the same stuff so I watch different tv series with different kids, different styles of movies with different kids. If I say I’m off to see x movie, anyone want to come, I will generally get a taker. Same with concerts, I see different bands with different kids depending on who they like/listen to. DH has different tastes again and generally he will also get a taker for whatever he is going to. They all see it as a big win as we pay if they want to tag along. If they do it with friends they finance it themselves.

Can have a drinking session, same taste in music. My 19 yr old nicks my clothes and make up. My 21yr old and i are on the same wave level lol

Have 19 year old and 13 year old DD.
The 19 year old has struggled with anxiety over the years and it was hard work when she was living at home as she was messy. She’s gone to uni and our relationship is better now. We are much closer. She costs us more now though in rent!
Younger DD still comes and hugs me all the time and although shes got an active social life she likes to have mum time. After school she likes to give a long account of her day in great depth. We always try to follow it but it gets confusing! She’s very neat and loves to cook so the polar opposite of other DD.

Much harder. Babies are easy.

I have 4 teens and I think it’s brilliant! You have to do some soul searching yourself and let go of how much you loved having little ones. Teenagers are not cute. They smell weird and need a LOT of driving around. They’re expensive. If they play sports, their schedules will suck the life out of you. They’re hormonal. They worry about school and boy/girlfriends and have random drama regularly. And you worry about them, the random drama and every single time they get into the car.

But OMG! They are hilariously funny and great company, as are their friends. They’re learning who they are which is endlessly fascinating to watch. Mine still all come on holiday (and want to) and I have a rule re dinner that Sunday is Family dinner and they’re all expected to be there. You have to learn to sometimes not speak when you desperately want to but I’m honestly finding it a really rewarding time of my life.

My DD18 is nearly 19. She is lovely, friendly and kind and enjoys my company - for shopping, drinks, coffee, drives. She watches movies in bed with me and tells me her gossip and troubles. She has a lovely BF who stays over quite a bit. She has a lot of friends and is busy going out too. She goes to college in the autumn and I will miss her like hell.

DS16 is not so easy. He chats at dinner, comes on some family outings and all holidays. He will help clearing up after dinner, empty bins etc. He is very clever and funny when he chooses to be friendly. He has a lovely GF who he spends a lot of time with. He is not motivated and a real worry re school work and revision. He washes infrequently and his room is musty. He has a poor track record on answering his mobile or letting me know his plans.

But they can both be lazy as hell. Cups, plates and food wrappers all over the place. Last year with A levels and GCSEs was hell trying to keep them both on track. They can treat the place as a hotel. They are expensive - travel, pocket money, clothes, hobbies.

But on the plus side it's great when the house is buzzing with them and their friends. I love it! So less cuddles but some entertaining, interesting young adults. Love em and enjoy seeing the people they are becoming. It's been a haul as a single parent so I'm proud too.

But enjoy every moment - it goes very quickly.

I have one 21 and one 23.
The first five years were without doubt the hardest for me. Age six to ten was bliss but hard work and above ten they just got easier and more interesting. I loved their company as teenagers, loved watching them grow into proper adult people and miss them terribly now they are gone.
They never stopped hugs but obviously physical contact does go down as they get older. We live very rurally so teen years were spent taxiing them around until they could drive, that's a price I expected to pay for living in the back end of nowhere.

I have a 13 and a 15 year old.
The bad stuff
The things they can get wrong has more of an impact - dd is thinking about A levels and uni and it's quite stressful knowing that actually, this stuff is genuinely important...It's harder to know what the right answer is as a parent (esp with one of mine who's real passion is a subject that didn't really exist when I was at school!)
There are strops and tantrums, and are unthinkingly self-centred in a very toddler sort of a way: other perspectives don't always enter their minds...
There is some eye rolling and huffing, and occasional slamming

They eat everything in their path
One of mine had some issues with friendships in year 7/8 and it was soooo tough - esp as you can remember yourself how important teenage friendships were

The good stuff
Both still cuddly and love a hug - ds will give me a big hug every morning before school and they both tell me they love me every day
Genuinely fascinating hearing their opinions and watching their different personalities start to gel - they are both very principled young people and whilst there is a slightly tendency to teen 'know it all' ism, they are no-where near as smug as I was at that age!
Their mates are a delight and I LOVE having the house full of slightly hysterical, silly teens
They still both enjoy doing stuff with us - cinema, meals out, walks, dd is an occasional running companion, but equally if we want to go to the shops/for a drink/out for a few hours they can be left with no worries. They are still delighted by childish stuff (easter egg hunts, stockings at Christmas) even if it's done with more of a wink
We get to watch much better tele.

I have a just turned 12 year old I hardly ever see as he takes himself to all his sports, goes on the bus to visit friends and generally isn't ever in but then sometimes when he is here we have the best chats.

3 age 17-22 here.

Downsides: bigger worries and problems. And we can't solve their problems for them either. The teen years were very tricky for one of my dds - wouldn't like to go through that again as seeing her in pain was horrible. Also they spend a lot of time in their rooms alone during those years. I do miss the family outings and playing etc.

Upsides: it is lovely to see them becoming adults. I love when I hear the 3 of them talking to each other - makes me realise they will be significant in each other's lives long beyond us. DH and I can actually go away together or do things together. I love having their friends over and seeing this young people grow up etc.

We do also have some times when we are all together and doing stuff - like a month or so ago they were all at home for the weekend and it snowed so they went out to dig it out, I made a big breakfast and put on some music and we had a lovely hour just eating and chatting.

it is lovely to see them becoming adults. I love when I hear the 3 of them talking to each other - makes me realise they will be significant in each other's lives long beyond us.

Oh yes, this ^

Mine still mock each other to their faces, and even physically wrestle sometimes, but they look out for each other when out and about - from eldest buying the youngest her first under age drink out at a party, to getting them shifts at work (when on a 'casual' contract), to going and picking each other up late at night, to 2 of them going off on a road trip to visit the other at University. The 'surface' banter hides a LOT of love and taking care of each other whenever they can. Gives you a warm feeling of knowing they will be alright after you've gone.

The 'surface' banter hides a LOT of love and taking care of each other whenever they can. Gives you a warm feeling of knowing they will be alright after you've gone.
Yes this absolutely! I am so glad we had two should've had three.
As they grew older their very different personalities had me worried for a while that they might not be so close as adults. As they have moved into their 20s it's been clear that underneath the banter there is much love and support.

My DCs are mid-teens. Logistically it’s much easier but emotionally I would say it’s tougher as the issues are bigger and teens tend to push against you/the status quo.
They’re not interested in hanging out w their parents really and are either out w friends or in their rooms online!!!