DD has no proper friends in year 8

[ponzusoup]

She has always struggled with friendships and is very sensitive to the slightest comment or action which she then interprets as meanness. Also not assertive when groups are self selected at school. In year 8 no primary school friends so no old allegiances to fall back on. Seems ok at home but no social life with school friends and seems to bounce between different groups. Often says she ' hates them all' as they are rude or annoying. How can I help her make some sound allegiances? A few nice kids wanted to be her mate early on but she wanted to hang with the cool kids who she's now discovered are unreliable. Seems not to want to go back to the nice ones, or unable to. Won't join clubs. Seems lonely. Only has a social life through WhatsApp. She's 13. Help.

Poor her, and poor you. Who does she socialise with through WhatsApp? Could any of them become RL friends?
What about something out of school - an activity where she might find like-minded people?
It's very hard in secondary because you can't engineer their social lives (and they need to learn themselves)but some children aren't really ready for it. My DS struggled till Y9 (like your DD, had no primary school friends at his secondary) but then got in with some nice kids and has been very happy for 3 years. Good luck!

My DS found Y7 & Y8 the hardest years at secondary school. A lot of the kids were fighting to be leader of the pack, there was so much bullying you wouldn't believe, not just physical, but cyber bullying, name calling, stealing & damage of property. I spent most of those two years either on the phone or in meetings at school. DS is now in Y10 & I would say since the Christmas in Y9 he has started to find his place, he has a very small group of friends who all stick together, he is much happier & we don't have that many days when he is dreading going to school.

Thanks. I am trying to persuade her to join. Running club as she likes fitness but too under-confident to join. Sports team at school. WhatsApp is school class mates and primary friends but doesn't get beyond messaging. Good to hear that things may change in year 9 it's heart breaking she's a kind kid but reallly lost her way with friendships.

Nat699 yes dynamics at school sound so hard. Recognise what you say!

Sympathies to you and dd, have you spoken to the head of year about whether there's anything the school can suggest, or would your dd veto that (which is not uncommon!)? Realistically there is not always a great deal a school can do but they (sometimes) have perceptive insights!

I was about to say are there any school societies/clubs she could join, but then saw you said she won't join clubs! Is there a reason for that - is it considered 'uncool ', or is she shy about going on her own? Does she like singing - school choirs can be good because you don't have to talk to anyone initially, yet are part of a group which means you gradually get to know each other.

It can be really difficult at school - I agree with the pp who said some are not ready for it. Your DD does seem to have some connections if she's on a Whatsapp group, so is there any way she can build on those? Is there one person she could suggest meeting for coffee, or to go shopping (something very low key to start with)? Or could she meet up with old primary school friends?

Hello OP
You and your dd are not alone.
Mine is in year 7 and never had a good group of friends.
Some days she comes back very happy and other days she is all alone at lunch times.
I nag and nag about lunchtime clubs but she doesn't go. She is holding out in case someone wants to play that day and will then be her best friend!!
During holidays and weekends her phone never buzzes :-(
We have also recently moved so she is not in touch with any primary school friends.
She does plenty outside school but none of these have materialised into solid friendships
I also think maybe it is early for out of school friendships to materialise into something.
I have spoken to school a few times. They are helpful and suggest strategies , change of seating plans etc but I strongly believe friendships evolve and cannot be enforced.
It breaks my heart when she once said "maybe I am not very likeable"!!!

For the time being, I listen to her, suggest alternatives when I can, keep advising that it is better to know lots of girls rather than 1 or 2 close ones and that her time will come.
I hope the time will come eventually as this is what I said to her in primary!!

Hang in there. You and your dd are certainly not alone.

Xx

for you mouse and thanks for all replies helps to know we're not alone. I do think it's early ish days and that they are still young. I haven't approached the school yet as she would not want me to. I wonder if there is a lack of confidence and self esteem at the heart of it and would welcome ideas to boost that.

Is there a hobby or sport she likes OP?
Could you try it outside school maybe?
Even things like wall climbing, go ape etc helps girls (and mums like me!) with confidence.
I have also wondered whether it could be a " don't want to be rejected" thing

I have told my dd several times to approach a group of girls and politely ask if she could join them for lunch etc.
She thinks everyone but her is in a tightly knit group and she doesn't want to feel like she is intruding or am outsider.
I don't know what to say to that..so we end up discussing that if ever another girl approached her (if she were in a group ever) in such situation she should always welcome her. I do know there can be a lot of meanness at this age so a lot of what I say may not be very relevant.

Even if it doesn't solve her issue atleast it can be a teaching moment hopefully.

Groups or classes outside of school might help to combat the loneliness and help build friendships too if you are willing to facilitate them. What does she like to do?

"I wonder if there is a lack of confidence and self esteem at the heart of it and would welcome ideas to boost that."

I think another pp has said it - does your dd have a particular interest or talent that she could develop? It's not a cure-all, but I think when someone has 'their thing' that can boost self confidence. You mentioned running so if dd doesn't want to do a running club would she do something like Park Run if you went too? Or, it doesn't even have to be a skill like a sport or playing an instrument - just being really 'into' something like a particular type of music can give people a sense of their own identity.

I think it's very difficult with this age (and all ages!) - the best advice to dcs is not to care too much, but unfortunately that's totally unrealistic - many of us are hard wired to care about group acceptance, and you can't really change that. I think you're right that the thing may be to see if dd can gradually make stronger friendships with one or two of the people she currently has a loose connection with - but it can be very difficult to predict who may be keen! And the emphasis is on gradual - some dc are just slower burners than those who have the happy knack of making instant friendships in week 1 of yr 7!

Good suggestions above. I struggled with this, its easy to get into rut. Could you speak to a member of a staff about giving her a leading or helping role in something to build confidence. Parkrun also uses volunteers.

Friendships are wobbly at this stage, even close friends find it hard. In your position I would be:

• organising a play date at yours/cinema/dinner/bowling once a week. Dd can either invite some girls herself or could you not contact the parents via your teacher? She is not too old for you to organise for her. Make sure they are structured so the girls have something to do. Try outside the home things first, such as climbing or cinema, that should at least give her something to talk about at school, and hopefully she will be invited back.

• Do a hobby together or as a family. This is a good way to start.

• invite neighbours children and cousins over at every opportunity so she is socialising.

• Give her a target of chatting to a new friend every week for a reward. Give her ideas of things to say, games and how to feel more confident.

• arrange a summer tea party with games. Invite the parents.

If it were me I would be putting a huge amount of effort into really helping her. Have you done lots of play dates in the past?

@springwalk
I consider myself socially awkward and do not have many friends myself.
A lot of what you said resonates with me.
I certainly am not the hostess person and playdate mum.
Many times I have wondered if this is why my dd struggles socially.

I agree I don't have to be a party animal entertaining furiously but I think it will help if done genuinely

I am not the OP but I found your reply useful.

angrymouse Its so hard when you are not naturally outgoing. I understand completely. Our children do follow our example though, and if we appear to not enjoy seeing friends/avoid social engagements/feel anxious they are likely to pick up on that.

That said I am quite outgoing with lots of friends, and one of my dds is a natural introvert. I respect the fact she like time to herself, and enjoys her own company. I don't force things on her, but I do gently encourage her to see her friends, in a setting where she feels comfortable, and she is enjoying the balance atm. I don't always manage it, and it took me years to understand her. I don't make her go to parties though, or push her into anything at all, and I have never done.

So I guess you need to explore what you feel comfortable doing, what your child feels comfortable doing, and do as much of this as you can.

It may be that your child is like you, she has no need for lots of friends and going out, she may be perfectly content at home. Or it may be that she just hasn't learnt how to do these things, but would like more friends if she knew how. Only you can really see which one she falls into, if she seems lonely or sad, then it is probably the latter.

I know playdates and parties can be agonising, they are for most people actually until you really get to know your new friends, but they do have a function. More importantly they definitely encourage good friendships and return invites, they also do bring excitement, and fun and friendship.

So if you have to move out of your comfort zone for a few hours once a week or fortnight, remind yourself why you are doing it, and how it will help your child not just now, but in the future. Good luck mouse

Just a word of warning - my dd was like this, and it made her vulnerable to a predatory bf in Y10 who has made our lives a living hell. Make sure she has strong relations with you and dh (if dh is in picture) and give her small goals to reach back out to the "nice kids". Secondary gets harder as they get older because the stakes (sex, drugs, etc) are higher and riskier. Perhaps a therapist might even help. I wish we'd moved much sooner to help dd develop assertiveness and social courage.

I had one dd (19) who struggled from year 8 onwards with friends. I was constantly anxious that she seemed to be alone. There never seemed to be a magic solution. After gcses she decided to go to art college. She made the best group of likeminded friends and she’s never looked back. Sometimes they just need to find their own.

Thanks everyone I'm so grateful for replies and tips. I'm very sociable and have lots of friends and have always organised lots of play dates to the point of maybe overdoing it . DD1 has never really enjoyed having friends of ours or hers or her sisters in the house. She does like her own company but she also wants a best friend at school - I know some kids don't - i know she feels lonely without one. I have offered cinema / bowling / movie nights etc with anyone she wants to invite but she refuses. I says she just doesn't trust anyone at school and she also says she worries about inviting one or two school mates but not others as there is a lot of moaning about people not inviting people to their events ! I am going with her to the running club next week as I think it's great advice to support her to find her thing outside of school .

Lentils sorry to hear your situation. DD is at an all girls school although I know that doesn't entirely protect her. She is close to me DP and her Dsis. I will make all the effort I can to help her reach out but I also know to can't force it.

Decormad I suspect that may be our story. Glad you DD found her tribe in the end. It's the constant le level worry at their loneliness that is so exhausting

My dd struggled in Y8 too.
Now coming to the end of Y9 and has a fab group of friends, hopefully it will work out for your dd too

My dd has been similar OP. She found Y7 and 8 quite hard. No Primary school friends around to fall back on.

We never 'trusted' people or went out if her way to befriend people. She always says in the holidays she didn't want to see anyone. She does have a good friend outside of school who is 2 years older than her. That has been a really good thing.

We had a rocky start to Y9 due to her health but things seems to be steadier now. I can slowly see her start to open up and trust people. She seems to have formed closer friendships in Y9 and has said to me that's she's surprised that people like things she likes (unusual films and dramas, photography etc). She's even begun to meet up in the holidays with friends.

For dd, she seemed to find her friends at Drama club in school. She's made friends with boys too that seems to add to her confidence that she can speak to lots of people.

I honestly think (if she's not desperately unhappy and begging to leave) that it needs time. Sometimes other children have to grow up a bit too to find who they'd like to hang out with.

The plus side is, my DD has managed to navigate Y7, 8 and nearly 9 so far without ever falling out with any friends. She's often sought out fur counsel by others and is seen as a solid friend (although never in the popular crowd). I think will stand her in good stead as she gets older.

Try not to worry too much, just keep encouraging your dd without pushing and I'm sure she'll find her way.

Op have you ruled out bullying? Your dd seems very worried about the other children and what they think of her. Does the school suit her? Is it stifling her? Might she be happier with a co ed?
You seem to be doing everything possible to support her friendships.

The only other possibility, and I don’t mean this unkindly, but my dds friend has lost friends because she is not keen on joining others games, and only wants to do what she wants. Her mother is at a loss as to what is happening. I don’t know her well enough to tell her that the other girls feel she doesn’t share, won’t join in with other people games and is generally very tricky and demanding. She will learn in time of course.
It may take your dd a while longer to find her people, and be glad she has such a warm and supportive family around her.

Ponzu that is interesting that dd doesn't want to invite people out - I think sometimes (mostly?) the dc can be better 'interpreters' of the social scene than the dparents, so if dd is saying that it would be 'risky' to invite someone (either because she'd be rejected and the invitation would somehow be socially 'wrong' - or because of fall out from other non-invitees), she may have sussed things out accurately.
It may feel safer sticking to chatting at school and on whatsapp at the moment - doesn't have to be forever!

So although it seems counter-intuitive, sometimes it may be better not to encourage them too much to try to make friends and socialise outside - but just let it develop naturally while providing the 'safe house' at home. But the problem is that sometimes it doesn't! and it is so hard watching your own dc struggle. Very difficult balance to strike!

Invisible - wise words, thanks. She is quite emotionally intelligent ( which goes with sensitivity I think ) and I am minded to trust her instincts.

Springwalk - yes, I'm not immune to her faults and she can perceive others to be being rude when they've made a throwaway comments another child might ignore. I am pretty sure she's not being bullied ( she was for awhile at primary school) but I do worry that if she ends up being isolated she's be a candidate for meanness.

Does the school suit her is a good question. It's an inner city comp with a good reputation. Academically very good perhaps lacking a bit in pastoral care. But keeps the girls busy which is good

Yep, giving it time seems the sensible option , gentle encouragement and cross fingers. Wish she was more enthusiastic about going tho and really hoped she'd find her tribe at secondary. Sigh.