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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My DD would give up everything if I gave her the chance

36 replies

topcat2014 · 27/04/2019 09:09

DD is 12.5, so not quite on this board yet - but god you wouldn't know it..

She is currently at tennis lessons (with DW), and has a St Georges day parade with Scouts tomorrow.

She has piano lessons too in the week.

I am sure, if I gave her the choice, she would pack everything in, and sit in her room on her phone. Sometimes, for a quieter life, I actually want to let her do that.

She is so argumentative and unappreciative, just because this one time she cannot go into town with a friend.

I am dreading another five years :)

OP posts:

mcmen71 · 27/04/2019 14:48

There is no point on her doing an activity to please her parents she will eventually give them up so if she is not interested I wouldnt make her go. Tell her to pick one and stick with it and let her enjoy been a child with her friends.

Fazackerley · 27/04/2019 14:52

Which one does she enjoy most?

RightOnTheEdge · 27/04/2019 14:57

Talk to her about which ones she actually enjoys doing. Why is she doing these activities if she doesn't want to?

Or maybe she is just like my ds (who is only 6 though) who moans about going swimming every week then loves it when he's there. He's just a lazy bones who doesn't want to get up and get ready so I do think in a situation like that it's okay to make them go.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 27/04/2019 15:05

Does SHE actually want to play tennis or piano though or are these activities that you wanted her to do.

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2019 15:09

There are so many activities to try, athletics club, park run, fencing, drama, trampoline, unless it flits your dds boat why would she want to continue?

Tavannach · 27/04/2019 15:11

Ask her if she really thinks she'd be happier if she gave them up. I really regret giving up piano in my teens.

Nat6999 · 27/04/2019 15:15

Many kids now do so many activities that they really don't know how to amuse themselves. Your DD is getting older & will soon start to have more homework from school & probably want to see friends more often. It's good to have down time & not have something scheduled for every day.

englishdictionary · 27/04/2019 15:18

Why can't she go into town with a friend? It's Saturday, that's what a lot of her age group of on Saturdays.

If it's because she is doing one of the activities you are making her so then you are right to dread the next 5 years; and then some, because no doubt it will destroy your relationship anyway.

Why are you making her do all this?

lljkk · 27/04/2019 15:27

What sport lessons do you take regularly, OP?
What regular music lessons do you take?
For which group do you regularly volunteer, sometimes giving up some of your Sunday mornings to publicly parade?

snop · 27/04/2019 15:42

Let her give it up if she hates it, I say this as a parent who could have saved thousands over the years. By listening to them when they told me they didn't wNt to

fecketyfeck21 · 27/04/2019 15:43

too many parents live through their dc in the respect 'i never learnt to play the piano / do ballet/join the choir so my dc are going to do it all.
dc should be given a choice or at least a say in what they do.

snop · 27/04/2019 15:44

Posted too soon sorry, although it was never about the money. And I was always hoping that they would really enjoy some activities, in the end they both stopped first chance they got.

Pegsinarow · 27/04/2019 15:47

I think this is a very difficult bit of parenting actually. Knowing when to intervene and support and when to back off. My dd really regrets giving up piano (especially as her cousins are all good at it) but she protested so strongly about the lessons that in the end I have up persuading her to keep up with it. You can lead a horse to water etc.

YonWeeLassie · 27/04/2019 15:48

Another vote for not making her do activities unless she wants to. I suspect this is not the answer you expected OP?
Or you can make her go and brace yourself for arguments every time she has to go to tennis/ piano/guides or whatever.

NannyRed · 27/04/2019 15:55

Is your dd allowed to make her own decisions as to how her time is spent!

Sorry if I’m misunderstanding, but you seem to be controlling how her ‘free’ time is spent.

Mintandthyme · 27/04/2019 15:56

If the child’s chosen alternative would be to isolate herself in her room and spend the day on her phone then I would keep up the activities.

EvaHarknessRose · 27/04/2019 15:58

Stick at it, a few more years and she will refind her intrinsic motivation and do things off her own back. Of course phone use is not all bad, it depends what one is looking at, but time away from unrealistic imagery/over-sexualisation/appearance pressure/twitter mobs/fake news etc and developing ones own personality, skills and interests is really important. I wouldn’t make my dc do anything just because I wanted them to, apart from chores, but it would be a discussion about something rather than nothing. I also (because I am a mean Mum) bribed them to do a few careers activities in place of chores one holiday, including writing themselves a personal statement (as if for a job or uni application). I think it worked as a way of realising that the stuff they opt into at this age is important, gives them skills, that their peers might gain an advantage over them, and helps them move onto the next step.

Duke of Edinburgh award is good too - a skill, a sport, volunteering and then a group expedition.

Thirtyrock39 · 27/04/2019 16:03

My nearly 13 yo has just dropped the third of 4 activities she was doing this time last year and so is now only doing dancing. I Was quite concerned and reluctant for her to quit them at the time but she has started to see friends more and now also goes 'swimming ' (stands in the shallow end chatting) once a week with a friend. I think it is a normal part of growing up and independence etc

englishdictionary · 27/04/2019 16:28

Alone1971 · 27/04/2019 17:47

I think you are being a little hard on OP. A lot of my son's friends have dropped going to clubs now they are at secondary school because it's "not cool". One friend dropped football, he was really talented but now gets into trouble as he is bored and hangs out in parks etc. I think he will regret it.

lljkk · 27/04/2019 17:51

My dd really regrets giving up piano...

But since she restarted she's come on leaps & bounds.

Unless she can't be arsed to restart. Has made no effort.

Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder.

Original poster

topcat2014 · 27/04/2019 19:00

Well, the thread has moved on a bit today -

She does actually have a fair bit of unstructured time. Tennis is early saturday for example, so doesn't tend to get in the way of stuff.

As regards "living through my child" I do the following:
Beaver leader
Learn Piano
Run half marathons
Also school governor, charity trustee etc.

In actual fact, sometimes I feel my own life is too busy as well.

DD is actually far keener than I ever was on any sports.

Once she gets going, as it were, she actually enjoys these activities - if she didn't then I would let her stop.

I guess I just need to adapt to what she wants..

OP posts:

BackInTime · 28/04/2019 08:01

I think it is about balance. Some parents really over schedule their kids with activities leaving very little free time so they start to resent them and give up. On the other hand I feel that for teens especially it is so important to have an interest outside school. There are so many benefits to health (mental and physical) and self esteem as well as the opportunity to make friends and learn a valuable skill. I agree with the OP that they need a push to do stuff or risk spending all free time on screens and social media which is not really good for anyone.

BackInTime · 28/04/2019 08:12

Interesting that there is a thread in AIBU where the OP regrets that her DM did not push her more as a child and allowed her to give up on activities too easily. Although a bit of a different situation as the DM was not a very nice person. Still makes me think about how difficult it is for parents to get it right. (can't figure out how to link)

YonWeeLassie · 28/04/2019 09:56

BackInTime how difficult it is for parents to get it right
You are right of course.
Not only that different children need different approaches.
I resolved not to repeat my mistake of inflicting piano lessons on unwilling DC1. So DC2 never even got the chance (he didn't want them at the time). Of course this was a big mistake because now he is an adult he resents that he didn't get the opportunity.
On the other hand I did try to engage him in every possible sporting activity from cricket to football to judo to rowing. None lasted much longer than it took to buy all the kit........

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